LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

My wife said, "Whatcha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished!!!"


Do to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.  We apologize for any inconvenience.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #299 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

One of the best things to have up your sleeve . . .

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
    
You can hear our table at almost any function we attend as a group.  It is the loudest because of the laughter and joy being shared.  There were eight of us at the table in a Chinese buffet, and each time there was an outburst of laughter, I looked around to notice that we caught the eye of almost everyone else in the restaurant.  After awhile it became accepted and understood: we were having a great deal of fun.
    
Now, we didn’t purposefully raise our four children to have a sense of humor, but if we had tried, we couldn’t have done better than we did.  All are grown now with their own families, and all share our sense of humor.  It isn’t that we were laughing all the time, it’s just that when things are funny we laugh.  It’s just that there are so many opportunities to make a humorous aside, to add a needed punch line, or to see the humor in natural, ordinary, everyday events.
    
When our family gets together, we laugh.
    
All during the time our children were young, one thing we all knew is that we would be having dinner together.  We would discuss the day’s events, what was going on in our children’s lives, current events, as well as questions and concerns.  But, always, we would laugh and have fun.  I remember a number of times when our children would bring friends for dinner, they would remark about how much fun they had at our mealtimes.
    
My wife and I never used humor for a specific purpose, although we were well aware that by using it, it served a number of purposes.  For example, we used it as a way to connect with our kids.  Often, when our kids were depressed, feeling angry or upset, humor helped them replace their distressing emotions.  Another thing we discovered is that when one of our children didn’t want to talk about what happened during their day, or they were simply not wanting to talk about anything, humor would change their behavior.  We would begin slowly, and as soon as the rest of us (we have a family of six) were chatting, kidding, and laughing, we would find everyone getting involved, talking more and making more eye contact.
    
Dinnertime at our house often preceded evenings of doing school assignments and projects as well as homework.  Seldom did an evening consist of watching television.  Our dinnertime conversations increased our energy.  I found on a regular basis, when I had class work, writing, or lecture preparation planned for an evening, inevitably our conversations and interactions over dinner refreshed and invigorated me.  It was as if I could begin my evening activities as if I was starting out in the morning.  (I am a morning person for the most part.)
    
There are some important “teaching moments” where humor can serve as a catalyst.  Many of these were specifically designed to help our kids lighten up.  For example, we tried to help them not take themselves too seriously.  Of course, this is more important as the kids get older — after they become aware that the world does not revolve around them.   Our kids were given a certain amount of freedom in how they dressed, what they chose to play with, and how they talked.  There were obvious parameters or general guidelines, but seldom did we ever find ourselves having to define these or remind our kids of them.  For example, school dress codes had to be observed, when an item was forbidden in school, they could not disobey the rule, and swearing and cussing were never allowed.  Most of these items, however, were clarified by the examples my wife and I set for them, so there was seldom, if ever, questions.
    
Openness is an important characteristic to establish in family conversations.  Our kids were encouraged to share their experiences, even their embarrassing moments.  Sometimes, it simply requires putting things into perspective.  For example, when a child is punished for doing something wrong at school, there is no doubt that school authority must never be undermined in any way; however, “doing something wrong” can be placed into the experience of learning, getting an education, "the school of hard knocks,” or simply “how the lessons of life must sometimes be learned.”
    
My wife and I were never troublemakers and, fortunately, never were our kids.  But, the testing that goes on while we are in school, pushing the frontiers of acceptability, and trying to get away with something all are methods of learning, and when it comes to the “lessons of life,” they are useful, important, and memorable.  I remember the first time I ever skipped school, faked a “sick” note from home, cheated on a test, or used another student’s ideas as my own.  No, these are not proud moments; however, they are lessons, and the questions parents can ask their children if any situations like these occur are: “How did it make you feel?”  “What did you learn from this experience?” “If you were to face the same situation again, would you do the same thing?”  “Can you understand why this is improper behavior?”  “If you were a parent or teacher, and you discovered one of your children or students had done this, what would you do?”  (If punishment took place. . . ): “Do you think the punishment you received was correct?”  “What would you have done?”
    
