Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s coping that counts

by Richard L. Weaver II

I was looking for a topic to write about; often I make notes or outline an essay subtly on a small pad in my lap during church services. This time it was the sermon topic itself, “Surprised by God,” by Georganna Mawer, that provided the spark that led to this essay. Surprise! The topic was right in front of me. This happens often, and I never cease to be amazed at the occurrence when I am looking for a topic to write about, and I find it offered, as if on a silver platter..

Surprises often jump out at us when we least expect them. (Of course, that's why they're labeled "surprises"!) Sometimes they are welcome, at other times they leave us in awe and utter shock. They can be small as when we find something around the house that has been missing for some time. Or, they can be huge as when a woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant — exciting for many, but a surprise that can cause some to feel anxious, depressed, and afraid of what the future holds.

The most surprising thing that could happen in our future would be that it offered no surprises. Because the future has surprised us so often in the past, it would be inconceivable to have a future with no surprises. Those events that will be really startling and have important consequences, futurists have called wild cards. Wild cards have the potential to radically change many people’s thinking and planning. You plan a vacation, for example, and an important family member suddenly dies, and just as suddenly all your time, effort, attention, and finances must be directed elsewhere. Vacation plans now seem frivolous, meaningless, and beside the point.

What we must learn to do in the face of surprises — especially those futurists have labeled wild cards (those that push our buttons or trigger our adrenaline) — is to pull back and take some time to think. Before reacting with an emotional outburst, a nasty letter, or vile e-mail, we must think about the ramifications. The point is that we should never respond quickly just to be done with the matter. It’s a male tendency. That’s what gets many of us in trouble. It is when we are most prone to making mistakes — our emotions control us not our thoughts, and we are likely to say or do exactly the wrong thing.

In the face of surprises, we might want to take a long walk, breathe deeply a few times, and find time to research the facts. The world is not black and white — I am right and the other person is wrong — and there are any number of other alternatives to what is proposed or what has happened, and any alternative is strengthened when buttressed with facts. The key is thinking before acting.

Sometimes the answer lies in why the other person might think or act the way they do. When you count to 10, or even 100, when you feel like striking out and responding immediately, or take that long walk before presuming to know the “real truth” about a situation, the other person’s motives may become obvious. Think about it. Before ascribing sinister motives to others, ask, “Are they under stress that is causing them to react more strongly than what the issue warrants?” Before shooting back a potentially damaging reply, could the surprising event be but a feather floating softly across your horizon? Think about it. Can you simply watch it float by without reacting to it? Many answers lie in no answer at all!

Sometimes the answer to a surprise is not clear. Ask a friend, co-worker, another family member, priest, pastor, or rabbi how they would handle this. Think about it. Consider the possibility, as just noted, of not responding at all, and see how things are in a few days.

It is true that even with a boatload of suggestions, it won’t prevent people from occasionally doing something stupid or unfortunate. Just controlling our own behavior on a daily basis is a constant and formidable challenge. Even those who are older and considered by many to be mature adults struggle with this at times. There is no handbook, and even if there were, it is unlikely to cover every circumstance, all possible conditions, and each incident when and where you could be taken by surprise — and then, definitive instructions on how to handle it. Controlling the behavior of others — to limit the surprises they create for us — is totally outside our ability, much as we would like to believe that we can tell others what is wrong with them and what they should do to fix it! Even if we could, others are likely to take unkindly to instruction, training, or enlightenment from others who are outside the teaching, training, or instructional professions. Often, people take unkindly to instruction no matter the source!

There are ways to cope with surprises, but remember, a surprise would not be a surprise if you could completely anticipate and prepare for it. First, be yourself. As authentically as you can be, be aware that you are not going to agree with everyone all the time. Disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are part of life, and the best way to cope is to be yourself.

Second, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with others. Remember that other people, no matter how they have surprised you, are human beings who suffer the same challenges as you. Part of being gentle with others is to assume that their motives are pure and that they are only trying to deal with things as they see them. When you reveal empathy — trying to see the world as they do — it helps keep things in perspective. Be cautious in how you react to others

The third way to cope with surprises is to get plenty of rest, exercise, and good nutrition. Dealing with life’s stresses — let alone the surprises that are dished out along the way to keep you on your toes — requires all the strength, fortitude, and resilience you can muster. That strength of character, backbone, and courage must come from a firm, solid, and sturdy foundation.

The fourth way to cope with surprises is to be completely and brutally honest with yourself about how you contributed to any conflict, misunderstanding, or surprise. If the surprise came via e-mail, text message, letter, or phone call, you could make yourself a pledge not to respond until the next day — if that is possible. This will give you time to think about the roots of the conflict or misunderstanding. Even if you wait until later in the day, you will have time to consider what your response might mean and how you can react in a more positive manner. Instead of sending a response, call the person and chat or, better yet, talk in person. Try to avoid tacking one surprise on top of another since this may escalate the emotional involvement and further complicate what may have been simple miscommunication.

Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s how you cope with them that counts. They are going to happen, and preparation is possible. The better prepared you are, the easier they are to handle.
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At the CanyonRanch website, there is a delightful, short essay, “Coping with change,” full of practical suggestions: 1) Stay true to the authentic you, 2) Remember what’s important, 3) Do things that give you joy, 4) Live in gratitude, 5) Control what you can control, 6) Become the solution, 7) Try something new, 8) Talk about it, 9) Exercise, eat well, stay healthy. Good ideas in a well-written essay.

At DocStocSync, the article is entitled, “Coping with loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement,” and I realize it is a little off topic here, and the article is longer than those I normally recommend; however, the ideas in this article are excellent. It strikes me that if the surprise is large enough, and if the surprise truly shakes us to our core, then the steps for coping and the guide to grieving offered in the article are outstanding. They are too long to reproduce here, but the article is terrific.
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Copyright February, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.