by Richard L. Weaver II In the eighth edition of my textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2007), I list the importance of talk under the heading “Essential Elements of Good Relationships.” There it is listed as the first of eight elements (verbal skills, emotional expressiveness, conversational focus, nonverbal analysis, conversational encouragement, care and appreciation, commitment, and adaptation); however, it is part of each of the other seven for without it, none of the other seven can take place.
One of the often-heard complaints that women express about their relationship partner revolves around the “he won’t talk” problem: “He just won’t open up,” or “He doesn’t communicate,” or “He never expresses his feelings,” or “He never acts like he’s listening,” or “He doesn’t respond to me when I talk to him.” Whether one classifies it as a gender bias or not, it is, essentially, a male problem: Women talk, men don’t!
Rather than examine both the genetic and social conditions that lead males to be less than verbally fluent in relationships, let’s leave it with the fact that male evolution (whether it is their cultural history or their personal background) tends to render them speechless! By avoiding these issues, we can focus on the importance of talk in relationships. There are five reasons.
First, we need to look at the importance of talk in reducing conflicts. A number of young couples pride themselves on never having a conflict. Instead of it being a matter of pride, it should be a red flag waving wildly to get attention. With no conflict couples have established no prodical for dealing with it, and there is no way to predict what will happen when it occurs, and it will occur! How will the partners react? Do they ignore it? Do they talk it out at once? How upset do they become? Do they wait until tempers have subsided, and it can be dealt with in a rational, constructive manner? Are partners willing to listen to each other? Will they talk openly and honestly to reach a solution that is agreeable to both, or will one partner insist he or she is right and bully the other to get his or her way? Talk that happens during conflicts is different than talk that occurs daily because it takes place in emotionally charged circumstances, and when guided by intense emotion it becomes less predictable and more volatile.
Second, talk is part of the responsibility — the duty — of lovers and partners. Why is it a “duty”? Because it is part of the commitment that partners make to each other when they agree to form a relationship, and it has enormous importance. Talk acknowledges the existence of the other person and gives him or her a sense of self. When your partner has spoken to you, you need to acknowledge that with more than simply a grunt or a sigh. “I agree,” or “I see what you mean,” or “Yes, I think that is an excellent observation,” are some methods of acknowledgment. And when a partner is talking, he or she needs some recognition every few seconds that you are awake, alive, interested, and paying attention. The best recognition, of course, is for you to turn and face him or her directly, put down the newspaper, remote, or turn away from your monitor, look him or her in the eye, and nod, say yes or no, and release a noise of encouragement (hmmm, or oh), as the conversation proceeds.
When you feel you are not being listened to, you feel like a piece of furniture. Being ignored is a denial of your value. Spirit is crushed.
Third, we need to understand the importance of listening as part of the “talk process.” The problem with effective listening is the time it takes to hear the other person out. Men — especially men — short circuit the communication process by interrupting, anticipating what the other person is going to say, giving advice, trying to quickly solve a problem to avoid further conversation, or completing his or her thoughts. Unqualified, complete listening is what allows one spouse to understand the other spouse’s perspective on things. What is often misunderstood when a person is cut off, is how it affects perceptions of caring and appreciation. Effective listening is one of the best ways to physically demonstrate caring and appreciating. Other ways are to give compliments and self-disclose.
Fourth, talk is important for keeping track of relationships. They evolve, partners change, and surprising and unexpected occurrences affect relationships (for better or worse), and the fact is that a relationship, at any single point in time, is different than it was at any point in the past. Communication is a tool for learning how to adapt. It is a typical “man thing” to think that once the chase is over and a bonding experience has taken place (e.g., marriage), that a relationship becomes solid, strong, secure, and safe. Nothing more needs to be done since it is now permanent, and permanence conveys a level of reliability and dependability. Unfortunately, this is not true.
