The message relationship partners don't want to hear

by Richard L. Weaver II

One area of relationships those who are just starting out either don’t realize, don’t understand, or simply don’t know is what a “commitment” to a relationship means. When the impact of these messages register — and when their true meaning comes to light — it is easy to understand why about half of the marriages that take place don’t last.

The first and most important message is the one most misunderstood. Relationships are not fifty-fifty. That is, often the understanding is that if each partner gives fifty per cent of his or her time and effort to the relationship, the relationship will thrive. This message is wrong on two counts. First, it is unlikely that either partner can truly give fifty percent of his or her time to the relationship. Given the demands of work, family, friends, hobbies, and personal time, there is seldom fifty percent of a person’s time left.

The second reason why this fifty-fifty division doesn’t work is the question: who decides what fifty per cent of a commitment is or what it looks like? Who determines this? One partner, for example, might feel he or she is devoting an extraordinary amount of time and effort to the relationship, and the other partner may see that commitment as something considerably less than fifty-fifty.

There is, however, a far more important reason why the fifty-fifty split doesn’t work. Think about it, if each partner could and would deliver fifty-percent of his or her time to the relationship, things might — with an emphasis on “might” — work. The problem is that because commitments notoriously fall short of expectations, both ours and those of our partners — the relationship will suffer. When one partner is giving more to it than the other, it creates room for discontent to creep in: “Why am I the only one who cares about this relationship? Why am I the only one who is committed day-and-night to making it work?”

The fifty-fifty message provides the outline for a number of other related messages that relationship partners don’t want to hear. For example, some may feel that a fifty-fifty commitment far exceeds anything he or she can even give. The relationship is established, and it is fundamental, it is true. But now that it is formed, I can devote my time, effort, and money to my job.

The problem with this approach is simple. For a relationship to be a success, it takes work, time, and effort — by both partners. It doesn’t continue automatically. It’s as if some believe that the marriage ceremony shifts the relationship onto autopilot. “An autopilot,” according to Wikipedia, “ is a mechanical, electrical, or hydraulic system used to guide a vehicle without assistance from a human being.” When you remove the “human being” from the relationship, there is no relationship at all.

The fifty-fifty message gives rise to another related message, too. Relationships require communication. Sure, communication is important to learn about the other person, share ideas, resolve difficulties, and solve problems. But, even more important, communication is essential to plotting changes in the relationship. Relationships are not steadfast, unwavering, and permanent fixtures like pictures of the couple hanging on a wall. People change, and their views of their relationship partner, and even the relationship as a whole, change over time. Sometimes the changes are long in developing; sometimes they occur in an instant. However they occur, they are important and need to be discussed.

You don’t establish clear, open lines of communication only when a partner perceives that communication may be necessary. When lines of communication are always open, when they are always available, and when communication is always a natural, comfortable, and ongoing characteristic of the relationship, changes in the relationship can be noted and discussed.

Often, when partners are drawn together by great sex or by the passions of the moment, relationships don’t last. Anyone who is part of a long-standing relationship — one that has existed for some time — will tell you that the “great sex” or even “passion” are fleeting things and not the foundation upon which strong relationships are built.

What are the essentials that make up the foundation upon which solid, durable relationships are built? Relationship partners need to focus on being a couple. This is a special and unique thing — the relationship — and partners in such relationships must want to spend time with each other. One reason for that is that the partners share common values, interests, and goals. Who better might they want to spend time with?

A second major and important characteristic is that partners in successful relationships share power equally. One partner never dominates the other. There must always be true give-and-take between partners whether it is resolving problems, making decisions, or simply discussing issues. This should not be a facade of equality; it must be the real thing, and it must be supported on a continuing basis by gestures of respect, support, and caring.

A third major component of effective relationships is the ability to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. What does that mean? Neither partner should deny or suppress differences nor belittle, disparage, or run down the other. Conflicts and problems need to be negotiated in such a way that win-win solutions can be discovered in honest and straightforward ways.

The fourth characteristic is trust. A lack of trust can undermine the very best of intentions. It is the central pillar that supports any successful relationship. Jenn Malko, in her online article, “Building trust in relationships,” at the web site, www.cupidsreviews.com
writes, “Trust requires that you listen to each other and communicate your needs. Trust requires honesty above all else. Once you’ve built trust, you’ve done something magical, and you should do everything in your power to keep it if you plan on maintaining your relationship.”

The essential message is that relationships are not fifty-fifty, and if you enter a relationship thinking this is how it will work, your relationship is likely doomed to failure. But there are clear avenues for positive change and development: 1) focus on being a couple, 2) share power equally, 3) resolve conflicts in healthy ways, and 4) above all, reveal trust. If you form a relationship and you truly want it to last, plan to give it the work, time, and effort it deserves — even if it is one-hundred percent of what you have!

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At the web site, Psych Central, Charleen Alderfer has an excellent essay entitled, “Making relationships work,” in which she discusses how to lay a solid foundation. Her eight suggestions for reflection and growth will provide the fodder for some wonderful discussions.

In an article, “The 3 essentials for building successful relationships,” Alicia Fortinberry discusses rules, roles, and rituals. This is an interesting essay full of insight and useful perspectives.

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Copyright 2009 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.