Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Gathering of Scientists

by Richard L. Weaver II

Scientists at the And Then Some Publishing, LLC, (ATSP) laboratories located in the prestigious residential community of Palo Alto, California, close to Stanford University, have developed a technology that will determine whether or not listeners, readers, subscribers, and others (unfortunately the technology is not refined enough to distinguish among these), have an interest in, will want to read, and will put to use material in the next book ATSP will publish.

The technology allows technicians to determine, based on an experientially situated paradigm, whether or not those studied have an interest in and can use a rule-based format.

What the scientists worked on first was fundamentals. Through a scientifically developed procedure called “Remote Information Disclosure” they discovered the role that learning fundamentals plays in people’s lives. What they uncovered was that people preferred building a solid foundation and knew that fundamentals opened alternatives and options. It surprised scientists when they realized people also knew that fundamentals supercharged creative juices, offered them strength, supplied the license, permission, and authority to act, gave confidence and security, offered a base for experimentation, and supplied a way to evaluate outcomes and assess results. Scientists were stunned by the erudition and perspicacity of their subjects.

When scientists detected the fact that most people preferred learning the basics before proceeding to higher-order thinking and doing, they knew that a rules-based, ordered presentation of ideas would be welcomed.

Scientists at the ATSP laboratories in Palo Alto then developed a series of intricate, methodical, statistically based, controlled, experimental studies that used before and after comparative populations, local central limit theorems and high-order correlations of rejective sampling and logistic likelihood asymtotics, and controlling for independent but not necessarily identically distributed random variables, in a variety of environmental settings, each with a designated control group, designed steps that would move people from a fixed beginning point to an intangible and evasive culmination whose objective would be to yield feelings of consummation and fulfillment.

Throughout the experiments, the goal of the scientists was to accurately record all of the acts, abilities, and skills demonstrated by study participants. This was accomplished through the use of MP3 VoiceRecorders, video cameras, as well as trained, paid, on-sight observers. These notes were gathered, collated, and transcribed, and the results have been preserved for public record in the United States Government Archival Records and Transmissions Office (USGART) in Washington, D.C.

After working out progressive steps, and after explicating the competence levels necessary to attain each of the prescriptions, scientists gathered in focus groups to work out specific details and record their findings in ways a lay public could comprehend. Each focus group had a designated participant to take notes, reduce jargon to understandable verbiage, and make the final report for each group.

At first scientists called their results theories, but they knew there would be people who would misinterpret these “theories” as untested suggestions that did not have proof nor universal acceptability. Axioms, maxims, and canons were other considered possibilities. One scientist wanted to use the word praxis because, for her, it represented the precision and accuracy of their work. Finally, after much discussion and debate among the various groups of scientists, the word “rules” was finally agreed upon — but only after several hours of discussion and debate. The minutes of these final discussions reflect lengthy debate and much disagreement.

To put their rules to a final test, each of the participating scientists was required to prepare a brief, formal, final public presentation. The primary requirement for this presentation was that it had to follow precisely the rules they had established, and the success of each presentation would be measured — by the other scientists, a gathering of family and friends, and a group of trained, paid, objective professional observers — by how faithfully, accurately, and literally each presentation subscribed to the requirements set forth by the rules the scientists had previously agreed upon.

For the purposes of the experiment, a standard, objective evaluation form was constructed by a paid, outside, contracted agency. This was the evaluation form used independently by each of the groups. Monitoring of the use of the form was performed by the West Lake Detective Agency. The firm was paid to make certain all judgments were independent and that no group- decision making occurred during the evaluation period.

The day arrived, presentations were made, listeners responded enthusiastically, critical evaluations took place uneventfully, results were tabulated by an independent comptroller, and the results were announced at a final banquet.

The news media were invited to the banquet, and the results were picked up by the Associated Press, and all the local television stations reported the results on their nightly newscasts. There was, at that time, wide support and strong encouragement for the results to be compiled in such a way that they could be made available to the general public. This feeling compelled one scientist during the business meeting that followed the final banquet to present a motion to this effect.

The vote on the motion was unanimous. There was loud and uproarious applause, and with the announcement of the result of the vote, all participants rose as one to not just acknowledge the results of the vote but to support the need to have the results published.

It is with great pleasure and a great deal of pride that ATSP has been given the privilege of publishing these results. The title of the book is Public Speaking Rules! All you need to give a GREAT speech, by Richard L. Weaver II, and when it becomes available it can be purchased at Amazon.com.

Happy April Fools’ Day! Everything in this essay is false except the last sentence of the paragraph above. (As of this writing, the book is in the final stages of preparation.)
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At “Museum of Hoaxes” (http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/) , “The Top 100 April Fools’ Day Hoaxes of All Time,” there are not just a numbering or listing of all the hoaxes, but there is a brief discussion of each one, and they are listed in hierarchical order as judged by notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.

