by Richard L. Weaver IIHaving already written on the topic, “The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear,” in this essay I want to support an equally important, essential message aimed at women if they want relationship success: the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
Before diving into the deep end of the pool, here, let me offer several caveats to what I am about to say. First, my thoughts do not apply to everyone (maybe no one!). Everyone is different, and within a relationship, often the combined effect of two partners results in a third “entity” that is unlikely to represent either partner fully and completely. That is, because of the effect of each partner on the other, there evolves a “third partner” unique and separate unto itself that differs in most respects from the individual, traditional characteristics of males and females. Second, my thoughts are reflections of what I think takes place and should neither license nor sanction the behaviors discussed. Third, if my thoughts — accurate or not — stimulate discussion within relationships, they have served a purpose. Discussion of issues such as these is healthy.
The first and most essential ingredient that should guide you if your goal is a long-term, indestructible, and successful relationship is that (just as men), you must reveal respect for, trust in, and support for your relationship partner. Without respect, trust, and support the other elements fade into meaninglessness.
The second essential ingredient is to understand and successfully deal with the fact that you are the relationship specialist. Along with that fact, however, there are other related and important roles. For example, you are responsible for building, maintaining, and strengthening your relationship. This includes, of course, taking the responsibility for talking (even initiating talk), nurturing, empathizing, supporting, and emotional expressing.
The third essential ingredient is to understand and deal with the fact that you and your relationship partner neither think nor communicate in the same way. It does not, and it will not happen — nor can you make it happen. For example, your expertise in “rapport talk” means you prefer communication that builds, maintains, and strengthens relationships. It is reflected in those skills discussed above: talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support.
Men’s expertise in “report talk,” on the other hand, means they prefer types of communication that emphasize the analysis of issues and solving problems. They are skilled in being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
What is important to understand with respect to this third ingredient, is what it means to the thinking and communicating of men. These differences between “rapport talk” and “report talk” results, for men, in different ways to tackle problems, frame ideas, undertake projects, launch discussions (if this is done), embark on new adventures, solve puzzles, answer questions, take on trouble, overcome hurdles, and deal with misfortunes. The point is, it dictates their entire approach to life.
A related aspect of the difference between “rapport talk” and “report talk” is that when there are misunderstandings, it is easy for you to believe that the other’s motives are unreasonable, mean spirited, or worse. Because in disagreements you take every comment or difference of opinion personally, often you will bring up past arguments to try to level the playing field. The fact is that the misunderstanding very likely has little to do with you. The misunderstanding, more than likely, is ego driven. That is, it is a result of his personal needs and desires. It is because he is not getting his way. It is because he doesn’t want to talk. It is because he has already thought of a solution for the misunderstanding if you will only give him a chance to state it and solve the misunderstanding. The sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns.
The fourth essential ingredient is that you must steel yourself for the brunt of the lack of sympathy you are likely to get from your partner. No matter how much you crave it, sympathy is a very uncommon male expression. Likewise, when your feelings are hurt or conflicts arise, it will be up to you (not him) to try to soothe the hurt feelings or resolve (or overlook) the conflict. Ironic isn’t it? When your feelings are hurt the only sympathy you will get will be from yourself!
The fifth ingredient is to accept the fact that men do not like to talk. Bullying or pushing them into talking is likely to make them angry and result in a fight. And talking about the relationship, his attraction to other women, what happened in past relationships, preference for friends over you, or asking him to express his feelings are (for him) extreme, radical, and high-risk forms of talk. As far as men are concerned, not talking is a sign of trust and intimacy. The only time that talk may be appropriate, as far as men are concerned (and it was referred to previously) is telling you what you should do to solve a problem or resolve an issue. Talk in such situations is short and to the point because, as noted before, the sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns
The sixth ingredient is to accept the fact that men show their affection not by expressions of love (like you would prefer) but by doing things (like taking out the garbage or having sex).
