by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I was talking with a religious conservative, and when I suggested a number of problems with religious conservatism, this person stopped in mid-discussion to say, “Don’t go there. I am very proud of my religion, and I don’t accept anyone attacking it.” Mine was not an attack; rather, it was expressing some personal concerns I had, and the purpose was not to change the person but simply to make him aware of my concerns.
Here was a person, as I quickly discovered, entirely satisfied, not eager to make any changes in either thought or behavior, and unwilling to hear ideas contrary to his set of beliefs that came from his parents and the parents of his parents.I have no problem with people who are secure in their beliefs, but I do have a problem with those who are unwilling to listen. Also, I have a problem with people who are unwilling to explore and discover new ideas.
The problem comes first from apathy and contentment, “I like the way I am, and I have no interest in or reason to change.” The problem comes, second, from laziness. “If I don’t want to change in any way, why should I listen to ideas contrary to my own?”
Let’s consider a bigger problem than religious conservatism. Let’s take an example, instead, of a weak self-concept. The reason this can become a problem has to do with the relationship of self-concept and perception. A weak self-concept weakens your flexibility. For example, with stronger self-confidence, you will have a sturdy base of operations — more strength and confidence in your ability to anticipate, assess, and evaluate situations.
Second, with more accurate perceptions you will increase your repertoire of available skills and behaviors; thus you will have more from which to select and, likely, more accuracy and precision in their application. What it comes down to is your ability to face new situations. What you need are more tools in your toolbox. It comes down to the age-old aphorism that when all you have in the world is a hammer, every problem you encounter looks like a nail. This is black-and-white thinking that eliminates all shades of gray from your base of operations. A strong self-concept permits shades of gray
What is important to know with respect to strengthening your self-concept is that it doesn’t take much change to influence your communication and life. The starting point for change can be just as soon as you want it to be, and you will notice the results immediately. But, it is also important to know that nothing at all will change if you are closed-minded, reluctant, and hesitant or full of fear, doubt, and concern.
For many people, it isn’t necessarily fear, doubt, and concern, it is that you either think you know everything you need to know, or you think there is no need or room for improvement. Another possible problem is that you know that a change in your self-concept may require other changes, new behaviors, actions you cannot anticipate, and an unknown set of problems that you are just not ready or willing to take on.
All of these are legitimate concerns; however, the fact is some change is going to occur whether you like it or not. To be open to change is more likely to prepare you for anything that might happen — the anticipated and unanticipated alike. What this requires is open-mindedness.
“The trait of open-mindedness is best understood as a disposition, rather than an occurrent state of mind. It's not about what beliefs you actually have, but how open you are to revising them in appropriate circumstances. It requires the true humility of self-acknowledged fallibility. It requires that our minds be open to new evidence. But this is something very different from suggesting that we should be equally accepting of nonsense as we are of sense. That's not open-mindedness; it's gullibility, or perhaps stupidity,” writes the author of the blog at Philosophy, et cetera.
Open-mindedness requires that you be open to new findings and understandings, and you must be open to options, alternatives, and possible new choices. It can be a great journey, but without a commitment from you, there’s likely to be no journey at all — just words on a page or ideas that travel in one ear and out the other — if, indeed, they get that far.
“Can we will ourselves to change?” Joann Ellison Rodgers asks, then answers her own question in her article “Altered Ego: The New View of Personality Change.” “Yes,” says Rodgers, “especially if we think we can. . . . The power of belief is the key.”
But it goes much further than the power of belief alone. That, of course, is a starting point, and it is a good starting point. With the power of belief operating at full tilt, it is more likely that you will be able to embrace the ideas of others. This boils down to one absolute essential: respect.
In practical terms what you can do when others speak is to avoid looking for points to disagree with. Rather, take a completely different tact: look for ideas to increase your wisdom. Realize that everyone has something to offer you. It comes back to the example of the religious conservative with which I opened this essay. I love Chuck Gallozzi’s quotation, “The open-minded see the truth in different things, but the narrow-minded see only the differences,” found at his website personal-development.com in an essay, “Being Open-Minded. It is as Gallozzi expresses it, “We need our differences. For they provide us with more options and possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.”
The second thing you can do is abandon your need to be right. By doing so, according to Gallozzi, you turn power over to others and “grant them the right to be themselves.” It is a matter of acting generously and to quote Gallozzi once again, “One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift.”
These two changes, respect for others and abandoning your need to be right, are easier said than done because your current behavior is based on entrenched habits. If you can believe that you can change, the results of open mindedness — stronger self-concept, more well-rounded personality, acceptance and respect by others — are worth any effort you devote to change.
