"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." --Harriet Tubman
Day #269 - Keep reaching for the stars.
SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits. This is one of five motivational quotations for Day #269. Free 30-Day sample:smoers.com
The first two paragraphs of the essay, "Aphorisms to live by," (I could have called it "Motivation by Quotation!") read as follows: "There is no rhyme or reason for the order of aphorisms in this essay. The single criteria I used for selecting the aphorisms is that they touched me in some way. My addition in each paragraph is designed to explain the value of the aphorism to me—or the lesson I learned. The paragraphs are not connected, and there is no relationship between the various choices. Each paragraph stands alone.
People need to learn when to abandon pursuit, give up the race, and turn their attention to other matters. It was Norman Thomas who said, 'I am not a champion of lost causes, but of causes not yet won.'"
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay
And your challenge to grow, develop, and change can take place at any time in your life. “You are never too old,” said George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), “to be what you might have been.” H. L. Mencken said, “You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.” Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Aim above the mark to hit the mark.” And, to end on a light note, it was W. C. Fields who said, “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” This essay is now “over with.”
I put on the CD that accompanies the book as I began to read it. Interestingly, it offers a soothing background for reading: a soft voice (almost a whisper) that is ongoing and comforting, music that is truly ethereal and subtle, ideas that are reinforcing, positive, and confidence-inducing, and an echo (at times) or a double voice that sounds almost ghostly. (Using a microphone with speakers that offer a heavy bass, I often role play the voice of a ghost at Halloween, so I know exactly what a ghost should sound like! —said with a smile on my face!) I was intrigued from the outset.
Now, I have to admit that I am not one who needs more confidence, and I would never be the one who would approach McKenna at one of his public performances and say, “I’m just not a confident person.” Nonetheless, the title of the book and the CD intrigued me.
I was caught, too, with one of his marginal boxes (I use a plethora of marginal boxes in my textbook with McGraw-Hill, Communicating Effectively, so being “caught” is not at all unusual.). On page 15, he quotes Aristotle as saying, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence than is not an act, but a habit.” I might use that quotation in a future edition of my textbook. Another marginal quote that caught my attention was by Sir John Lubbock: “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”
His choices for marginal quotes, for the most part, added interest (for me) to his book, for there are no footnotes, no references, no suggested readings, no bibliography, and no other sources cited of any kind (except for the marginal boxes). He uses numerous personal experiences for his support or the experiences shared with him by others.
Thus, so far, I have been swept up by this book and CD! But a warning is necessary: This is simply and forthrightly a book (and CD) designed to plant the “seeds of confidence, self-belief, and motivation” (p. 1) — nothing more. That is McKenna’s goal and purpose.
Although the book is about 213 pages long, it is really much shorter than that because there are wide margins, and the lines are almost double-spaced (about 1 3/4ths spaces apart).
The main ideas with which McKenna deals are developing the confidence habit, motivation, and confidence in the real world. Because of my interest in public speaking, I paid special attention to pages 164-172. He says “there are only three things you need to do in order to feel easy and comfortable making powerful presentations in front of even the largest group: 1. Manage your state. 2. Know your content. 3. Speak with passion” (p. 164). And I would totally agree; however, that is precisely the problem. People are unable to manage their emotions, they do not know their content well-enough (often, they think they do!), and because of their negative emotions (fear), their passion becomes muted — sapped. To help him find passion before he speaks, McKenna recommends asking yourself two simple questions: 1) What is the essence of my message to the audience? and 2) What experience do I want them to have from listening to my talk? (p. 170).
The essence of what McKenna does is to use NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and hypnosis to change mindsets — to plant the seeds of change. He has you imagine positive situations (even create movies that illustrate concrete, encouraging, and supportive behaviors), and then he has you step into those situations and take on the behaviors you have imagined.
