Most fathers have no idea the influence they have on their children

by Richard L. Weaver II

My own father never was on my side, and if he could see me now (he died in 1964 at the age of 53; had he lived, he would be 96), he might react differently than the impressions I gained from him during my youth: “You’re never going to amount to anything!” It could be, too, that he would demonstrate in my adult years, the same resentment and jealousy I felt from him regarding any of my successes or personal growth. There are some traits and abilities I am certain I picked up from him; however, most of what I remember I either received directly or absorbed from my mother. My father’s influence on me? It was more likely a reaction against what I experienced rather than an emulation of it.

One factor that provides a useful and accurate metaphor for my own fathering was the time I was willing to spend with my children. Whether it was playing with blocks, Lincoln Logs, or a toy train, or helping them write school essays, going to student-teacher conferences, or attending athletic events to watch the cheerleaders or marching band, my wife and I were there for them. For one of our daughters, we either chaperoned or attended her cheerleading events, no matter where it took us; for one of our sons in the school’s pep band, we attended athletic events to hear him play.

In his book, The Father Factor (Prometheus Books, 2006), Stephan B. Poulter http://coaches.aol.com/business-and-career/feature/_a/excerpt-the-father-factor/20070220113809990001, states that “Professional experience tells me that approximately 10 percent of all fathers make up this group of men (pp. 157-58).” He labels “my” kind of fathering “the compassionate-mentor father.” I have borrowed from Poulter for this essay, and I have avoided using quotation marks, for the most part, because of the distraction they cause.

Of the important elements Poulter lists for compassionate-mentor fathers, there are a number I revealed throughout my children’s development. In the writing of this essay, I have avoided mentioning the role my wife has played because this is a Father’s Day essay. This avoidance should not suggest I considered my role exclusionary. My wife’s role in everything I do is not just significant but praiseworthy.

One of Poulter’s elements I demonstrated was a tolerance and acceptance of differences including religious, ethical, relational, and career disparities. In addition, there was an understanding of other people’s feelings, thoughts, and concerns without defensiveness or judgment. This was substantiated often through our regular family-dinner conversations. These family-dinner conversations were valuable because they provided our children easily observed trust in their personal beliefs and convictions and an allowance and understanding of their dreams and goals — which, because of the established norm and supportive atmosphere, they were happy to openly share.

In addition to the elements of tolerance, acceptance, and understanding, there was both a demonstration and support of leadership qualities simply because of the experiences I shared regarding my work and the encouragement always shown to the children when they were given, elected to take, or sought leadership positions themselves. Leadership is also reinforced by helping children understand and use the traits leaders are expected to demonstrate: listening, open-mindedness, cooperation, helpfulness, responsiveness, organization and goal orientation, respectful consideration of others, and the clear expression of ideas.

One of the most striking qualities in the upbringing of our children was the absence of negative “baggage” such as anger, neglect, resentment, and need for approval. It was, I’m sure, the absence of these emotionally draining and energy-consuming issues that allowed for the development of positive, life-affirming qualities which include self-esteem, empathy, courage, emotional security, stability, strong relationships, and a vision for their lives. Children who carry with them their father’s disappointments, frustrations, depression, and resentments often have these same experiences in their own personal lives and careers.

There is a certain pride you take when you see your sons and daughters feel good about themselves and, especially, when that strength of character is passed on to the people surrounding them in their lives. Poulter claims that children of a compassionate-mentor father “have the insight and compassion to understand others, relate to contrary opinions, and communicate their beliefs in a positive manner (p. 159).”

So, what do fathers contribute to the upbringing of their children? They help their daughters and sons develop feelings of love, self-worth, a sense of competence, and a capacity and willingness to take risks. Father support may make the difference between a child’s becoming a high school dropout, a chronic drug abuser, an unreliable employee, miserable at work, or a successful and accomplished adult. When fathers emotionally bond with their children, they establish an ongoing open line of communication which is the basis for children developing a positive sense of their world and place in it.

Looking back at my fathering, it was not without failure. There were moments of emotional outbursts and negative feelings, but from an early age my children always knew their father cared about them, even though I completely misunderstood certain situations. Their father’s guidance and love was there for them — and it was clear at all points — to guide them through periods of great difficulty and personal change. The recurrent, unspoken support is what has allowed my children to take adventurous steps, make important choices, and tackle the challenges they have faced.

I did not do what I did as a father because it was the right thing to do, because I was trained or taught to do it, nor because I knew the effect it would have on my children. I did it for two reasons: because I wanted to do it for my kids and family, and, second, because it was enjoyable. Perhaps, I would have enjoyed it more or had a greater commitment, had I known the empowering effect it would have on them to pursue their dreams, strengths, and hopes. Or, had I known that my role in their lives was irreplaceable and critical to their future development because of my emotional attachment as a parent. Only in retrospect (and after reading Poulter’s book), did I know the importance of my role in providing my children a sense of safety, support, and a feeling that things will always work out.
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“Poulter defines the mother factor as our emotional development, functioning, and ability to form meaningful relationships in family life, in social life, and with intimate partners.” This quote comes from Poulter in his essay, “How your mother's emotional legacy impacts your life. If you are interested in the mother factor, to offset what is said above about the father factor, this is a good place to begin: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2008-04/pb-hym042308.php

At the website, Fatherhood Institute, the title of the essay there says it all, “Fatherhood Institute Research Summary: Fathers' Influence Over Children's Education — Father’s Impact on their Children’s Education and Achievement: Messages from Research.” http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/index.php?id=12&cID=583 This is an essay full of research results with over 25 references — an excellent resource.
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Contact Richard L. Weaver II