The Wikipedia website under “April Fools’ Day” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fool's_Day) offers information on the “Origin,” “Well-Known Pranks,” “By Radio Stations,” “By Television Stations,” “By Magazines and Newspapers,” “By Game Shows,” “By Websites,” “List of April Fools’ Hoaxes,” “Real News on April Fools’ Day,” “Other Prank Days in the World,” and “April Fools’ Day in Media.” It is an impressive presentation of a wide variety of information.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II

Thursday, March 27, 2008

And Then Some News

With respect to April Fools’ Day I have been very fortunate. On April 9, 2005, I had an essay published in The (Toledo) Blade entitled “No joke: ‘He who laughs, lasts.’” Then, on March 31, 2007, I had a second essay celebrating April Fools’ Day published in the same paper entitled, “Tomorrow a day when fools rush in.” So, to celebrate the day in 2008 I have chosen an entirely different tack; I have decided to be serious. For Saturday, March 29, the essay is not for the feint of heart. Grab your dictionary, pump up your cerebral cortex, and take a shot at this highbrow report of an experiment entitled, “A Gathering of Scientists.”

Share your And Then Some Story about April Fools’ Day. What is the most incredible April Fools’ Day hoax you have experienced? From your childhood, what is the best prank you have ever pulled? Do you have a unique and interesting April Fools’ Day story you think others would enjoy reading? See the specifics about sharing your And Then Some Story in the section that follows the excerpt below.


Saturday Essay - March 29, 2008
A Gathering of Scientists
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:

For the purposes of the experiment, a standard, objective evaluation form was constructed by a paid, outside, contracted agency. This was the evaluation form used independently by each of the groups. Monitoring of the use of the form was performed by the West Lake Detective Agency. The firm was paid to make certain all judgments were independent and that no group decision making occurred during the evaluation period.
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Share your 'And Then Some Story'

And Then Some Publishing wants to hear your story. An important part of the And Then Some philosophy revolves around you and how you interpret the concepts and ideas. Saturday Essays on our blog and our book of essays are just guidelines to and our impressions of the And Then Some philosophy; they are not hard and fast rules or concepts embedded in cement. Every individual interprets life differently just as everyone interprets And Then Some just a little differently. In the end, everyone has the same goal, however...And Then Some --- Give more, Get more, Want more from life!

We are compiling your stories for a special And Then Some book built from your experiences. Also, some stories will be chosen to be posted on our blog.


The only way this feature can work is if you, the believer in And Then Some... submits a story. We're starting from ground zero and we need your stories!

Please... Submit and share your story... please. Be the first And Then Some Fan Story to be featured on our blog!

Click here to submit and share your And Then Some story!

And Then Some - C U Saturday!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

andthensomeworks.com - Service Unavailability

Starting midnight March 28th andthensomeworks.com will be down for 24 - 48 hours. Our host is switching servers to their new Data Center. This blog will still be running, however the pictures contained in the blog may not display properly, if at all.

I'll let HostExcellence explain it:
We've been very diligent in planning the move of our data center and we're on schedule with all preparations. Our primary target date for the relocation of all servers is the end of next week: Midnight, Friday March 28th. At that time, for a period of up to 48 hours, there will be service unavailability. It is not certain when your account will become unavailable or how fast it will come back up. Please allow ample time for us to make the move safely and securely.

I know I'm asking a lot of you and am truly thankful for your patience. You can expect significant service improvements with this move. It is likely that most accounts will only be down a portion of the allotted 48-hour window.

Kind Regards,
Fathi Said, CEO

www.hostexcellence.com

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You can expect faster webpage loads with their new multiple fiber-optic lines. andthensomeworks.com asks for your patience while our host gets their work done transferring to their new Data Center.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some

by Richard L. Weaver II

Based on the teaching I have done, advice I have given, essays and books I have written, and thinking I have engaged in, I want to answer the question: what are the areas most essential for improving your life? Let’s say that I’m in charge, and like a personal trainer, I have been given the full responsibility for improving your life right now — what would I do?

Two caveats are in order. First, remember that I don’t know you. I was recently talking to a friend of mine, and I leveled an attack against organized religion. He took it personally, and I had to explain that it wasn’t an attack against him or his religion in particular. (I have a strong aversion to authoritarian religions designed, through their authority, to restrict individual freedom, subordinate those rights to the interests of the church, and punish infractions.) Second, accept these suggestions as generic. That is, they are designed to have general application and, thus, are abstract not concrete.