What my wife and I discovered is — after a history of dinner table conversations — family members could begin to laugh at themselves.  Children often take themselves too seriously, and it helps them to hear similar experiences shared by parents --- and parents, too, who are willing to admit their own errors and weaknesses.  Often, we could take our children’s lead.  That is, we were the ones learning from them.  We often found them the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing.  It was a great experience when they would bring jokes they heard from friends, in school, or in their reading to the dinner table.  It not only gave them the spotlight, but it provided them, too, a sense of control, a chance to test their own perceptions about what’s funny and what isn’t, and a way to deliver information and ideas in a secure situation that was important to them.
    
When problems were discussed in an open manner, within the context of enjoyment and sharing, our children soon learned about situations that were worth getting upset over, what was important and what was not, that most situations were reparable (they are not life or death), and, too, they learned how to own their problems.
    
When I gave a speech some years ago I used the phrase, “One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.”  That phrase from my speech was discovered and used in an issue of Reader’s Digest and still later, as a result of publication in the Digest it was picked up by Garborg’s (Bloomington, MN) and published in their perpetual calendar, “Cherished Thoughts,” where it appears with my name attached, on April 24th.  Having a funny bone up your sleeve is something that can be taught, and if parents were smart, it can be begun early and carried through a lifetime.  What a terrific gift for children --- implant a funny bone!
- - - - - - -
At HelpGuide.org there is a wonderfully helpful, thorough, and well-written essay, “Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter.”  Our children were lucky to grow up in a house where they were surrounded with laughter.  There was an appropriate quotation that applies in this essay: “Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.”

The essay “Creating a Close Family,” at Internet of the Mina includes a wonderful section, “Participation and Cooperation,” which discusses the following qualities: commitment,
connectedness, acceptance , appreciation, trust and safety, truthfulness, flexible rules,
response-ability, and healthy boundaries.  There is much more in this essay, but this is the information that directly relates to my essay.
- - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Day #287 - Use times of great stress for both challenge and motivation.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"Times of great calamity and confusion have ever been productive of the greatest minds.  The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storm." --Charles Caleb Colton

Day #287 - Use times of great stress for both challenge and motivation.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  This is one of four motivational quotations for Day #287.

Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

And Then Some News

Thursday's Essay Preview

The first paragraph of the essay, "One of the best things to have up your sleeve," reads as follows: "You can hear our table at almost any function we attend as a group.  It is the loudest because of the laughter and joy being shared.  There were eight of us at the table in a Chinese buffet, and each time there was an outburst of laughter, I looked around to notice that we caught the eye of almost everyone else in the restaurant.  After awhile it became accepted and understood: we were having a great deal of fun."
                
                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay

"When I gave a speech some years ago I used the phrase, “One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.”  That phrase from my speech was discovered and used in an issue of Reader’s Digest and still later, as a result of publication in the Digest it was picked up by Garborg’s (Bloomington, MN) and published in their perpetual calendar, “Cherished Thoughts,” where it appears with my name attached, on April 24th.  Having a funny bone up your sleeve is something that can be taught, and if parents were smart, it can be begun early and carried through a lifetime."




And Then Some News

Mark Twain: Man in white — The grand adventure of his final years

By Michael Shelden


Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.


If your desire is to spend time with an entertaining book, written by a gifted writer, about an American icon, that is not only engaging and insightful but well-researched and thorough, enhanced by black-and-white photographs throughout, this would be a superb choice.  There are 35 pages of notes in addition to seven pages of “Sources and Bibliography” (all typed in a small font).  There are 417 pages of text, and you wish there were more.  The author uses many of Twain’s own journals and letters to offer readers numerous, previously unpublished, fresh insights into Twain’s final four years.


Shelden, using eloquent vibrant prose, provides an engaging, readable, entertaining, and moving narrative.  He, by using vivid and thorough evidence, persuasively proves his claim that Twain was more alive during his final years than at any other time of his life.


When you complete this book you will fully realize that Twain was a lively, engaged, very funny man of enormous talent, surprising wit, and astonishing energy.  The Cleveland Plain Dealer, in their review of the book, wrote: “The definitive work on this controversial period. . . . Shelden's engagingly written, admirably balanced and thoroughly documented biography is as convincing as it is entertaining."