The seventh ingredient is not to think of your relationship as one of partners thinking alike and sharing. Think of it, instead, only as a partnership in which both of you exist within the same environment but maintain parallel lives. Rather than interdependence (mutual dependence) and cooperation as you would prefer, accept independence and competition. When convergence and overlap occurs within the relationship, enjoy it for what it is. Recognize that happiness for men is more likely to result from independence — not in sharing, cooperation, and joint action.
There is no sure-fire method for dealing with all of these ingredients. If you work hard at maintaining closeness, forgive your partner whenever necessary, maintain self-respect and self-esteem, cooperate at every opportunity, stay open to spontaneity, maintain your energy by staying healthy, keep relationship details to yourself, encourage dialog and communication whenever possible by taking an interest in what your partner does, give him space, friends, and activities to offer a respite from the responsibilities of work, home, and family, apologize, apologize, and apologize, work together through the hard times, and realize that love ebbs and flows and depends on how you treat each other, it is more likely that happiness, success, and relationship longevity will occur. Just remember that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
______________________________________________________________________________
On the WebMD website http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/16/1689_52782.htm Liza Jane Maltin, in an essay entitled “The Secret to Relationship Success,” reports some "surprising findings" that "challenge the prevailing view that marital companionship promotes marital satisfaction." The final paragraph to her essay is: "We found that the association between companionship and satisfaction is less robust than previously believed, and that it depends on how often spouses pursue activities that reflect their own and their partner's leisure preferences.”
At the website ScholarWorks@UMassAmherst http://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations/AAI9988802/ there is an abstract of a dissertation entitled, “Popular belief in gender-based communication differences and relationship success,” by
Ann Michelle Johnson, University of Massachusetts Amherst, 2000, which discusses many of the misconceptions in gender-based communication. I have not read the dissertation, but Johnson’s conclusion to the abstract, “I conclude that the resonance of these differences is linked to the undeniable importance of communication in relationships coupled with the heterosexist bias of self-help literature and television representations of relationships,” suggests it would be terrific.
______________________________________________________________________________
Before diving into the deep end of the pool, here, let me offer several caveats to what I am about to say. First, my thoughts do not apply to everyone (maybe no one!). Everyone is different, and within a relationship, often the combined effect of two partners results in a third “entity” that is unlikely to represent either partner fully and completely. That is, because of the effect of each partner on the other, there evolves a “third partner” unique and separate unto itself that differs in most respects from the individual, traditional characteristics of males and females. Second, my thoughts are reflections of what I think takes place and should neither license nor sanction the behaviors discussed. Third, if my thoughts — accurate or not — stimulate discussion within relationships, they have served a purpose. Discussion of issues such as these is healthy.
The first and most essential ingredient that should guide you if your goal is a long-term, indestructible, and successful relationship is that (just as men), you must reveal respect for, trust in, and support for your relationship partner. Without respect, trust, and support the other elements fade into meaninglessness.
The second essential ingredient is to understand and successfully deal with the fact that you are the relationship specialist. Along with that fact, however, there are other related and important roles. For example, you are responsible for building, maintaining, and strengthening your relationship. This includes, of course, taking the responsibility for talking (even initiating talk), nurturing, empathizing, supporting, and emotional expressing.
The third essential ingredient is to understand and deal with the fact that you and your relationship partner neither think nor communicate in the same way. It does not, and it will not happen — nor can you make it happen. For example, your expertise in “rapport talk” means you prefer communication that builds, maintains, and strengthens relationships. It is reflected in those skills discussed above: talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support.
Men’s expertise in “report talk,” on the other hand, means they prefer types of communication that emphasize the analysis of issues and solving problems. They are skilled in being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
What is important to understand with respect to this third ingredient, is what it means to the thinking and communicating of men. These differences between “rapport talk” and “report talk” results, for men, in different ways to tackle problems, frame ideas, undertake projects, launch discussions (if this is done), embark on new adventures, solve puzzles, answer questions, take on trouble, overcome hurdles, and deal with misfortunes. The point is, it dictates their entire approach to life.