If you lack confidence in yourself, if you are looking for motivation to do the things you want to do, if you need help to overcome the fear of public speaking, poor business performance, problems in dating and sex, or in how to leave bad situations, then this book may offer you some assistance. Much of your success will depend on your own ability, persistence, and desire, but isn’t that the true story of our lives? We can depend on teachers, facilitators, and mentors for only so long, then changing any behavior at all is up to us.
In 1964 (47 years ago), I was inspired, encouraged, even energized by a book by M. C. Richards entitled, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person (Wesleyan University Press, 1962, 1964). The book is philosophical in nature, and it was Richards’ theme as much as her language (writing style) that roused and stirred me. “Centering is the image I use,” Richards writes, “for the process of balance which will enable us to step along that thread feeling it not as a thread but a sphere. It will, it is hoped,” she continues, “help us to walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness, finding our way continuous, self-completing” (p. 6). From the G. Merritt, of Boulder, Colorado, review at Amzaon.com, Merritt writes, “M. C. Richards was a potter, teacher, and poet, and her 1962 book is ‘a story of transformation’ (p. 4). In his Foreward to the 25th Anniversay Edition of M.C.'s ‘truly subversive book’ (p. ix), Matthew Fox writes, ‘I consider this book one of the great works of American philosophy: it is so cosmological, so feminist (without once using that term), so original, so full of wisdom, so post Cartesian, so nondualistic, so moral, and so fully a part of the mystical tradition of the West that one wonders from what source it arrived in our world . . . This is a prophetic and mystical book. Such books are dangerous. They are the kind dictators burn, churches tend to ignore, and consumer cultures leave on the shelf. For they have the power to awaken, to stir, to disturb, and to transform’ (pp. vii-viii).” That is the effect it had on me. "I sense this," Richards writes; "we must be steady enough in ourselves, to be open and to let the winds of life blow through us, to be our breath, our inspiration; to breathe with them, mobile and soft in the limberness of our bodies, in our agility, our ability, as it were, to dance, and yet to stand upright, to be intact, to be persons" (p. 12). This is truly inspirational writing. To put “a balanced life” into some practical perspective—a perspective from which, incidentally, Richards’ concept of Centering would most likely emerge—I would list the ingredients of a well-balanced life to be some equitable, proper, and just distribution of interest, time, and energy among: a positive attitude, exercise, diet, sleep, being healthy, listen well, quiet personal time, creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally, family and friends, work, a sense of humor, and faith (however you define it and in whatever context you choose).
More attention to the balance of these elements alone, would help us live more appropriately within the delicate balance of living creatures, the daily demands made upon us, and the personal needs required to live a healthy, productive, and rewarding life. Without being fully aware of it ("an unexpected discovery"), I wrote a book about living a balanced life. The book, You Rules—Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life (And Then Some Publishing, 2008), focuses on self-improvement, and, as I say in the preface to this book, “. . . if one wants to make changes in his or her life—and change is what this book is all about because for self-improvement to occur, one must change—how much, how soon, in what direction that change will go are all decisions that will take place as you read the essays in this volume” (p. xi). Rather than repeat myself in this essay, let me clarify—using the book You Rules!—where the elements above can be found. In the first two chapters of the book, I discuss both optimism and developing a positive attitude, and I offer a number of specific suggestions for obtaining both.