In your choice of this book, you will not be disappointed.  I gave it to my father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis, to read.  Willis is the author of two recent books: Civilian in an Ill-fitting Uniform: A Memoir of World War II, and a second book, How to be Funny on Purpose: Creating and Consuming Humor.  In the latter book, Willis makes 18 references to Mark Twain and offers readers one of my favorite Twain quotes: “The difference between the nearly right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug” (p. 251).  A quotation like this one by Twain, however, is dwarfed by the hundreds of witty sayings and remarks by Twain in Shelden’s book.


Willis was so moved by Shelden’s book he wrote a personal letter to him.  He ended his letter by saying, “In closing, let me say again that reading your book provided me with a wonderfully enriching experience.”  It could not be said more accurately or succinctly.  


This book is available at Amazon.com: Mark Twain: Man in white — The grand adventure of his final years

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #294 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

Must-have Christmas presents

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

If you are a regular reader of my blog (posted, too, on Facebook) there are several things you know about me (maybe even more!).  First, you know that I am a reader of a wide range of non-fiction books, since I have now posted more than 200 book reviews on the blog.  Second, you know that I love quotations and aphorisms and thoughts, which I have collected in a book entitled SMOERs -Self Motivation, Optimism, Encourage Rules: Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living, which has a website all of its own.
   
The book, SMOERs gives 365 daily, motivational, suggestions like “Take time to smell the roses,” “Be willing to change,” “Enjoy the best years of your life,” and “Break out from conformity,” that are supported by an average of four quotations each day.  The quotations range from classical writers such as Cicero and Aristotle to modern-day prophets such as Oprah Winfrey, Carol Burnett.and Zig Zigler.  I’ve even included a number of my own quotations when I was looking for some incredibly profound, insightful, or wise comments.  (I’m kidding about the profound, insightful, and wise characterization, but not about including some of my own quotes.)
   
If you were looking for a Christmas present for the person who has everything, this would be a perfect present.  You can purchase it at Amazon.com.  It even has a picture of a perfect s’more on the cover that illustrates the perfection within!  (Kidding again!)
   
Now, I have moved away from the thoughts captured in paragraph one, above.  Another thing you have learned about me, if you are a regular reader of my blog, is that I write motivational essays.  Whether it was delivering college lectures, giving speeches to different organizations (16 of which were published in Vital Speeches of the Day), writing college textbooks, or creating essays for our local newspaper, I have been involved with motivational material my entire professional life.
   
As a result of my interest in motivational material, I have assembled my most profound, stimulating, and inspiring essays in a book entitled You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life!, which is a collection of the best of the best!  If you know of someone who needs to read uplifting information, who needs a boost in their lives to get them off square one (or out of a rut), or who simply enjoys reading self-improvement material, this book is a great choice.  There are no age restrictions involved.  In this 316-page book, there are 50 essays. 
   
The essays in You Rules (which is available at Amazon.com) begin by establishing the foundation for growth, development, and change — learning to be optimistic, developing a positive attitude, getting out of comfort zones, and getting organized.   The next section, “Strive to be healthy,” discusses what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.  The third section, “Get where you want to go,” offers suggestions for developing self-disciple, managing yourself, pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, controlling worry, developing memory, and moving to the front of the pack.  “Exercising your creativity” is the fourth section, and readers will find all the ingredients necessary for developing the characteristics of successful, creative people.  The fifth section discusses how to maintain progress toward your goals by dealing with failure, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable influences, and making self-improvements last.  The final section on looking toward a positive future has essays on developing a growth mindset, understanding and achieving forgiveness, becoming a loving human being, and living the good life.
   
Speaking of possible Christmas presents — presents people would really enjoy finding under their Christmas tree — I want to recommend several other books.  A neighbor of mine wanted me to give his daughters some lessons in effective public speaking, because he knew of its importance in the world.  I told him to order my book, Public Speaking Rules: All You Need for a GREAT Speech! and then, if he had any additional questions, to ask me.  At a later meeting he admitted purchasing the book at Amazon.com, having both his daughters read it, and finding (after asking them) that it really helped them.  He said, the information is straightforward and to the point, the suggestions can be easily followed, and the advice is accurate and useful.  Of course, I thanked him (and, thus, avoided giving some individual tutoring lessons).
   