First, manage your stress. Stress often is revealed through exhaustion, loss of/increased appetite, headaches, crying, sleeplessness, and oversleeping. People escape it through alcohol, drugs, or other compulsive behavior. Feelings of alarm, frustration, or apathy may accompany stress. Start with the realization that you are the one upsetting yourself. Because stress has a direct effect on your decision making, however, strive to get it under control at once by getting enough sleep, exercise, and nutritional food. Remove yourself from the stressful situation if possible, stop sweating the small stuff, change the way you react, avoid extreme reactions, avoid self-medication, stop overwhelming yourself, learn how to relax, change the way you see things, and do something for others.

Second, take better care of yourself. You and you alone are responsible for managing your health. How do you do it? You need to do four things: become as knowledgeable as possible about your health conditions; take good care of yourself; make the most of your encounters with your doctor; and keep careful records.

Third, take care of your relationships. Whether your relationships are with your supervisor, manager, customer or coworker, spouse, partner, friend, or family member, you want to make them positive, supportive, clear, and empowering. The best method is to be honest and committed. If you communicate and reflect maturity and wisdom about yourself, you are more likely to be accepted and respected. The degree that you love, accept, and respect yourself is exactly the degree you can feel these qualities for anyone else. Efforts toward establishing healthy relationships require consistency, and you must make them a priority in your life. It is through self-effort that you will achieve your goals of acceptance, respect, and love.

Fourth, improve your communication skills. Your key to good communication is listening well. Listen without judgment. Listen with the willingness to be swayed to the other person's opinion. At least stay open to the option. Listen without thinking about what you will say next. Take time before you respond. Stop being invested in being right. Being right is not the point. If you must be right, you are not able to listen nor communicate because you have set up a barrier already. If you are always right that means the other person is always wrong. That cannot be true.

Other suggestions for improving your communication skills include: If your mind wanders, ask for repetition. Stay focused. In all cases repeat back what you heard and ask if it is correct. Listen to yourself. Find quiet moments and pay attention to what you are hearing from yourself. Does your body tighten up about certain issues. Body language is not something to read only in other people. Say it honestly, but with consideration for the listener's feelings. Be polite, respectful, and sincere. Understand and acknowledge that most things are not black or white but somewhere in a gray area. Get comfortable with gray. Finally, have integrity and build trust. Don't say what you don't mean, and don't promise what you won't or can't fulfill. Follow through with any commitments you make.

Fifth, do not dwell on negativity in your life. You need to be careful with whom you spend time and whom you allow to give you advice. Are they people who are moving onward and upward, or are they wallowing in negativity, self-pity, and mediocrity — going nowhere fast? Are their words inspiring you to become the person you were intended to be, or are they deflating and distracting you? Whatever direction your friends are heading, they will have a major influence on your future ... if you allow it. If you are determined to overcome your negativity and fulfil your destiny you cannot afford to be held back by such relationships.

Negativity and anxiety work closely together. Anxious or depressed people cannot see straight. Their perspective on life is blown out of proportion. Small things seem huge, and molehills turn into insurmountable mountains. If you are looking at the world with cynicism and bitterness, your perspective of your life will become magnified and distorted in a destructive way.

There are four things you can do to deal with negativity. First, practice catching yourself each time you become aware of being negative. Second, learn to recognize negativity, then stop it. This gives you control over your thought patterns and ultimately your life. Third, remind yourself how your negativity damages important relationships. Nobody wants to be around someone who is guaranteed to bring them down. Don't let yourself be that person. Fourth, Look for the good in everything. There are few incidences in life that do not have a positive flip-side, no matter how dire the circumstances. Make it a habit to look for that silver lining.

By becoming aware of your everyday behavior — whether its in the areas of stress, health, relationships, communication skills, or negativity --- and slowly changing yourself to become more positive and optimistic, you will feel happier within yourself, Also, you will experience less stress, better health, successful and satisfying relationships, better connections with others through improved communication skills, and, with less negativity, attract new friends who actually enjoy your company.

These are simple suggestions for improving your life And Then Some; there are many others, of course. My feeling has always been that there is no end to the things that can be done to improve lives if people are aware, sensitive, alert, and open. Taking responsibility for making the changes needed is the tough part.
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Want a series of quick suggestions for improving your life? Check out the U.S. News & World Report website (http://www.usnews.com/features/news/50-ways-to-improve-your-life/50-ways

At “lifehack.org” there are “10 Virtually Instant Ways to Improve Your Life,” by Adrien Savage. Savage discusses: 1) Stop jumping to conclusions, 2) Don’t dramatize, 3) Don’t invent rules, 4) Avoid stereotyping or labeling people or situations, 5) Quit being a perfectionist, 6) Don’t overgeneralize, 7) Don’t take things so personally, 8) Don’t assume your emotions are trustworthy, 9) Don’t let life get you down. Keep practicing being optimistic. 10) Don’t hang on to the past. This is my most important suggestion: let go and move on.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II

Thursday, March 20, 2008

And Then Some News

If you enter “how to improve your life” into the Google search window (without quotation marks around it), you will get over 16 million hits (websites). If you add the quotation marks, you will get just over 50,000. Seems like there are plenty of people out there with ideas. Despite those numbers, I have decided to add my two cents in this Saturday’s essay, “Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life And Then Some.”