Along with optimism and a positive attitude, one needs to make self-discipline a habit and become passionate about life—characteristics that are enablers for they make achieving the other elements in the list possible. The other four essays in the first section of You Rules! treat the issues of how to take control of your life (“Make Your Own Luck”), how to break out of your comfort zones (“Get Out of Your Comfort Zones”), an essay on how to stop procrastination (“Make TNT [Today Not Tomorrow] Your Motto to Feed Your Mind With Positive Input”), and, finally, an essay on how to become more organized (“Get Organized”). The entire second section of the book, You Rules!, is devoted to the next three elements in the list above: diet, sleep, being healthy. Chapter 9 carries the title, “Adopt a Healthy Lifestyle.” Chapter 10, “Make a Commitment to Regular Exercise,” and Chapter 11, “Develop a Sense of Wonder.” This section, too, includes a chapter on “Have a Sense of Humor.” These chapters not only discuss the importance of these elements, they offer specific methods for accomplishment. The third section of the book, You Rules!, is designed not just to keep you on track in the accomplishment of the elements of a well-balanced life, but to overcome the many stones in the road. It covers such issues as self-discipline, self-management, listening to your instincts, controlling worry, pursuing a program of growth, development, and change, and how to take risks in stretching the boundaries of our mental, spiritual, and physical worlds. This section also includes a chapter on, “Become an Effective Listener,” which is another one of the elements. The next two elements essential to a well-balanced life, from the list offered above— creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally—are covered in the fourth section of the book, You Rules!, entitled, “Exercise Your Creativity.” Not only are the benefits of creativity discussed but so, too, are the characteristics of successful, creative people. When you know how the creative process works, explained in Chapter 28, you are more likely to recognize the process in action and the value of quiet personal time (another element), and when you know the kind of life in which creativity can flourish (Chapter 29), you will know exactly how it can be nurtured. The need to become immersed in a field of study [which encompasses the area of “work” in the listed elements] and the nature of and how to capitalize on “flow” are the final two chapters in this section. The fifth section of the book, You Rules!, “Maintain Your Progress,” helps in achieving a well-balanced life because it offers specific, pragmatic advice for dealing with failure and mistakes, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable social influences, wrestling with the devil, keeping your brain in good shape, and making your self-improvements last. It is in the final section of the book, You Rules!, “Look to a Positive Future,” where there are chapters that focus on the final two elements in the list not previously considered. The importance of family and friends is covered in Chapter 48, “Become a Loving Human Being,” and faith is covered in “Reflect Upon Your Blessings” (Chapter 44). If you chose to live a balanced life, and you decided that the elements listed above were even some of those for which you wanted to strive, then the book, You Rules!, includes a wide range of useful and immediate recommendations for beginning at once on such a project! Indeed, You Rules! will help each of us to, as M. C. Richards says, “walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness.” ----- At EssentialLife Skills.net, the five priorities discussed include: 1. Take care and nurture yourself, 2. Know what your priorities are, 3. Create an efficient mindset, 4. Expect the unexpected, and 5. Maintain a positive mental attitude.
At everydayhealth.com in the essay, “Top Tips for Creating a Well-Balanced Life A balanced life addresses the basics of exercise, good nutrition, and stress relief. Wellbeing stems from paying attention to both your emotional and physical health,” Chris Iliades, a medical doctor lists time management, stress management, exercise, nutrition, support, more support, and health care as the essentials. ----- Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
"I learned that the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to work hard at it. Whether you're a musician, a writer, an athlete or a businessman, there is no getting around it. If you do, you'll win --- if you don't you won't." --Bruce Jenner
Day #268 - Work hard.
SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits. This is one of twelve motivational quotations for Day #268. Free 30-Day sample:smoers.com
The first paragraph of the essay, "Living a Balanced Life," reads as follows: "In 1964 (46 years ago), I was inspired, encouraged, even energized by a book by M. C. Richards entitled, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person (Wesleyan University Press, 1962, 1964). The book is philosophical in nature, and it was Richards’ theme as much as her language (writing style) that roused and stirred me. 'Centering is the image I use,' Richards writes, 'for the process of balance which will enable us to step along that thread feeling it not as a thread but a sphere. It will, it is hoped,' she continues, 'help us to walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness, finding our way continuous, self-completing' (p. 6)."
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay
If you chose to live a balanced life, and you decided that the elements listed above were even some of those for which you wanted to strive, then the book, You Rules!, includes a wide range of useful and immediate recommendations for beginning at once on such a project! Indeed, You Rules! will help each of us to, as M. C. Richards says, “walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness.”