Public Speaking Rules, a book designed for all those involved in public speaking of any kind, and it grew out of over 30 years of writing, lecturing, and speaking about it.  Counting all the editions of my textbooks I have written over 30, and many include aspects of public speaking.  Immersed in the area, I have distilled what I know and what I know works, and put it all into this 180-page, nuts-and-bolts book that tells it like it is and, too, is available at Amazon.com.
   
Another great Christmas gift idea is the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment, which, once again, is a distillation and condensation of all the work I have done in the area of interpersonal communication.  If you have anyone going into, just coming out of, or planning to enter a relationship, this book is one of those “must read” items that really “tells it like it is.”  You can find it at Amazon.com just as you can all of the books mentioned in this essay.
   
Some of my fondest Christmas memories can be traced back to those times when I unwrapped books.  They are wonderful Christmas presents and they create dual memories — one set of memories when they are opened and another set of memories when they are read.  Please think about the books in this essay — especially if you have people on your list who are difficult to please, hard to buy for, or just enjoy good books.
- - - - - - -
There are other books that make great Christmas gifts as well.  The first, How to Be Funny on Purpose: Creating and Consuming Humor, by Edgar E. Willis, offers serious readers the history of humor on radio and television, specific instructions on how to create humor, and ways to listen to, analyze, and appreciate humor.  It is available at Amazon.com.

If you have anyone in your family who served in World War II or is currently in the military he or she will enjoy the book Civilian in an Ill-fitting Uniform: Memoir of World War II, by Edgar Willis.  Not only does this book provide a personal look at the war (and it’s not all favorable!), but it gives readers the historical context for the war as well.  This one is available at Amazon.com, too.

Access my blog at Andthensomeworks.com. for book reviews, news about And Then Some Publishing, quotations, essays, and Friday's "LAUGH . . . And Then Some."


- - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Day #286 - Look for satisfaction in the little things.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"Life is made up of small pleasures.  Happiness is made up of those tiny successes.  The big ones come too infrequently.  And if you don't collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don't really mean anything." --Norman Lear

Day #286 - Look for satisfaction in the little things.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  This is one of four motivational quotations for Day #286.

Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

And Then Some News

Thursday's Essay Preview

The first paragraph of the essay, "Must-have Christmas presents," reads as follows: "If you are a regular reader of my blog (posted, too, on Facebook) there are several things you know about me (maybe even more!).  First, you know that I am a reader of a wide range of non-fiction books, since I have now posted more than 200 book reviews on the blog.  Second, you know that I love quotations and aphorisms and thoughts, which I have collected in a book entitled SMOERs -Self Motivation, Optimism, Encourage Rules: Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living, which has a website all of its own."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay

"Some of my fondest Christmas memories can be traced back to those times when I unwrapped books.  They are wonderful Christmas presents and they create dual memories — one set of memories when they are opened and another set of memories when they are read.  Please think about the books in this essay — especially if you have people on your list who are difficult to please, hard to buy for, or just enjoy good books."





And Then Some News

The shallows: What the internet is doing to our brains

By Nicholas Carr


Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.


Whether you accept his argument, whether you agree with or question the evidence he uses to support his contentions, or whether you have personal experiences that significantly differ from Carr’s, two things you should know about this book on a current and relevant topic include, first, it is well written and organized, and two, it offers a great deal of material for thought, consideration, and discussion.  It’s the kind of book I would love to have assigned for a book circle or book club simply because I can see that Carr’s ideas would generate a variety of viewpoints, strong advocates as well as healthy critics, and, certainly, lively discussion.


You don’t have to accept Carr’s premise to enjoy his book.  His thesis was effectively stated by Kenneth A. Vatz of Winnetka, Illinois, who writes in his five-star review of the book, “that our increasing addiction to the Internet is not only transforming our minds but physically changing, or rewiring, our brains in such a way as to shorten our attention spans and impair our ability to memorize, think and synthesize.”


