How to build a personality from the ground up

by Richard L. Weaver II

He came to me early in the first semester after graduating from high school. He was exactly what one might characterize as a “nerd,” “computer geek,” “dork,” “dweeb,” or “techie.” Charles had his own label: “loser.” He had been assigned as my advisee because as a top, highly skilled debater in high school, he sought to capitalize on his speech-communication prowess by becoming a politician, lawyer, minister, or teacher. With his background and skill, the choice was clearly his; however, he had a serious problem, and he knew it. He had no friends, and what he needed the most was a “personality makeover” — some kind of transformation or overhaul that would make him well liked (affable, amiable, genial, charming, appealing, delightful, and good-natured).

As a speech-communication advisor, I had never worked with someone like Charles, but I found him fascinating and the refurbishment he sought a challenge. The first thing I told him was that entering college was, perhaps, one of the best times in life to make major personality changes. He could leave his high school persona behind as well as all those who knew him then, and he could now construct — from whatever foundation he chose — the personality that would not only please him but the personality, too, that would best serve his future interests and goals.

How do you begin to build a new personality from the ground up? It is actually a simpler process than what one might imagine; however, there are two prerequisites. First, one needs a completely new situation. It’s a little like sitting next to a stranger on an airplane or chatting with one on the Internet — a person you know you’ll never see again — and supplying the kind of information and details that cause the other person to form a complimentary, praiseworthy, and totally favorable opinion of you. Second, you need a whole set of new acquaintances who have no ties or relationships to your former persona. What these new acquaintances must only hear and see is “the new you.”

There is an important principle that underlies this remodeling scenario. The “self” is a socially constructed entity. That is, we learn about our self through the eyes of others. It is others who provide the specific information and knowledge we use as we put together our concept or perception of our self. That is exactly how Charles learned, for example, that people do not like nerds, geeks, dweebs, dorks, and techies. He had no friends, but he knew why.

So, where did I start? Although I did not have the help of Scott Ginsberg when assisting Charles, Ginsberg’s book, The Power of Approachability (Front Porch Productions, 2005), offers excellent advice that permits people to begin at the ground floor. There is nothing earth shattering in the book, however, one must have a place to begin, and if the intent is to build a new self, and if the self is socially constructed, then one must assume the responsibility of establishing the social connections through which new information and knowledge will be channeled.

The first thing Charles needed to do was make a major change in the way he approached others — all others. It required an attitude readjustment. No longer could Charles blame others for not liking or approaching him. Now, the responsibility was entirely his. Entirely! No matter what the basic motivation for engaging others — to help them, learn from them, relate to them, influence them, or play with them — Charles must be ready to engage them, and there are a number of ways to do it:

—Encourage people to break their silence with you by opening with a question.
—Identify and amplify others’ names to make them feel appreciated and connected with you.
—Use humor. Because humor disarms people, find something funny in the situation or about yourself that you can use to make them laugh or smile.
—Find information. Is there information others have that would help you or that you can find out from them?
—Depend on your own knowledge. Is there any information or knowledge you have that you can offer others that would in some way help, assist, benefit, encourage, stimulate, or facilitate the situation?

You can’t stand on the sidelines and expect others to take the initiative. It may require that you think outside the box — outside what is expected, believed, thought, or assumed. Often, if a connection is to be made, someone must be willing to break the ice, disturb the flow, or change the expectations. Having information and knowledge, of course, is a good way to do this.

The second thing Charles needed to do was to make himself accessible and easy to deal with. Because of his background and upbringing, he tended to present a rather formal, staid, and dignified presence. This certainly aided him when debating. But that demeanor conveyed to others that he was aloof, reserved, remote, detached, and unapproachable. This wasn’t an easy change for Charles to make. I suggested that Charles play the role of a relaxed, comfortable, easygoing person who was open, friendly, unpretentious, unstuffy, and casual. I told him that by playing the role, many of these characteristics would stick and become natural and comfortable.

The third thing Charles needed to do was become friendly and ready to listen to others. Because he was extremely well-informed and knowledgeable, seldom was Charles at a loss for words; however, this trait got him into trouble. Others found communicating with him difficult, to say the least. Jean De La Bruyere, the French essayist and moralist said it best, “The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you.”

Friendliness is always two-way. That is, to have a friend, you must be a friend. Once again, Charles had to break from his standard operating procedure. He had to show others he cared, build trust with them, remind others that talking with him was worth it, trigger others’ psychological need to be included, and draw others to him with surprising, honest, appealing, memorable and fun answers that personified his new attitude by expediting interaction and creating engaging conversation.

Charles saw changes immediately, liked the results, and continued his program of growth, development, and change. He had built a new, positive, outgoing personality from the ground up.

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At ezinearticles.com, there is a terrific essay by Christina Sponias, entitled, “How to build your personality,” in which she offers great advice and numerous suggestions.

If you are looking for practical suggestions that you can adopt and use immediately, visit “Personality Development.”

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Copyright March, 2009 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.