Partners need to speak, listen, and negotiate not just to stay on course, but to know from day-to-day and week-to-week just what that course is. “After years of research,” says one writer on relationships, “it turns out that what makes for highly adaptive people is their capacity to adapt.” When one partner says to the other, “You know, you are not the same person I married,” that is a good thing not bad; however, if the relationship is characterized by active, ongoing, engaging talk all along, one partner will surely know that the other person is no longer the same and why such changes are not just important but essential. Growth is what keeps partners and relationships active, exciting, and vibrant. The opposite of growth is staleness, lethargy, stagnation—and, perhaps, death.
The fifth reason why talk is important is that it keeps relationship partners involved with each other. Talk is healthy and productive. In addition, it is friendly, loving, kind, and fun. That doesn’t mean there can’t be silences, but without active communication, silences tend to be boring, unhelpful, destructive, and potentially threatening. Talk needs purpose and direction, of course, or it can become rambling, chattering, or babbling about meaningless trivia. When used simply to fill silences, it becomes pointless, aimless, empty, and inconsequential.
Relationship partners must remember that the purpose of conversations is not to agree with each other — although that may be a positive and welcomed outcome — it is to learn from each other on both an intellectual and emotional level. Good talking, too, can lead to good sex since flirting, holding hands, and seducing are all part of communication-oriented foreplay. For partners to continue in a relationship, they must find mutually beneficial ways of communicating.
______________________________________________________________________________
For an excellent website that celebrates the importance of relationships, go to OfSpirit.com (Healing Body, Mind, and Spirit) at: http://www.ofspirit.com/relationships.htm At this website they list numerous links to other important articles and insights regarding relationships.
The Yahoo Health website entitled “Relationship Rescue” is terrific at http://health.yahoo.com/relationships/ because of all the relationship information and links.
My top recommendation is the Psychology Today “Relationships Center” website at http://psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships.html There are links there that allow you to browse their numerous excellent articles on relationships.
______________________________________________________________________________
One of the often-heard complaints that women express about their relationship partner revolves around the “he won’t talk” problem: “He just won’t open up,” or “He doesn’t communicate,” or “He never expresses his feelings,” or “He never acts like he’s listening,” or “He doesn’t respond to me when I talk to him.” Whether one classifies it as a gender bias or not, it is, essentially, a male problem: Women talk, men don’t!
Rather than examine both the genetic and social conditions that lead males to be less than verbally fluent in relationships, let’s leave it with the fact that male evolution (whether it is their cultural history or their personal background) tends to render them speechless! By avoiding these issues, we can focus on the importance of talk in relationships. There are five reasons.
First, we need to look at the importance of talk in reducing conflicts. A number of young couples pride themselves on never having a conflict. Instead of it being a matter of pride, it should be a red flag waving wildly to get attention. With no conflict couples have established no prodical for dealing with it, and there is no way to predict what will happen when it occurs, and it will occur! How will the partners react? Do they ignore it? Do they talk it out at once? How upset do they become? Do they wait until tempers have subsided, and it can be dealt with in a rational, constructive manner? Are partners willing to listen to each other? Will they talk openly and honestly to reach a solution that is agreeable to both, or will one partner insist he or she is right and bully the other to get his or her way? Talk that happens during conflicts is different than talk that occurs daily because it takes place in emotionally charged circumstances, and when guided by intense emotion it becomes less predictable and more volatile.
Second, talk is part of the responsibility — the duty — of lovers and partners. Why is it a “duty”? Because it is part of the commitment that partners make to each other when they agree to form a relationship, and it has enormous importance. Talk acknowledges the existence of the other person and gives him or her a sense of self. When your partner has spoken to you, you need to acknowledge that with more than simply a grunt or a sigh. “I agree,” or “I see what you mean,” or “Yes, I think that is an excellent observation,” are some methods of acknowledgment. And when a partner is talking, he or she needs some recognition every few seconds that you are awake, alive, interested, and paying attention. The best recognition, of course, is for you to turn and face him or her directly, put down the newspaper, remote, or turn away from your monitor, look him or her in the eye, and nod, say yes or no, and release a noise of encouragement (hmmm, or oh), as the conversation proceeds.