This book is important, and it should be read by teachers and students as well as by parents and their offspring.  My position is that it is a well-thought-out, well-written, well-researched book that is likely to be the mere tip of the iceberg with respect to this topic, and we will see a great deal more research and writing about it in the future.  Carr writes, “When it comes to the quality of our thought, our neurons and synapses are entirely indifferent.  The possibility of intellectual decay is inherent in the malleability of our brains” (p. 35).  I think there is no question at all that the Internet will have a significant influence on the way we both think and behave, and its pernicious influence is likely to become greater and greater as time goes on.  This book, then, becomes the benchmark.


I’m a reader.  One of the delights in this book is the contrast Carr offers between reading a book or magazine (it’s "tactile as well as visual” (p. 90).) and reading a Web document (which “involves physical actions and sensory stimuli very different from those involved in holding and turning . . . pages” (p. 90).)  His contrast appears on pages 89-98.


For authors, readers of books, creators of e-books, and publishers, Chapter Six, “The Very Image of a Book,” is both an interesting and informative read.  The overall thesis, Carr explains, is: “The high-tech features of devices like the Kindle and Apple’s new iPad may make it more likely that we’ll read e-books, but the way we read them will be very different from the way we read printed editions” (p. 104).  The chapter goes on to explain the numerous “changes in the way books are written and presented” (p. 105).


In Chapter Seven, “The Juggler’s Brain,” Carr goes on to describe and discuss a similar thesis: “. . . the Internet’s import and influence can be judged only when viewed in the fuller context of intellectual history.  As revolutionary as it may be, the Net is best understood as the latest in a long series of tools that have helped mold the human mind” (p. 115). Carr then goes on to answer the crucial question, “What can science tell us about the actual effects that Internet use is having on the way our minds work?” (p. 115)


Just an additional thought.  After Carr’s Chapter Nine, “Search, Memory,” he includes three pages (pp. 198-200) entitled, “a digression: on the writing of this book.”  Now, as a writer, I found these three pages insightful.  I always enjoy it when writers write about the process of writing.  Carr says, “When I began writing The Shallows, toward the end of 2007, I struggled in vain to keep my mind fixed on the task.  The Net provided, as always, a bounty of useful information and research tools, but its constant interruptions scattered my thoughts and words.  I tended to write in disconnected spurts, the same way I wrote when blogging.  It was clear that big changes were in order” (p. 198).  He says all this as a way of showing what happened when he moved from Boston to the mountains of Colorado where there was no cell phone service, a very slow DSL connection, a canceled Twitter account, a Facebook account put on hiatus, and a shut down blog, RSS reader, skyping, and instant messaging.  What happened then is an anecdotal delight — and worth the read.


With respect to the credibility of the ideas in this book, there are over 25 pages of notes and 4 pages of further readings.  Throughout the book, readers are provided important, relevant, and highly accomplished researchers and experts as the basis for his observations.  His own experiences are offered, but he only uses them to further extend the research and the expert opinions.


With respect to the author’s own credibility, I quote here from his online biography: “Earlier in his career [ before writing his best selling books], Carr was executive editor of the Harvard Business Review and a principal at Mercer Management Consulting.


Carr has been a speaker at MIT, Harvard, Wharton, the Kennedy School of Government, NASA, and the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas as well as at many industry, corporate, and professional events throughout the Americas, Europe, and Asia. He holds a B.A. from Dartmouth College and an M.A., in English and American literature and language, from Harvard University.”


This is a very good book.


This book is available from Amazon.com: The shallows: What the internet is doing to our brains

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.  So I said, "Implants?"  She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #293 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

How long should you hold a grudge?

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    

Asked how long he holds a grudge, one fellow replied, “Until hell freezes over.”  Another said, it depends on two things: 1) the intent, and 2) the gravity of the situation.  Yet another person said, “If the person is an idiot, I simply consider the source and dismiss both the person and the comment or situation.”  And the final person asked, said, “I turn the other cheek.”
    
The only reason this topic came up has to do with a father-in-law who never lets grudges die.  He doesn’t listen to Diane Sawyer for the national news because she went to work for President Richard Nixon's administration in 1970. At first she served in the White House press office, and after Nixon resigned, she helped him with his memoirs.  He can never forgive her and will always hold the grudge and never watch her deliver the national news.
    