I agree with Schwartz’s basic premise that “nearly 75 percent of employees around the world feel disengaged at work every day.” Also, I think that Schwartz’s ideas for “reenergizing our lives so we’re both more satisfied and more productive,” are on target. Schwartz includes a 3-page bibliography and over 13 pages of notes.
His first three chapters (and their titles) clearly identify the problem: 1) “more & More, Less & Less (overwhelmed with technology and the urgencies that correspond, our creativity, quality, engagement, throughtful deliberation, and performance is undermined), 2) “We Can’t Change What We Don’t Notice,” and 3) “We’re Creature of Habit.” Unfortunately, people cannot override negative inertia, and one book, no matter how good, cannot and will not (is unlikely to) help.
Make no mistake, this is a very good book and Schwartz’s strategies in the four areas of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual, are excellent — not necessarily ground breaking (or earth shattering) — but certainly they are fine ideas none-the-less. I liked, for example, in the area of the physical, his chapters, “Sleep or Die,” and “Use It or Lose It.” “The Facts and the Stories We Tell,” in the “emotional” area discussed “realistic optimism” and perception. Excellent chapters. The chapter, “Cultivating the Whole Brain,” in the “mental” part of the book is very good, and the chapter, “Purpose for Passion,” in the “spiritual” part is also well done. Schwartz has some very good ideas.
I though Schwartz’ inclusion of “The Big Ideas,” Chapters 1-20 (pp. 277-296), which summarized all his chapters, was a great addition to this book.
Overall, I this book is superbly written, includes captivating stories and examples, offers well-illustrated (with tables and graphs) concepts, and uses excellent sources. The average rating of the 21 reviews written at Amazon.com as I completed this review was five stars out of five. That certainly says a lot.
What I find unfortunate in all of this is that those who need this information the most will never see or read it.
Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights. First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39). Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well. In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44). In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73). I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96). “Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)
She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122). Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).
Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133). My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading. ----- In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.
Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.
At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.” ----- Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
"We must overcome the notion that we must be ordinary . . . it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre." --Uta Hagen
Day #267 - Overcome your biggest obstacle to forward progress --- yourself.
SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits. This is one of five motivational quotations for Day #267. Free 30-Day sample:smoers.com
The first paragraph of the essay, "Bright-Sided," reads as follows: "Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights."
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay
My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
This is a well-written book full of great ideas; however, it is not for everyone. Those who are truly interested in ending work as they know it, must have special qualities many people in the workforce today either do not possess or do not want to possess (that is, they strive for nothing more than what they have). The authors acknowledge that those who want to achieve the end that is the title of this book, must have “confirmation that [they] are worthy of what [they] want to achieve.” What does this mean? It means they must ALREADY possess “99 percent of what is required to achieve ]their] end of work” (p. xv). You may wonder, 99% of what? That is what Sindell and Sindell’s chapters are all about. If you do not already possess expertise, forget it. If you cannot already initiate change, this book will do little to help. If you do not have the capacity to gain autonomy, do not tread here. If you have no way or have never created meaning, this is not the time nor the place to start. Can you spark creativity, seize recognition, maintain balance in your life, or build a legacy? You see, this book is not a starting place; it builds on the talents and abilities you already possess. I would add, too, that if you have all these talents and abilities in place, you either do not need this slender book (122 pages), or you have already discovered a wonderful, pleasing, satisfying place (or life style) that is completely rewarding. That is, you’re already there. So, what we have here is a book for an incredibly small, niche audience. I’m not saying the material isn’t good, nor am I saying that the suggestions are unworthy, I’m simply saying that if you’ve established the credentials that the author outlines at the outset, then it is unlikely this book will offer much help — except, perhaps, reinforce and underscore your talents and abilities. Offering you something new or something you have not discovered (if you are truly 99% there?), not so much.
