by Richard L. Weaver II YOU are responsible for whether your relationship is successful or not. If you want an effective, long-term, highly satisfying, mutually rewarding, fully functional relationship, it is up to you — men! The burden of responsibility is squarely on your shoulders. You may wonder how I can be that bold, brazen, impertinent, blatant, and shameless. The reason is simple: if you examine each of the essential elements of good relationships (elements I have written about and discussed for over thirty years), each element is one on which women surpass men in both their understanding and demonstration. Even more than that, women are hardwired to excel on each element — hardwired to excel on each of the essential elements of good relationships.
Let me deal with the first three of the elements, group the other five, and then discuss how men need to change. The first element is verbal skills, and in this area, females begin talking earlier than males, score ahead of males in reading and writing, and recognize the emotional overtones in others and in language. Verbal skills are important in relationships for partners to conduct ongoing conversations, engage in dialogue, and assess the relationship itself. It is the means for searching with a relationship partner for ways to reduce conflict, discuss expectations that partners have of each other, and explore all the unexpected, unforeseen, unanticipated, and surprising events likely to impinge on the relationship.
The second element is emotional expressiveness. It may be that females’ verbal skills are responsible for their superior emotional expressiveness, but, as noted above, they are superior to males in recognizing the emotional overtones in others and in language. With better verbal skills, women become more experienced at articulating their feelings, using words to explore and substitute for emotional reactions, rather than having physical fights, and inviting others into conversations. Achieving emotional expressiveness is important to discussing points of conflict and dealing effectively with conflict is essential if relationships are to be successful.
The third element is conversational focus which concerns what you choose to talk about in relationships. When men talk, they give information about things: business, sports, and food. They don’t talk about people, and they like to compete. When it comes to conversational focus, the scale is deeply tilted in favor of women because they talk to get information and to connect. Rather than focusing on things, they talk about people, and when they talk they share their feelings and details. They are relationship oriented and cooperate. These differences alone are enough to create conflict.
As if summarizing some of the evidence offered thus far, the “father” of sociobiology, Edward O. Wilson of Harvard University, said that females tend to be higher than males in empathy, verbal skills, and social skills. In contrast, men are higher in independence, dominance, mathematical skills, and aggression.
With the results clear on these first three elements and the evidence, thus far, so clearly in favor of women on the essentials, it is easy to see, in advance, the results on the other elements — nonverbal analysis (the ability to read between the lines), conversational encouragement (willingness to listen and show interest), care and appreciation (expressing it verbally, giving compliments, and engaging in self-disclosure), commitment (willingness to take responsibility for the problems that occur in the relationship), and adaptation (the time and effort dedicated to supporting, encouraging, and nurturing relationships). In every case, women do not just have an edge, they have a distinct and overwhelming superiority.
Men can point the finger at others, hold them responsible, blame, condemn or find fault with them, but, in the end, they are the ones. They are responsible. It is what they do or don’t do, what they feel or don’t feel, and how they choose to communicate or not that makes the difference in relationships. They can say, “Well that’s just the way I am, deal!” or “I’m a male, what more do I need to say?” or “You knew what I was like when you married me, why did you marry me?”
The essential point is this: if men want a relationship of which they can be proud, one that will last for their lifetime, and one that can bring them joy, happiness, and great pleasure, they will have to make changes. Major changes. The first change must be that men treat women with respect. There must be no degrading comments, public put-downs, or treating the woman as an unequal subordinate. Men and women in relationships are equal partners and must show equal respect.
The second change is that men, in all cases, must support their relationship partner. This does not mean they have to agree with them, but they have to honor their partner’s right to hold opinions and ideas different from their own. Disagreeing with a partner’s ideas, even in public, does not reveal a lack of support; however, not allowing a partner to act on beliefs that may differ from their own is not supportive and wrong.
The third change is that men must trust females. Without trust, there is no love. The only road to lifetime companionship that will yield security, stability, and peace, is down the road of trust.
The fourth change is the need for privacy. What is said and done between relationship partners must always remain private between partners unless each gives permission to disclose.
The fifth change is to allow disagreement without being destructive. Arguments, even heated ones, occur between people who both love and like each other. Arguments are no place for name calling, hurtful accusations, and dwelling on past wounds. Disagreements must be constructive — discussing current issues and how things can be changed.
The seventh change is to take an interest in your relationship partner’s life. Ask about her health, interests, recreational activities, and work — then listen like you really care.
The eighth change is to communicate in an open, non-evasive, and honest way.
The ninth change is that men must allow their partners their own space — space that should never be invaded. Partners must be free to spend time with others outside the relationship, and they must have privacy in their correspondence, phone calls, text messaging, and e-mails.
Although this is a message men do not want to hear, it is a message essential to the establishment of permanent, productive, effective, rewarding, and pleasurable relationships.
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From the website “Medical News Today,” (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/97325. php), there is an excellent article entitled, "Women More Perceptive Than Men In Describing Relationships.” The date of the article is February 14, 2008.
