Friday Humor

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.



I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.



I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought them for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a set of socket wrenches fell out!''



A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster.



My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the stupid phone!''