When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.” Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively. In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is: “The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management. “The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.) “Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible. “If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.” The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience). There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation. Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand. Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”) At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.” With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions. ----- At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.
At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound! ----- Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
"I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear; lips that cannot speak; than a heart that cannot love." --Robert Tizon
Day #266 - Appreciate matters of the heart.
SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits. This is one of six motivational quotations for Day #266. Free 30-Day sample:smoers.com
The first paragraph of the essay, "Managing Conflict," reads as follows: "When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, 'Conflict and Conflict Management.'"
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
When I first read this book I didn’t think very much of it. Why? Maybe it was the title. More, however, it was because I thought it was just one woman’s experiences, point of view, and advice. Sure, she had tried speed dating, online searches, and worked with a dating coach in her attempts to find an adequate relationship partner, and she writes about these in a very readable and enjoyable manner, but anyone (I thought) could do what she did and then write about his or her experiences. I found the book rather “talky” and “trite.” But, I changed my tone having read some of the other reviews on Amazon.com. Readers found it particularly insightful, interesting, and thought-provoking. (Shows you where my head is!)
Kate Oszko, from Brisbane, Australia, wrote, “It was a very easy read full of anecdotes and stories about what women look for and why really smart, talented and interesting women are often left alone. I guess it is reminding us to look beyond the obvious, not get too caught up in those endless "lists" of what we want in a man, and to focus on what we "need.” Oszko ends her review by saying, “I had been having difficulty getting into reading, and this was a great way to get motivated again. It took me about a day and was interesting and thought provoking.”
Yolanda Mccarden ("YoYo") wrote, “I didn't really think I would like this book. I however found it interesting. I liked being able to see myself at different stages of dating - beginning in my twenties and now in my forties. I purchased this book for my mother - who just wanted to read it to see what it was about. She gave it to me and now I look at dating in my age bracket differently. I now can talk to my friends about the problems they've been having as well as addressing my own.”
Corin Duran wrote, “Please do not disregard this gem because of the title! I am married and heard about this book. I got it because I was intrigued and curious. I was not disappointed... it was witty, fun and refreshing. After reading the book, I realized that you don't have to be single to enjoy it. I'm not looking for a husband, not unhappy in my marriage and yet I gained a new appreciation for my relationship and my husband. This is truly a wonderful book that anybody could benefit from, no matter if you're single, married, divorced, separated, widowed, etc.”
When I began writing my review there were 92 reviews of Gottlieb’s book on Amazon.com, and the book received a rating of 4 1/2-stars out of 5. That tells you something — maybe that I should not even begin to review a book that is “out of my league.” I just have no experience in these areas. Why did I choose to review the book? I thought it might be interesting. I like variety in my life.
Rachael S. Stern ("Rachel Stern") of Pikesville, Maryland, writes the following 5-star review of the book: “Having been successfully married for the past ten years, and having engaged in an active search for a mate before I met my late husband, I can say from experience that Lori essentially has it right. The most important ingredient in a successful relationship is this: empathy. Lori called it compassion, I believe, but I think of it as empathy. If I wanted a guy to tell me He was so lucky to have married me then I had to tell him that I was the lucky one. If I wanted him to tell me that I was the best wife in the world, then I had to tell him he was the best husband in the world. It works. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself. The golden rule. Somewhere along the way, this has been forgotten.” (If this was the essential discovery Stern received from her reading of the book, then I would suggest that the 318-page book was not especially valuable — and yet she gave it the full five stars!)
Listen to this 5-star review by Ali B. of New York, NY, “I can't tell you how absolutely fantastic this book is. I keep telling all my girlfriends about it. It's like a dirty romance novel that I just could not put down! It was also very relatable--very 2010--I easily could put myself in most situations, most especially [...]. It was very eye opening and enlightening. I think it can also empower women to open their eyes and see that there are actually a lot of great men out there, if we just relax and stay open minded.”