Share your And Then Some Story about improving your life. What steps have you taken to improve your life? If you were someone else’s personal trainer, how would you coach them to improve? Where would you start? Looking at people in today’s world, what suggestions might you make that you know would help them improve their lives? See the specifics about sharing your And Then Some Story in the section that follows the excerpt below.


Saturday Essay - March 22, 2008
Simple Suggestions for Improving Your Life "And Then Some"
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:

Based on the teaching I have done, advice I have given, essays and books I have written, and thinking I have engaged in, I want to answer the question: what are the areas most essential for improving your life? Let’s say that I’m in charge, and like a personal trainer, I have been given the full responsibility for improving your life right now — what would I do?
-------------------------

Share your 'And Then Some Story'

And Then Some Publishing wants to hear your story. An important part of the And Then Some philosophy revolves around you and how you interpret the concepts and ideas. Saturday Essays on our blog and our book of essays are just guidelines to and our impressions of the And Then Some philosophy; they are not hard and fast rules or concepts embedded in cement. Every individual interprets life differently just as everyone interprets And Then Some just a little differently. In the end, everyone has the same goal, however...And Then Some --- Give more, Get more, Want more from life!

We are compiling your stories for a special And Then Some book built from your experiences. Also, some stories will be chosen to be posted on our blog.


The only way this feature can work is if you, the believer in And Then Some... submits a story. We're starting from ground zero and we need your stories!

Please... Submit and share your story... please. Be the first And Then Some Fan Story to be featured on our blog!

Click here to submit and share your And Then Some story!

And Then Some - C U Saturday!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

We Get What We Deserve When It Comes to Alcohol Overuse and Abuse

by Richard L. Weaver II

This is an essay about how startled I am. On this topic — alcohol — I never cease to be amazed, and I have decided to use St. Patrick’s Day to reveal my feelings.

When I taught college, I was often told that students could not be in class because of heavy nights of drinking. On campuses across our country, drinking alcohol is “cool,” and active and prodigious drinking is nearly a right of entry. It is part of the deal. College students spend 5.5 billion dollars a year on alcohol — and that doesn’t include what teenagers spend.

With all that money spent by college students on alcohol, is it any wonder that 90% of student crime on college campuses is tied either directly or indirectly to alcohol. Also, rape, date rape, fights, assaults, accidents, falling off balconies, drowning, and car accidents are most often attributable to victims or perpetrators being under the influence of alcohol.

College is not an exception, rather, it accurately mirrors what happens throughout our society. Alcohol is everyone’s favorite drug, and because of that, it causes more harm than either heroin or marijuana. Fights, arguments, money troubles, family upsets, spur-of-the-moment casual sex are often tied to alcohol use just as automobile crashes, recreational accidents, on-the-job accidents, and the likelihood of homicide and suicide.

Harm also is health related. Not only does heavy drinking increase the risk of cancer of the liver, esophagus, throat, and larynx, also it can cause liver cirrhosis, immune system problems, brain damage, and injury to the fetus during pregnancy.

All of these instances of alcohol overuse are widespread, common, and well known. It goes without saying, of course, that much alcohol is consumed as a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. But with alcoholism and alcohol abuse costing our nation over $150 billion a year, you would think citizens would complain loudly about the way it is glamorized and promoted as the “cool” thing to do.

The health hazards are known, fatalities counted, and the destructive consequences often noted. But alcohol is not only available, it is heavily advertised, and widely promoted. Outraged citizens could demand more advertisements, commercials, and public service messages that emphasize healthy and safe alcohol-free activities and lifestyles. But they won’t, and they don’t.

An argument could be made for freedom. That is, that everyone has the right to consume whatever they want wherever they want. After all, this is a free society. It certainly comes as no surprise that our society is at the state we are considering the widespread overuse and abuse of alcohol. Look, for example, how the use of alcohol has effectively socialized our citizens.

Beer advertisements and commercials on television may be the front line of promotion. Some of the most memorable, funny, and best commercials on television are those associated with drinking beer. Madison avenue has taken every desirable aspect of life and tied it to beer: close and loving relationships, bonding with your friends, great sex, having attractive girlfriends and boyfriends, a glamorous lifestyle, good health, rugged outdoor lives, sports and athletics, and cool cars. The liquor industry spends billions of dollars each year to lasso young viewers.

Closely associated with these advertisements and commercials, of course, are the professional athletes and movie stars who, by their actions and advertisements, reinforce how “cool” it is to drink.