When you feel you are not being listened to, you feel like a piece of furniture. Being ignored is a denial of your value. Spirit is crushed.
Third, we need to understand the importance of listening as part of the “talk process.” The problem with effective listening is the time it takes to hear the other person out. Men — especially men — short circuit the communication process by interrupting, anticipating what the other person is going to say, giving advice, trying to quickly solve a problem to avoid further conversation, or completing his or her thoughts. Unqualified, complete listening is what allows one spouse to understand the other spouse’s perspective on things. What is often misunderstood when a person is cut off, is how it affects perceptions of caring and appreciation. Effective listening is one of the best ways to physically demonstrate caring and appreciating. Other ways are to give compliments and self-disclose.
Fourth, talk is important for keeping track of relationships. They evolve, partners change, and surprising and unexpected occurrences affect relationships (for better or worse), and the fact is that a relationship, at any single point in time, is different than it was at any point in the past. Communication is a tool for learning how to adapt. It is a typical “man thing” to think that once the chase is over and a bonding experience has taken place (e.g., marriage), that a relationship becomes solid, strong, secure, and safe. Nothing more needs to be done since it is now permanent, and permanence conveys a level of reliability and dependability. Unfortunately, this is not true.
Partners need to speak, listen, and negotiate not just to stay on course, but to know from day-to-day and week-to-week just what that course is. “After years of research,” says one writer on relationships, “it turns out that what makes for highly adaptive people is their capacity to adapt.” When one partner says to the other, “You know, you are not the same person I married,” that is a good thing not bad; however, if the relationship is characterized by active, ongoing, engaging talk all along, one partner will surely know that the other person is no longer the same and why such changes are not just important but essential. Growth is what keeps partners and relationships active, exciting, and vibrant. The opposite of growth is staleness, lethargy, stagnation—and, perhaps, death.
The fifth reason why talk is important is that it keeps relationship partners involved with each other. Talk is healthy and productive. In addition, it is friendly, loving, kind, and fun. That doesn’t mean there can’t be silences, but without active communication, silences tend to be boring, unhelpful, destructive, and potentially threatening. Talk needs purpose and direction, of course, or it can become rambling, chattering, or babbling about meaningless trivia. When used simply to fill silences, it becomes pointless, aimless, empty, and inconsequential.
Relationship partners must remember that the purpose of conversations is not to agree with each other — although that may be a positive and welcomed outcome — it is to learn from each other on both an intellectual and emotional level. Good talking, too, can lead to good sex since flirting, holding hands, and seducing are all part of communication-oriented foreplay. For partners to continue in a relationship, they must find mutually beneficial ways of communicating.
______________________________________________________________________________
For an excellent website that celebrates the importance of relationships, go to OfSpirit.com (Healing Body, Mind, and Spirit) at: http://www.ofspirit.com/relationships.htm At this website they list numerous links to other important articles and insights regarding relationships.
The Yahoo Health website entitled “Relationship Rescue” is terrific at http://health.yahoo.com/relationships/ because of all the relationship information and links.
My top recommendation is the Psychology Today “Relationships Center” website at http://psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships.html There are links there that allow you to browse their numerous excellent articles on relationships.
______________________________________________________________________________
Contact Richard L. Weaver II
If only couples would consider these issues BEFORE they get married rather than waiting until it is too late!
ReplyDeleteThank you maxryan for your comment. I think the problem can be summed up in one phrase: "Love is blind." At the height of infatuation, the emotions tend to cloud rational thought, and people enter into relationships either not thinking about issues such as communication or, more commonly, one partner believes he or she can change the partner in such a way that their behavior pleases him or her. Neither of these approaches are likely to result in relationship success. You are so right, "If only couples would consider these issues BEFORE they get married rather than waiting until it is too late!"
ReplyDelete