He cannot forgive a doctor for coming to an appointment late; he cannot forgive a fellow (a former husband of his granddaughter) because of a belief/theory that he took a lockbox from his home; he cannot forgive a nurse who gave him wrong advice (non-essential).  
    
He holds grudges, too, against John McCain not just for his flip-flops on his principles but for bringing us Sarah Palin.  He holds more serious grudges against Newt Gingrich because he is a multiple adulterer, a draft dodger, a dead-beat dad, an advocate of family values and yet asking for a divorce while his wife was in the hospital, and his house banking scandal (he bounced 22 checks) — among other things.  At one website it says, “Gingrich was apparently dating [Callista] Bisek all during [the] Clinton-Lewinsky adultery scandal, even as he proclaimed family values and bitterly criticized the President for his adultery.”  These grudges will never die.
    
There are many reasons we hold grudges according to the Psychology Today website.  In an article there, “How to forgive others,”  by Alex Lickerman, M.D., six reasons are listed.  Mine are adapted from his.   First, one reason we hold grudges is that we can’t let go of our anger.  Second, we want to satisfy our sense of justice and, thus, we hold the grudge because we believe the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness.  Third, not to hold a grudge is to condone what the offender did.  Fourth, our grudge doesn’t let our offender off the hook without punishment.  Our grudge is our personal punishment of our offender.  Fifth, to hold the grudge is to harm as we've been harmed.  It feels satisfying   Sixth, we feel the offender is incapable of good behavior; thus, our grudge reduces the other’s sense of humanness.  The grudge prevents us from believing they have any positive characteristics at all.
    
The essential message with respect to holding grudges is that when you hold a grudge you let someone else (the other person) severely influence your thinking and, perhaps, your behavior.  It gives the other person too much power, and it diminishes your own power and control.  There is a great deal of negative energy involved in holding grudges, thus, it hurts you, not the other person.  Holding a grudge serves no good purpose.
    
Now, I’m not saying that there are no reasons for initiating or holding grudges, but how long to hold them has a lot to do with the kind of infraction committed and the importance of the issue to the individual who was wronged.  Within relationships, a variety of elements determine the answer to how long to hold them.  Think about it.  How much relationship history is involved? How much do you value the relationship?  How much do you value the other person?  How strongly do you feel the other person is committed to the issue?  Do you think the other person is likely to change his or her commitment over time?  You get the point: there are many issues involved.
    
At the website, TheHappySelf: Personal transformation for thinking people, the essay, “Don’t hold a grudge!” offers six specific steps for getting over grudges through forgiveness.   There are many websites with suggestions and guidelines for achieving forgiveness, but I thought these were reasonable and achievable.  First, commit to letting go by admitting that you have grudges, and the longer you harbor them the less peace of mind and the more personal misery and suffering.  Second, shift your focus by spending your time and energy on happier things.  Third, make a grudge list by listing on a sheet of paper every grudge and resentment that occurs to you.  Be honest.   Now, fourth, confess.  Tell a confidante about each of the grudges listed.  Not only will this offer relief, but it will make you feel better, too.  Fifth, read over your grudges one by one, and say goodbye to each one — goodbye to the misery, pain, and suffering they have caused.  Sixth, forgive yourself and move on.  
    
Remember, by forgiving yourself and moving on, you are doing something that will benefit yourself by improving, strengthening, and advancing your thinking and behavior.  Why?  Because constant thinking about the people or events that made you establish the grudge in the first place only heightens the feelings that make you moody, anxious, irritable, and short tempered.  Carrying the grudge erodes your best thinking, corrodes your behavior, and wears away your happiness and contentedness.
    
It always helps me to remember that I cannot control the actions of others.  To try is to waste valuable time and effort.  What I have total control over is my own thoughts and actions.  This is power.  Thus, if I can stop all the negative thoughts about events, actions, and situations that others have caused, I can stop reliving that hurt and move on.  It is important, I have found, to realize I have the choice to move on.  I have the power.  I just have to remember to exercise the power I have.
    