A second level of promotion may operate on a less obvious base of influence. Look at where alcoholic beverages are regularly served. First, there are the thousands of bars and taverns. It might not be so bad if it stopped there, but look, second, at the restaurants, night clubs, sporting events, festivals, state fairs, hotels, casinos, carnivals, and cruise ships. Third, to this list add the grocery stores, liquor stores, beverage stores, 7/11 stores, and state stores where bottles, cans, and cases can be purchased. Because alcohol is an adult drug permitted in our society, youth and students think that makes it okay to drink — and drink as soon as possible.

A third level of socialization, and one even more subtle than the previous areas of influence, are the religious rituals, cultural traditions, special events, and holidays associated with drinking alcohol. You can even add the alcohol added to food designed to enhance its flavor. On this level, socialization is clearly understated, and because of how subdued, it could be argued that its influence is enhanced.

Alcohol is deeply ingrained in our society. When people are surrounded with it — bombarded with advertisements and commercials, impacted by events, traditions, and holidays, and exposed to people drinking in every social situation — is it any wonder that its acceptability is part of their socialization process? Is it any wonder that people feel they need to drink alcohol to fit in? Is it any wonder that drinking alcohol is part and parcel of membership in this society?

Under these conditions, is it any wonder that the youth of our nation — including college students, I might add (the primary target of advertising is 16 - 25 year old young men) — do not see anything destructive, unhealthy, or fatal in the use, overuse, or abuse of alcohol? And why would they? They, too, are victims of subliminal programming that is both blatant and sophisticated.

Why is it that the citizens of this nation allow the alcohol industry to subliminally program our young people? Why is the industry allowed to advertise to our children? It all comes down to money, of course. Greed! The alcohol industry, just like the National Rifle Association, is rich and powerful, and they do not want anyone interfering with them. Legislators in Washington accept alcohol industry money, and with politicians in their pocket, they have the control and leverage they want. As long as you believe that alcohol is doing something positive for all of us, that alcohol is the solution to awkward, uncomfortable feelings, and that alcohol is the lubricant that oils the machinery of social interactions, the alcohol industry has you exactly where they want you.

The following verse, written anonymously, reveals the power of this “innocent” social refreshment:
I am more powerful than the combined armies of the world;
I have destroyed more men than all the wars of all the nations;
I have caused millions of accidents and wrecked more homes than all the floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes put together.
I am the worlds’ slickest thief.
I steal billions of dollars each year;
I find my victims among the rich and poor alike, I am relentless, insidious, unpredictable;
I bring sickness, poverty, and death;
I give nothing and take all;
I am your worst enemy;
I am alcohol.
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“Most of the successful alcohol rehab and drug rehab programs are based on the proven Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program, along with other cognitive and experiential therapies. Here at Cirque Lodge, we combine the best of both the cognitive and experiential therapies, including our world-famous equine therapy program and outdoor mountain therapy sessions.” This is from the Cirque Lodge website (http://www.cirquelodge.com/AlcoholRehab/AlcoholProblem.php) and the essay there is labeled “Alcohol Problem.”

There is a great, short, essay, “Historical Overview,” on the entire history of alcohol in our society, at the “Wisconsin Clearinghouse for Prevention Resources” (http://wch.uhs.wisc.edu/01-Prevention/01-Prev-Historical.html) that is interesting and worthwhile.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II

Thursday, March 13, 2008

And Then Some News

Monday, March 17, 2008 is St. Patrick’s Day, and And Then Some is using the Saturday Essay to talk about one aspect of celebrations of that Day. “Celebrations” according to Wikipedia, “are generally themed around the color green and all things Irish; both Christians and non-Christians celebrate the secular version of the holiday by wearing green or orange, eating Irish food and/or green foods, imbibing Irish drink (usually Guinness), and attending parades.” Imbibing, of course, is not limited to Guinness, but includes anything that includes alcohol — and that is the focus of Saturday’s Essay, “We Get What We Deserve When It Comes to Alcohol Overuse and Abuse.”

Share your And Then Some Story about alcohol. Have you experienced the overuse or abuse of alcohol, and do you feel comfortable sharing your story? Do you have any personal experiences that reveal that we do indeed get what we deserve when it comes to alcohol overuse and abuse? See the specifics about sharing your And Then Some Story in the section that follows the excerpt below.


Saturday Essay - March 15, 2008
We Get What We Deserve When It Comes to Alcohol Overuse and Abuse
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:

College is not an exception, rather, it accurately mirrors what happens throughout our society. Alcohol is everyone’s favorite drug, and because of that, it causes more harm than either heroin or marijuana. Fights, arguments, money troubles, family upsets, spur-of-the-moment casual sex are often tied to alcohol use just as automobile crashes, recreational accidents, on-the-job accidents, and the likelihood of homicide and suicide.
-------------------------

Share your 'And Then Some Story'

And Then Some Publishing wants to hear your story. An important part of the And Then Some philosophy revolves around you and how you interpret the concepts and ideas. Saturday Essays on our blog and our book of essays are just guidelines to and our impressions of the And Then Some philosophy; they are not hard and fast rules or concepts embedded in cement. Every individual interprets life differently just as everyone interprets And Then Some just a little differently. In the end, everyone has the same goal, however...And Then Some --- Give more, Get more, Want more from life!