See the website “The Art of Intimacy” (http://theartofintimacy.blogspot.com/2007/03/four-horseman-of-apocalypse-john.html) and the essay there entitled, “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research,” posted 03-14-07 by Jennifer, and the discussion of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
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Let me deal with the first three of the elements, group the other five, and then discuss how men need to change. The first element is verbal skills, and in this area, females begin talking earlier than males, score ahead of males in reading and writing, and recognize the emotional overtones in others and in language. Verbal skills are important in relationships for partners to conduct ongoing conversations, engage in dialogue, and assess the relationship itself. It is the means for searching with a relationship partner for ways to reduce conflict, discuss expectations that partners have of each other, and explore all the unexpected, unforeseen, unanticipated, and surprising events likely to impinge on the relationship.
The second element is emotional expressiveness. It may be that females’ verbal skills are responsible for their superior emotional expressiveness, but, as noted above, they are superior to males in recognizing the emotional overtones in others and in language. With better verbal skills, women become more experienced at articulating their feelings, using words to explore and substitute for emotional reactions, rather than having physical fights, and inviting others into conversations. Achieving emotional expressiveness is important to discussing points of conflict and dealing effectively with conflict is essential if relationships are to be successful.
The third element is conversational focus which concerns what you choose to talk about in relationships. When men talk, they give information about things: business, sports, and food. They don’t talk about people, and they like to compete. When it comes to conversational focus, the scale is deeply tilted in favor of women because they talk to get information and to connect. Rather than focusing on things, they talk about people, and when they talk they share their feelings and details. They are relationship oriented and cooperate. These differences alone are enough to create conflict.
As if summarizing some of the evidence offered thus far, the “father” of sociobiology, Edward O. Wilson of Harvard University, said that females tend to be higher than males in empathy, verbal skills, and social skills. In contrast, men are higher in independence, dominance, mathematical skills, and aggression.
With the results clear on these first three elements and the evidence, thus far, so clearly in favor of women on the essentials, it is easy to see, in advance, the results on the other elements — nonverbal analysis (the ability to read between the lines), conversational encouragement (willingness to listen and show interest), care and appreciation (expressing it verbally, giving compliments, and engaging in self-disclosure), commitment (willingness to take responsibility for the problems that occur in the relationship), and adaptation (the time and effort dedicated to supporting, encouraging, and nurturing relationships). In every case, women do not just have an edge, they have a distinct and overwhelming superiority.
Men can point the finger at others, hold them responsible, blame, condemn or find fault with them, but, in the end, they are the ones. They are responsible. It is what they do or don’t do, what they feel or don’t feel, and how they choose to communicate or not that makes the difference in relationships. They can say, “Well that’s just the way I am, deal!” or “I’m a male, what more do I need to say?” or “You knew what I was like when you married me, why did you marry me?”
The essential point is this: if men want a relationship of which they can be proud, one that will last for their lifetime, and one that can bring them joy, happiness, and great pleasure, they will have to make changes. Major changes. The first change must be that men treat women with respect. There must be no degrading comments, public put-downs, or treating the woman as an unequal subordinate. Men and women in relationships are equal partners and must show equal respect.
The second change is that men, in all cases, must support their relationship partner. This does not mean they have to agree with them, but they have to honor their partner’s right to hold opinions and ideas different from their own. Disagreeing with a partner’s ideas, even in public, does not reveal a lack of support; however, not allowing a partner to act on beliefs that may differ from their own is not supportive and wrong.
The third change is that men must trust females. Without trust, there is no love. The only road to lifetime companionship that will yield security, stability, and peace, is down the road of trust.
The fourth change is the need for privacy. What is said and done between relationship partners must always remain private between partners unless each gives permission to disclose.
The fifth change is to allow disagreement without being destructive. Arguments, even heated ones, occur between people who both love and like each other. Arguments are no place for name calling, hurtful accusations, and dwelling on past wounds. Disagreements must be constructive — discussing current issues and how things can be changed.
The seventh change is to take an interest in your relationship partner’s life. Ask about her health, interests, recreational activities, and work — then listen like you really care.
The eighth change is to communicate in an open, non-evasive, and honest way.
The ninth change is that men must allow their partners their own space — space that should never be invaded. Partners must be free to spend time with others outside the relationship, and they must have privacy in their correspondence, phone calls, text messaging, and e-mails.
Although this is a message men do not want to hear, it is a message essential to the establishment of permanent, productive, effective, rewarding, and pleasurable relationships.
______________________________________________________________________________
From the website “Medical News Today,” (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/97325. php), there is an excellent article entitled, "Women More Perceptive Than Men In Describing Relationships.” The date of the article is February 14, 2008.
See the website “The Art of Intimacy” (http://theartofintimacy.blogspot.com/2007/03/four-horseman-of-apocalypse-john.html) and the essay there entitled, “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research,” posted 03-14-07 by Jennifer, and the discussion of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II
I didn't want to hear this.
ReplyDeleteOh, wait. That's right. I'm a man. Guess I better read it again!
Full Title: "The Message Men Don't Want to Hear and Don't Want Women to Read So Men, Please Keep it To Yourselves."
ReplyDeleteMax, Max, Max! Thank you for writing, and I really think we should leave it up to your wife (you have a wife, don't you?) to determine whether or not you NEEDED to hear it. I have a sneaking suspicion the answer might be "yes" --- perhaps even a very strong "YES!" If you even suppose (reckon, gauge, calculate, predict, speculate, conjecture, or surmise) that this might be so, I would suggest that you not just read it again, but put the ideas into practice. It isn't just you and your relationship that will benefit, but your marriage partner (you are married aren't you? Still?) will really be the ultimate benefactor.
ReplyDelete