To answer the question that is the title of this article, no one has cornered the market on how long grudges may be held.  The best answer to the question, how long should you hold grudges is another question: How quickly should you dispense with grudges?  The answer is clear: as quickly as you can.  The essay at TheHappySelf  website closes with the comment: “Grudges are the domain of small, petty people, not you, life is too short to be hung up on hate for the whole time that you are here, and being unforgiving may make you feel invulnerable, but it will most definitely cost you happiness in the long run.”
    
Now, all this information comes a little late for my father-in-law mentioned in the opening examples.  There is no doubt he will take his grudges to the grave.  But, that makes me wonder.  He is 97-years-old!  Perhaps holding grudges is the key to longevity.
- - - - - - - - - -
The best website I have discovered on letting go of grudges and forgiveness is the MayoClinic website, on Adult Health.  The article there, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness, is written by Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., a member of the Mayo Clinic staff.  The article covers what forgiveness is, the benefits of forgiveness, why it’s easy to hold a grudge, the effects of holding a grudge, how to reach a state of forgiveness, what happens when you can’t forgive someone, whether or not forgiveness guarantees reconciliation, how to interact with the person who hurt you, what happens when the person you want to change doesn’t, and, finally, Piderman considers the question, “What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?”  This is a great article.

At LiveStrong there is a great deal of information in the essay, “Handling Forgiving and Forgetting,” that covers what is forgiving and forgetting, the negative consequences of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, and the steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.
- - - - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Day #284 - Do something today that will bring a better tomorrow.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow." --Doug Firebaugh

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." --George S. Patton


Day #284 - Do something today that will bring a better tomorrow.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  These are two of the four motivational quotations for Day #284.

Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

And Then Some News

Thursday's Essay Preview

The first paragraph of the essay, "How long should you hold a grudge?," reads as follows: "Asked how long he holds a grudge, one fellow replied, 'Until hell freezes over.'  Another said, it depends on two things: 1) the intent, and 2) the gravity of the situation.  Yet another person said, 'If the person is an idiot, I simply consider the source and dismiss both the person and the comment or situation.'  And the final person asked, said, 'I turn the other cheek.'”
                                      
                                                                                                                                                                Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay

"Now, all this information comes a little late for my father-in-law mentioned in the opening examples.  There is no doubt he will take his grudges to the grave.  But, that makes me wonder.  He is 97-years-old!  Perhaps holding grudges is the key to longevity."           




And Then Some News

The intelligent entrepreneur: How three Harvard Business School graduates learned the 10 rules of successful entrepreneurship

By Bill Murphy Jr.


Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.


Harvard Business School (HBS) teaches its business classes by having students read, analyze, and discuss case studies.  Bill Murphy is a Harvard graduate, and the reason you need to know this before diving into this book, is that basically, it is three extensive and well-described case studies (of Marla Malcolm Beck, Chris Michel, and Marc Cenedella) tied together with their experiences and how they demonstrate (sometimes purposefully and at other times accidentally) the ten rules of successful entrepreneurship:
    1.    Make the commitment.
    2.    Find a problem, then solve it.
    3.    Think big, think new, think again.
    4.    You can’t do it alone.
    5.    You must do it alone.
    6.    Manage risk.
    7.    Learn to lead.
    8.     Learn to sell.
    9.    Persist, persevere, prevail.
  10.    Play the game for life.


In each case, you get a beautifully presented explanation of the real life challenges and triumphs of the three entrepreneurs in the eleven odd-numbered chapters, and in the even-numbered chapters, you get Murphy’s key rules of entrepreneurial success that Marla, Chris, and Marc learned along the way (p. 7).  It’s an interesting format, but it works well.


Once you meet Marla, Chris, and Marc in Chapter 1 and hear their stories (which sets the stage for the entire book), you will not just become interested in how their lives work out, but their stories, too, will captivate you, and you will quickly become absorbed in this well-written, interesting, and enlightening book.


Whether you are a hopeful entrepreneur, one just starting out, or one who has already plunged forward into entrepreneurship and is fully ensconced, I think you will find this book worthwhile.  Having recently established a small publishing company, And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C., I found his information accurate, insightful, and valuable.


This book is available at Amazon.com: The intelligent entrepreneur: How three Harvard Business School graduates learned the 10 rules of successful entrepreneurship