We are compiling your stories for a special And Then Some book built from your experiences. Also, some stories will be chosen to be posted on our blog.


The only way this feature can work is if you, the believer in And Then Some... submits a story. We're starting from ground zero and we need your stories!

Please... Submit and share your story... please. Be the first And Then Some Fan Story to be featured on our blog!

Click here to submit and share your And Then Some story!

And Then Some - C U Saturday!!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear

by Richard L. Weaver II

Having already written on the topic, “The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear,” in this essay I want to support an equally important, essential message aimed at women if they want relationship success: the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.

Before diving into the deep end of the pool, here, let me offer several caveats to what I am about to say. First, my thoughts do not apply to everyone (maybe no one!). Everyone is different, and within a relationship, often the combined effect of two partners results in a third “entity” that is unlikely to represent either partner fully and completely. That is, because of the effect of each partner on the other, there evolves a “third partner” unique and separate unto itself that differs in most respects from the individual, traditional characteristics of males and females. Second, my thoughts are reflections of what I think takes place and should neither license nor sanction the behaviors discussed. Third, if my thoughts — accurate or not — stimulate discussion within relationships, they have served a purpose. Discussion of issues such as these is healthy.

The first and most essential ingredient that should guide you if your goal is a long-term, indestructible, and successful relationship is that (just as men), you must reveal respect for, trust in, and support for your relationship partner. Without respect, trust, and support the other elements fade into meaninglessness.

The second essential ingredient is to understand and successfully deal with the fact that you are the relationship specialist. Along with that fact, however, there are other related and important roles. For example, you are responsible for building, maintaining, and strengthening your relationship. This includes, of course, taking the responsibility for talking (even initiating talk), nurturing, empathizing, supporting, and emotional expressing.

The third essential ingredient is to understand and deal with the fact that you and your relationship partner neither think nor communicate in the same way. It does not, and it will not happen — nor can you make it happen. For example, your expertise in “rapport talk” means you prefer communication that builds, maintains, and strengthens relationships. It is reflected in those skills discussed above: talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support.

Men’s expertise in “report talk,” on the other hand, means they prefer types of communication that emphasize the analysis of issues and solving problems. They are skilled in being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.

What is important to understand with respect to this third ingredient, is what it means to the thinking and communicating of men. These differences between “rapport talk” and “report talk” results, for men, in different ways to tackle problems, frame ideas, undertake projects, launch discussions (if this is done), embark on new adventures, solve puzzles, answer questions, take on trouble, overcome hurdles, and deal with misfortunes. The point is, it dictates their entire approach to life.

A related aspect of the difference between “rapport talk” and “report talk” is that when there are misunderstandings, it is easy for you to believe that the other’s motives are unreasonable, mean spirited, or worse. Because in disagreements you take every comment or difference of opinion personally, often you will bring up past arguments to try to level the playing field. The fact is that the misunderstanding very likely has little to do with you. The misunderstanding, more than likely, is ego driven. That is, it is a result of his personal needs and desires. It is because he is not getting his way. It is because he doesn’t want to talk. It is because he has already thought of a solution for the misunderstanding if you will only give him a chance to state it and solve the misunderstanding. The sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns.

The fourth essential ingredient is that you must steel yourself for the brunt of the lack of sympathy you are likely to get from your partner. No matter how much you crave it, sympathy is a very uncommon male expression. Likewise, when your feelings are hurt or conflicts arise, it will be up to you (not him) to try to soothe the hurt feelings or resolve (or overlook) the conflict. Ironic isn’t it? When your feelings are hurt the only sympathy you will get will be from yourself!

The fifth ingredient is to accept the fact that men do not like to talk. Bullying or pushing them into talking is likely to make them angry and result in a fight. And talking about the relationship, his attraction to other women, what happened in past relationships, preference for friends over you, or asking him to express his feelings are (for him) extreme, radical, and high-risk forms of talk. As far as men are concerned, not talking is a sign of trust and intimacy. The only time that talk may be appropriate, as far as men are concerned (and it was referred to previously) is telling you what you should do to solve a problem or resolve an issue. Talk in such situations is short and to the point because, as noted before, the sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns

The sixth ingredient is to accept the fact that men show their affection not by expressions of love (like you would prefer) but by doing things (like taking out the garbage or having sex).