This 5-star review, by D. Wagner of Los Angeles, CA, says it all: “Are you a young single woman looking for love? You must read this book! How about a 40-something single woman? Single man? (Unhappily) married couple? Happy couple? You should ALL read this book! Why? Because it's one of the funniest, best researched books on relationships out there. Citing a variety of experts (matchmakers, psychologists, happy couples, economists ... even a rabbi), Lori Gottlieb gets to the heart of the issue: how we make decisions about love. Reading this book will likely help you to make better decisions when it comes to your love life - and perhaps decisions that could improve your life all around as well.”
See, there is no way I would be able to review this book appropriately — even though you DO get caught up in the stories and anecdotes. From all the reviews I read, I understand 1) the value of the book, 2) for whom the book was written, and 3) the wit, charm, and style readers discovered in Gottlieb’s approach. I’m a believer! Just from the reviews, you get a clear idea of how well liked Gottlieb and this book are. (I withdraw my concerns as well as my judgments of this book. When the shoe fits, even when it’s not your foot, you must consider the feet of others!)
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately. We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor. Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.” Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years. A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.” This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road. There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life. The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed. Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative. There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly. When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control. Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment. ----- At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.” ----- Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." --Lou Holtz
Day #265 - Use all your resources.
SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits. This is one of four motivational quotations for Day #265. Free 30-Day sample:smoers.com
The video production site for And Then Some Publishing, LLC,ANTworkstudio.com has just released Who Wrote William Shakespeare? Part 2, by Edgar E. Willis.
Part 2 discusses questions about William Shakespeare. Is it mad house chatter? Is it ridiculous? Heretics or as described, Anti-Stratfordians who subscribe to the notion that William Shakespeare did not write the volume of material associated with him. In this video many questions are answered for the numerous reasons he is questioned about his writing, including a history of the postcard of information that is truly fact about William Shakespeare.
See more Books and Videos including How to Be Funny on Purpose and Edgar's account of World War II at EdgarEWillis.com
Thursday's Essay Preview
The first paragraph of the essay, "Losing Control," reads as follows: "When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately."
Thursday's Essay Excerpt - from the last paragraph of the essay
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.
When I find a book that challenges me to think and question, I want to shout about it to the world. This is, indeed, one of those books. It’s far more than that, however, for it clearly illustrates how fantasy, illusion, and escapism infuse our society, economy, and political system as one reviewer noted. It doesn’t require a stretch to accept his observations; if you are a media user and an observer of popular culture, you will easily (and readily) confirm what he writes.
Chris Hedges is a terrific writer, and the material he writes about here (literacy, love, wisdom, happiness, and America) closely relate to all of us. This is one of those “must read” books that will not only capture your imagination but will dwell in your thoughts long after you put this book down.
I thought his selection of subjects was excellent, his use of other thinkers and writers for support of his observations was outstanding, and his obvious reporter skills for precision and accuracy were well demonstrated. Yes, it is “gloom and doom”; however, I truly believe that he is on the right track. He does not set out to solve the problems he details, nor is he into “future gazing.” He simply and methodically reports — as a competent reporter should. And what he writes about, whether it is pro-wrestling, the porn industry, celebrity culture, or the dumbing down (corporate takeover) of higher education (and “the military-industrial-academic complex” (p. 91), is not just engaging, it overwhelms the senses.
He writes in Chapter 5, “The Illusion of America”: “At no period in American history has our democracy been in such peril or the possibility of totalitarianism as real. Our way of life is over. Our profligate consumption is finished. Our children will never have the standard of living we had. This is the bleak future. This is reality. There is little President Obama can do to stop it. It has been decades in the making. It cannot be undone with $1 trillion or $2 trillion in bailout money. Nor will it be solved by clinging to the illusions of the past” (p. 145).
This is an important book, and as I said at the outset of this review, it is truly a “must read” for everyone. We live in a time where spectacle triumphs!
