Men should not marry

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

It may not make much sense to you at first, but hear me out.  Allow me to make the argument, and then you be the judge.  The point of this essay is simply that for men, marriage goes against every natural and learned trait they possess and, thus, marriage is (and should be, considering everything) a foreign, unnatural, and improper act, and anyone who expects a marriage between a man and woman to work is dreaming, fantasizing, idealizing, romanticizing, or simply stupid!
   
Let’s begin with the basics — the natural (congenital or inherited) traits men possess.  You can consult the studies, read the books, or simply base your judgment on observation, but the conclusion will likely be the same.  Men are, by nature, unemotional, active, rugged, strong, dominant, leaders, crude, bigger, spontaneous, independent, unwilling to share (uncooperative), adverse to communicating, and have a need to be right.  Women, on the other hand, tend to be emotional, loving, empathic, accepting, positive, quiet, nurturing, loving, attached, respectful, listeners, who are smaller and weaker than men.
   
Now, answer the question: how would you expect those who are naturally strong, dominant, crude, independent, uncommunicative, unwilling to share (uncooperative), and with a need to be right, to be the kind of people who would or even could make a marriage work?  Marriage, for it to work, demands cooperation and communication.  It could even be said to be a sharing existence.  Further, marriage is like a showcase for women’s traits: positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, love, and respect.
   
For men, without making major changes or offering significant concessions (“selling out”) or simply learning and demonstrating new traits (it won’t happen!), marriage, for men, cannot work.
   
Turning now from the discussion of “natural traits,” the romantic notion of marriage, of husband and wife sharing ideas, talking out problems, doing things together, and getting along seamlessly, is just that: a romantic notion.  It is fantasy, a delusion.  Let’s take this romantic idea of marriage to a practical, applied level.  It is, I am certain, a romantic notion to have a beautiful wife, smart, attractive, active, healthy children, a home that fulfills every possible dream (or fantasy), and a job that brings in more than enough money  (as well as happiness and fulfillment) to satisfy every need, accommodate every desire, cover any emergency, and provide a life free of difficulty and distress of any kind.  I’m right, aren’t I?  That is truly a romantic notion.
   
And yet, as romantic as that notion is, it is insufficient to make some who possess it happy enough to remain married.  Can you believe it?  Men, basically, are unfit to be married!
   
There are other reasons, too, why men should not marry.  Let’s look at marriage from a very practical, down-to-earth point of view.  It’s an old, tired, well-worn cliche  that when driving men never want to stop and ask for directions.  The underlying cause for this behavior is, 1) a need to be right, 2) a need to do it by themselves (independence), and 3) a need to avoid dependence on others.  All of these underlying causes, when extended to relationship behavior, argue — at their base — against everything a marriage stands for or should be:
    1.    How can you solve problems mutually when men always need to be right?
    2.    How can you make mutual decisions when men always want to do it (make decisions) by themselves (independence)?
    3.    How can you operate on a daily basis with men who have no interest in being dependent on others (any others!)?
   
There are, too, other reasons why men should not marry.  Men are control freaks!  No marriage can last long if the man controls everything.  Unless women are willing to give up total control, unless women are willing to be doormats for all of men’s wants, desires, and needs, and unless women are willing to be totally submissive, marriages cannot work.  Does that sound like any kind of marriage you would want to be part of?  Does that sound like any kind of marriage at all?
   
It is, too, a cliche  that men do not like to communicate — especially when it requires a show of emotion or when it is about a relationship.  If you closely observe male-female relationships in informal settings, you will discover females do most of the talking.  At the PBS (Public Broadcasting) home page, a quotation from the book, Language Myths (Penguin Press), states, studies reviewed by Deborah James and Janice Drakich, conclude that, “Women, it seems, are willing to talk more [than men] in relaxed social contexts, especially where the talk functions to develop and maintain social relationships.”
   
Women’s talk treats subjects that draw people together, promote relationship harmony, and enhance and encourage communication.  Men tend to talk about matters that are not relationship oriented: events, objects, and things.  Just from their conversations alone, it should be clear that men are not naturally oriented to having close relationships with others, becoming emotionally involved, or communicating their feelings.  There is nothing here that would suggest that men are marriage material.  They want partners for sex, but the desire for sex alone is insufficient to sustain a marriage and, too, does not even require marriage.
   
In addition to everything else discussed in this essay, in relationships men are weak and insecure.  If women are unwilling to massage and stroke men’s egos, relationships are unlikely to last.  Can you imagine marriages in which women must spend their time involved in and dealing with men’s feelings: whether they are depressed or hurt, whether they are getting the respect they think they deserve, whether their partner really loves, trusts, needs (you fill in the word here) them?  Such behavior is immature, unnecessary, petty pampering, and yet, men (with their insecurity) require this sort of “affection.”  It is like dealing with babies unable to stand on their own two feet, dependent on silly nurturing, and requiring childish coddling.  Men are not fit to be married.
   
Whether you look at it from the side of male traits, or whether you look at it from the female side and what is necessary on their part to make marriages work (because you cannot depend on men to participate in a marriage!), marriages make no sense for men.  There is nothing that make men compatible with or well suited for the true concept of what marriages are and should be!
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“Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D., is assistant professor of government at Patrick Henry College and President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. His book, Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family, has just been published by Cumberland House Publishing.”  Baskerville has written an essay, “Advice to young men: Do not marry, do not have children” in which he offers another reason men should not marry: divorce (and the divorce laws).

“Top Ten Reasons Not to Get Married” offers these reasons: 1) Marriage is forever, 2) Marriage is the end of taking risks, 3) Marriage often fails, 4) Marriage is the end of sex, 5) Marriage is constant compromise, 6) Marriage is the end of spontaneity, 7) Marriage is just paperwork, 8) Marriage is expensive, 9) Marriage is the end of options, and 10) Marriage will make her let herself go.

My essay, "Women have superior leadership traits" (December 2, 1010) reinforces much of what I have said in this essay with respect to men and women traits. The very characteristics that make women better leaders than men are similar to (if not the same as) those that make them better at relationship maintenance and sustenance. (When you get to the andthensomeworks.com website, click on the "Blog" icon in the top navigation bar.)

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Copyright February, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.