The seventh ingredient is not to think of your relationship as one of partners thinking alike and sharing. Think of it, instead, only as a partnership in which both of you exist within the same environment but maintain parallel lives. Rather than interdependence (mutual dependence) and cooperation as you would prefer, accept independence and competition. When convergence and overlap occurs within the relationship, enjoy it for what it is. Recognize that happiness for men is more likely to result from independence — not in sharing, cooperation, and joint action.

There is no sure-fire method for dealing with all of these ingredients. If you work hard at maintaining closeness, forgive your partner whenever necessary, maintain self-respect and self-esteem, cooperate at every opportunity, stay open to spontaneity, maintain your energy by staying healthy, keep relationship details to yourself, encourage dialog and communication whenever possible by taking an interest in what your partner does, give him space, friends, and activities to offer a respite from the responsibilities of work, home, and family, apologize, apologize, and apologize, work together through the hard times, and realize that love ebbs and flows and depends on how you treat each other, it is more likely that happiness, success, and relationship longevity will occur. Just remember that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
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On the WebMD website http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/16/1689_52782.htm Liza Jane Maltin, in an essay entitled “The Secret to Relationship Success,” reports some "surprising findings" that "challenge the prevailing view that marital companionship promotes marital satisfaction." The final paragraph to her essay is: "We found that the association between companionship and satisfaction is less robust than previously believed, and that it depends on how often spouses pursue activities that reflect their own and their partner's leisure preferences.”

At the website ScholarWorks@UMassAmherst http://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations/AAI9988802/ there is an abstract of a dissertation entitled, “Popular belief in gender-based communication differences and relationship success,” by
Ann Michelle Johnson, University of Massachusetts Amherst, 2000, which discusses many of the misconceptions in gender-based communication. I have not read the dissertation, but Johnson’s conclusion to the abstract, “I conclude that the resonance of these differences is linked to the undeniable importance of communication in relationships coupled with the heterosexist bias of self-help literature and television representations of relationships,” suggests it would be terrific.

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Contact Richard L. Weaver II

Thursday, March 6, 2008

And Then Some News

This coming Saturday’s essay is a direct response to our many blog readers who felt that an essay corresponding to the one last Saturday, “The message men don’t want to hear,” would not just be helpful but would be appreciated as well. I spent time thinking about it, I sought ideas from others; and I searched the web for additional insights and information. I have put together a second essay that is essential to building strong, enduring, happy relationships. The essay is entitled, “The message women don’t want to hear.” Taken together, these two essays offer a template for relationship partners to discuss gender behavior and what would be most appropriate for their specific, personal, and important relationship growth, development, and change.

Share your And Then Some Story about healthy (or destructive) relationships. What specific gender-based behavior have you experienced in your relationship(s)? Has the behavior you have experienced contributed to or extracted from a successful, happy, and enduring relationship? For you personally, what rewards or benefits have you experienced from understanding gender-based thinking and communication? See the specifics about sharing your And Then Some Story in the section that follows the excerpt below.


Saturday Essay - March 8, 2008
The Message Women Don't Want to Hear
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:

Before diving into the deep end of the pool, here, let me offer several caveats to what I am about to say. First, my thoughts do not apply to everyone (maybe no one!). Everyone is different, and within a relationship, often the combined effect of two partners results in a third “entity” that is unlikely to represent either partner fully and completely. That is, because of the effect of each partner on the other, there evolves a “third partner” unique and separate unto itself that differs in most respects from the individual, traditional characteristics of males and females. Second, my thoughts are reflections of what I think takes place and should neither license nor sanction the behaviors discussed. Third, if my thoughts — accurate or not — stimulate discussion within relationships, they have served a purpose. Discussion of issues such as these is healthy.
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Share your 'And Then Some Story'

And Then Some Publishing wants to hear your story. An important part of the And Then Some philosophy revolves around you and how you interpret the concepts and ideas. Saturday Essays on our blog and our book of essays are just guidelines to and our impressions of the And Then Some philosophy; they are not hard and fast rules or concepts embedded in cement. Every individual interprets life differently just as everyone interprets And Then Some just a little differently. In the end, everyone has the same goal, however...And Then Some --- Give more, Get more, Want more from life!

We are compiling your stories for a special And Then Some book built from your experiences. Also, some stories will be chosen to be posted on our blog.


The only way this feature can work is if you, the believer in And Then Some... submits a story. We're starting from ground zero and we need your stories!

Please... Submit and share your story... please. Be the first And Then Some Fan Story to be featured on our blog!

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And Then Some - C U Saturday!!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear

by Richard L. Weaver II

YOU are responsible for whether your relationship is successful or not. If you want an effective, long-term, highly satisfying, mutually rewarding, fully functional relationship, it is up to you — men! The burden of responsibility is squarely on your shoulders. You may wonder how I can be that bold, brazen, impertinent, blatant, and shameless. The reason is simple: if you examine each of the essential elements of good relationships (elements I have written about and discussed for over thirty years), each element is one on which women surpass men in both their understanding and demonstration. Even more than that, women are hardwired to excel on each element — hardwired to excel on each of the essential elements of good relationships.