A related aspect of the difference between “rapport talk” and “report talk” is that when there are misunderstandings, it is easy for you to believe that the other’s motives are unreasonable, mean spirited, or worse. Because in disagreements you take every comment or difference of opinion personally, often you will bring up past arguments to try to level the playing field. The fact is that the misunderstanding very likely has little to do with you. The misunderstanding, more than likely, is ego driven. That is, it is a result of his personal needs and desires. It is because he is not getting his way. It is because he doesn’t want to talk. It is because he has already thought of a solution for the misunderstanding if you will only give him a chance to state it and solve the misunderstanding. The sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns.
The fourth essential ingredient is that you must steel yourself for the brunt of the lack of sympathy you are likely to get from your partner. No matter how much you crave it, sympathy is a very uncommon male expression. Likewise, when your feelings are hurt or conflicts arise, it will be up to you (not him) to try to soothe the hurt feelings or resolve (or overlook) the conflict. Ironic isn’t it? When your feelings are hurt the only sympathy you will get will be from yourself!
The fifth ingredient is to accept the fact that men do not like to talk. Bullying or pushing them into talking is likely to make them angry and result in a fight. And talking about the relationship, his attraction to other women, what happened in past relationships, preference for friends over you, or asking him to express his feelings are (for him) extreme, radical, and high-risk forms of talk. As far as men are concerned, not talking is a sign of trust and intimacy. The only time that talk may be appropriate, as far as men are concerned (and it was referred to previously) is telling you what you should do to solve a problem or resolve an issue. Talk in such situations is short and to the point because, as noted before, the sooner a solution, the quicker peace returns
The sixth ingredient is to accept the fact that men show their affection not by expressions of love (like you would prefer) but by doing things (like taking out the garbage or having sex).
The seventh ingredient is not to think of your relationship as one of partners thinking alike and sharing. Think of it, instead, only as a partnership in which both of you exist within the same environment but maintain parallel lives. Rather than interdependence (mutual dependence) and cooperation as you would prefer, accept independence and competition. When convergence and overlap occurs within the relationship, enjoy it for what it is. Recognize that happiness for men is more likely to result from independence — not in sharing, cooperation, and joint action.
There is no sure-fire method for dealing with all of these ingredients. If you work hard at maintaining closeness, forgive your partner whenever necessary, maintain self-respect and self-esteem, cooperate at every opportunity, stay open to spontaneity, maintain your energy by staying healthy, keep relationship details to yourself, encourage dialog and communication whenever possible by taking an interest in what your partner does, give him space, friends, and activities to offer a respite from the responsibilities of work, home, and family, apologize, apologize, and apologize, work together through the hard times, and realize that love ebbs and flows and depends on how you treat each other, it is more likely that happiness, success, and relationship longevity will occur. Just remember that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.
______________________________________________________________________________
On the WebMD website http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/16/1689_52782.htm Liza Jane Maltin, in an essay entitled “The Secret to Relationship Success,” reports some "surprising findings" that "challenge the prevailing view that marital companionship promotes marital satisfaction." The final paragraph to her essay is: "We found that the association between companionship and satisfaction is less robust than previously believed, and that it depends on how often spouses pursue activities that reflect their own and their partner's leisure preferences.”
At the website ScholarWorks@UMassAmherst http://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations/AAI9988802/ there is an abstract of a dissertation entitled, “Popular belief in gender-based communication differences and relationship success,” by
Ann Michelle Johnson, University of Massachusetts Amherst, 2000, which discusses many of the misconceptions in gender-based communication. I have not read the dissertation, but Johnson’s conclusion to the abstract, “I conclude that the resonance of these differences is linked to the undeniable importance of communication in relationships coupled with the heterosexist bias of self-help literature and television representations of relationships,” suggests it would be terrific.
______________________________________________________________________________
Contact Richard L. Weaver II
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