What greater way to prepare for the New Year than by sharing with my readers, my favorite New Year’s jokes? There is no order here. Some are clearly better than others, but I thought all of them had merit—or they wouldn’t be included. Most give quick and sufficient testimony to what happened to me: When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking. Let’s begin with a letter to the lord dated January 1st:
Dear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
You’ve heard of the serenity prayer? This is the senility prayer:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Many New Year’s resolutions are about dieting: It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds. The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak. The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat. An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.
About dieting, Jackie Gleason said, “A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
“I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”
Now for a joke that is very sad. There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
After listening to some bedtime stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, “Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and vegetables?”
And a final joke (another one) that has nothing to do with New Years, but offers us all something to think about. A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years."
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” May the new year bring you health, wealth, and prosperity. Of course, that’s the same toast someone made at your wedding, and where did that get you?
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At About.com
Sue Shallenbarger, at the web site
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other." ~ Anonymous
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