Let me deal with the first three of the elements, group the other five, and then discuss how men need to change. The first element is verbal skills, and in this area, females begin talking earlier than males, score ahead of males in reading and writing, and recognize the emotional overtones in others and in language. Verbal skills are important in relationships for partners to conduct ongoing conversations, engage in dialogue, and assess the relationship itself. It is the means for searching with a relationship partner for ways to reduce conflict, discuss expectations that partners have of each other, and explore all the unexpected, unforeseen, unanticipated, and surprising events likely to impinge on the relationship.

The second element is emotional expressiveness. It may be that females’ verbal skills are responsible for their superior emotional expressiveness, but, as noted above, they are superior to males in recognizing the emotional overtones in others and in language. With better verbal skills, women become more experienced at articulating their feelings, using words to explore and substitute for emotional reactions, rather than having physical fights, and inviting others into conversations. Achieving emotional expressiveness is important to discussing points of conflict and dealing effectively with conflict is essential if relationships are to be successful.

The third element is conversational focus which concerns what you choose to talk about in relationships. When men talk, they give information about things: business, sports, and food. They don’t talk about people, and they like to compete. When it comes to conversational focus, the scale is deeply tilted in favor of women because they talk to get information and to connect. Rather than focusing on things, they talk about people, and when they talk they share their feelings and details. They are relationship oriented and cooperate. These differences alone are enough to create conflict.

As if summarizing some of the evidence offered thus far, the “father” of sociobiology, Edward O. Wilson of Harvard University, said that females tend to be higher than males in empathy, verbal skills, and social skills. In contrast, men are higher in independence, dominance, mathematical skills, and aggression.

With the results clear on these first three elements and the evidence, thus far, so clearly in favor of women on the essentials, it is easy to see, in advance, the results on the other elements — nonverbal analysis (the ability to read between the lines), conversational encouragement (willingness to listen and show interest), care and appreciation (expressing it verbally, giving compliments, and engaging in self-disclosure), commitment (willingness to take responsibility for the problems that occur in the relationship), and adaptation (the time and effort dedicated to supporting, encouraging, and nurturing relationships). In every case, women do not just have an edge, they have a distinct and overwhelming superiority.

Men can point the finger at others, hold them responsible, blame, condemn or find fault with them, but, in the end, they are the ones. They are responsible. It is what they do or don’t do, what they feel or don’t feel, and how they choose to communicate or not that makes the difference in relationships. They can say, “Well that’s just the way I am, deal!” or “I’m a male, what more do I need to say?” or “You knew what I was like when you married me, why did you marry me?”

The essential point is this: if men want a relationship of which they can be proud, one that will last for their lifetime, and one that can bring them joy, happiness, and great pleasure, they will have to make changes. Major changes. The first change must be that men treat women with respect. There must be no degrading comments, public put-downs, or treating the woman as an unequal subordinate. Men and women in relationships are equal partners and must show equal respect.

The second change is that men, in all cases, must support their relationship partner. This does not mean they have to agree with them, but they have to honor their partner’s right to hold opinions and ideas different from their own. Disagreeing with a partner’s ideas, even in public, does not reveal a lack of support; however, not allowing a partner to act on beliefs that may differ from their own is not supportive and wrong.

The third change is that men must trust females. Without trust, there is no love. The only road to lifetime companionship that will yield security, stability, and peace, is down the road of trust.

The fourth change is the need for privacy. What is said and done between relationship partners must always remain private between partners unless each gives permission to disclose.

The fifth change is to allow disagreement without being destructive. Arguments, even heated ones, occur between people who both love and like each other. Arguments are no place for name calling, hurtful accusations, and dwelling on past wounds. Disagreements must be constructive — discussing current issues and how things can be changed.

The seventh change is to take an interest in your relationship partner’s life. Ask about her health, interests, recreational activities, and work — then listen like you really care.

The eighth change is to communicate in an open, non-evasive, and honest way.

The ninth change is that men must allow their partners their own space — space that should never be invaded. Partners must be free to spend time with others outside the relationship, and they must have privacy in their correspondence, phone calls, text messaging, and e-mails.

Although this is a message men do not want to hear, it is a message essential to the establishment of permanent, productive, effective, rewarding, and pleasurable relationships.
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From the website “Medical News Today,” (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/97325. php), there is an excellent article entitled, "Women More Perceptive Than Men In Describing Relationships.” The date of the article is February 14, 2008.

See the website “The Art of Intimacy” (http://theartofintimacy.blogspot.com/2007/03/four-horseman-of-apocalypse-john.html) and the essay there entitled, “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research,” posted 03-14-07 by Jennifer, and the discussion of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II