Relationship luck takes hard work

Thousands of couples had their weddings on July 7, 2007, because they believed that date would result in wedded bliss—“lucky sevens” they thought. But, what effect does luck have on relationships?

For this essay I depend on the research of Professor Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire who studied “luck” for more than ten years. I have avoided using quotation marks, however, I depend on his article, “The loser’s guide to getting lucky” (sponsored on the Web by BBC News) for the information in this essay.

Based on his monitoring of their lives, interviews he conducted, and experiments, Wiseman discovered that the thoughts and behavior of individuals is responsible for much of their good and bad fortune. For example, based on an experiment he conducted, he found that lucky people notice and respond to more opportunities than unlucky people. Unlucky people are generally more tense than lucky people, and it is their anxiety that disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. They will go to a party intent on finding the perfect partner and miss opportunities to make good friends, or they will search through a newspaper determined to find a certain kind of job advertisement and miss other types of jobs.

Because lucky people tend to be more relaxed and open, they see what is there rather than just what they are looking for. This can have enormous benefits in relationships simply because of synergy—the combined effect of two people that produces results different from those that occur when acting alone. It is just such effects that are often unprecedented, frequently unpredictable, generally variable, and yet—for relationships—exceptional and unique. Lucky people, according to the research Wiseman conducted, are skilled at creating and noticing just such chance opportunities. It should be clear that it isn’t luck that comes from outside the relationship—like getting married on a special date—it is luck that occurs because one partner or the other possesses characteristics that favor luck—it’s their thoughts and behaviors.

But what about people who tend to be unlucky? Is there any help for them? The answer Wiseman gives offers hope. When he asked a group of volunteers to spend a month carrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave like a lucky person—spotting chance opportunities, listening to their intuition, expecting to be lucky, and being more resilient to bad luck—80% of the volunteers became happier, more satisfied with their lives, and, most important of all, they were luckier—and all this, just one month later.

There are four tips, according to Wiseman, for becoming lucky, and all four can be applied to relationships.

First, listen to your gut instincts. Wiseman says they are normally right. It’s a matter of trusting your intuition. In a relationship, begin by believing that the chemistry that brought the two of you together is correct. Because you feel your gut reaction to this person is accurate, use that as a foundation. For example, believe that this person has every intention of making this relationship work, and they are willing to grow and change along with you. Trust them. Don’t doubt them. Allow this positive foundation to eliminate all indecision, suspicion, insecurity, uncertainty, vacillation, and hesitancy.

Second, be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine. In today’s world so many people rush hectically around, strive to get work done, complete errands, and fill their time by running here and there. You need to slow down and notice what is happening around you. Because you know you have found the love of your life—no doubts, no vacillation (see the first tip, above)—you need to practice paying attention to what is right in front of you. If you pay attention you will not only be surprised by the experiences, contacts, events, happenings, and adventures you will encounter, but you will be able to take advantage of the people and things that will help keep your relationship stimulating, fresh, and alive.

Third, spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well. Dwell on the positive. When you spend some time every day thinking of the good things about your relationship partner, your relationship, and yourself—even when these things are small or silly (like something you said that made the other person feel good, or an e-mail message that brought the two of you closer together, or your weird sense of humor)—it is these things that are associated with being happy. When you are happy, you are relaxed and attractive to others. You reflect a smiling, warm confidence that supplies the glue that holds relationships together.

Fourth, visualize yourself being lucky. Luck can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship success depends upon communication, intimacy, relating, compromise, negotiation, and understanding. Since both sexes are equally able to perform the tasks required to make the relationship work, neither has to depend on the other for these abilities. If you believe you have the ability, your actions will not only be positive, but they will reveal that you actually have the ability to make your relationship work.

So, for those who chose to marry on July 7, 2007 (or on any other date thought to be lucky), because it had the potential of bringing them triple the amount of luck for wedded bliss, I leave them the following suggestions. Let your luck motivate you to pay attention and plan carefully. First, pay attention to everything around you so you can take advantage of all opportunities to make life better for your relationship and your relationship partner. Second, plan not just for today but for years ahead. Plan to make time for yourself, for your partner, and to enhance your relationship. Save money every week to assure financial security. Because there is always an element of chance in life, you need to capitalize on that chance to make life more rewarding, challenging, and exciting. If luck is truly the confluence of preparation and opportunity, then it is easy not just to understand but to support what Thomas Jefferson said: “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have it.

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At the web site, divine caroline, at , the essay is entitled, “You Make Your Own Relationship Luck.” This is a fascinating, personal, and insightful story about personal responsibility that can be summed up in this quotation from the essay, “Women need to stop marginalizing themselves to the status of ‘other woman’ or ‘mistreated woman’ and avoid these ‘pretend relationships’ where the guy makes us think that we’re in a relationship by throwing us just enough crumbs to keep us hooked.” Basically, in relationships, each partner is responsible for making his or her own luck.

At iVilliage.co.uk the essay, “25 Tips for Relationship Success,” by Susan Quilliam at the web site offers wonderful, practical, specific advice about what it takes to make relationships work. This essay is very worthwhile
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Copyright February, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L. C.