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At the website, Affirmations For Positive Thinking/Creating Power (How you can create the life you want), there are a number of motivational essays that are interesting and fun to read. Please note, this is a sales website; however, that does not deny the potential value of the essays.
Here is an excellent essay, “Is it good to be open-minded?” by William Hare of
Mount St. Vincent University that includes 42 footnotes. Yes, it is a bit long, but it is comprehensive, interesting, and worth a read.
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Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Showing posts with label Weaver's Essays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weaver's Essays. Show all posts
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas jokes
I decided to compose a different kind of essay to celebrate Christmas this year. Here, then, I have listed some of my favorite Christmas jokes. Although some of the jokes are clearly better than others; there is no order in their presentation here. Some are a little more sophisticated than others, but most are quite silly. I begin with one that fits the “silly” category very well—and I apologize in advance.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
A second joke. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back." Now, I like that joke, and for much the same reason, I like the next one, too.
A third joke. Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answers, "They're Carol's."
Christmas jokes would not be complete without at least one stupid one. One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
I would love to say this next joke is original, but it isn’t. None of them are; however, this one reveals my respect for proper pronunciation. In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.'"
Sometimes the short Christmas jokes work well to grab attention and provide a quick guffaw. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
Let me end with a politically correct Christmas: On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
-----
At this web site, you will find a wide variety of Christmas jokes.
At About.com , there are a large variety of Christmas jokes.
The Family Yak web site, Bernadette Dimitrov has an essay in which she includes, “7 Classic Christmas Jokes: Guaranteed to Get a Laugh!” One of them is a “knock-knock joke,” and the other six are standard two-liners. Then she goes on in her essay to talk briefly about laughter.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
A second joke. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back." Now, I like that joke, and for much the same reason, I like the next one, too.
A third joke. Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answers, "They're Carol's."
Christmas jokes would not be complete without at least one stupid one. One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
I would love to say this next joke is original, but it isn’t. None of them are; however, this one reveals my respect for proper pronunciation. In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.'"
Sometimes the short Christmas jokes work well to grab attention and provide a quick guffaw. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
Let me end with a politically correct Christmas: On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
-----
At this web site, you will find a wide variety of Christmas jokes.
At About.com , there are a large variety of Christmas jokes.
The Family Yak web site, Bernadette Dimitrov has an essay in which she includes, “7 Classic Christmas Jokes: Guaranteed to Get a Laugh!” One of them is a “knock-knock joke,” and the other six are standard two-liners. Then she goes on in her essay to talk briefly about laughter.
-----
Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Take healthy risks for positive rewards
My motto was “Vote for Weaver, he’ll work like a beaver.” It was a lousy slogan, true, and may have been one of the reasons I failed in my run for student-council president. Another possible reason for not winning could easily have been that students didn’t want me to be their president! At the time, I didn’t care the reason. Of course, I ran against one of the most popular guys in the school and losing was a foregone conclusion (had I really considered it), but I had one heck of a good time making posters and banners, giving speeches, and shaking hands. I gave it a lot of time and effort.
At the time I didn’t think of it as a risk, although I stepped far beyond my comfort zone to do it. Now that I look back, I found the experience to be valuable in both learning and personal growth. I had never done anything like it before. From my previous leadership experiences — head of the hall monitors, captain of the junior deputies, leader of my scout troop and my cub scouts as well, president of junior achievement — I realized this experience was just one more on my growth chart. I really believed I had the interest of students at heart, and there were some changes I wanted to work on during my term — giving students more freedom and responsibility. Also, I never thought about failure. Even when I failed, I didn’t look back. It had no immediate effect on me. (Long term, it gave me an essay topic some 50 years hence!)
Until now I haven’t reflected on the whole experience. By challenging what was, looking to what could be, and having a healthy disregard for the impossible, I truly thought I could make a difference in the students’ world and in that of those people around me. I thought big. A risk taker — and I certainly didn’t think of myself as one at the time — challenges his or her comfort zone and becomes comfortable being uncomfortable.
One of the things about running for student-council president that stands out in my mind is all the preparation that went into it. I remember, for example, that all my friends who supported me had examined the situation and thought I could win. We began early, even before my chief competitor (and winner) entered the race. We knew the risk of losing, however, all of us thought the challenge and the run would be fun — there was really nothing to lose except, perhaps, our pride, but a loss of pride never entered our mind. We were young; who cared?
It was the group as a whole that clarified the objectives of the campaign, agreed on the slogan I came up with, evaluated basic approaches we needed to take, and decided on me to spearhead the movement — as the one most willing (or stupid enough!) to take the risk. We planned the posters, designed banners, prepared small business cards with the slogan to hand out, even decided where we would stand around the school (covering all the exits) to hand out the cards and shake hands. The strategy was a saturation campaign so everyone would at least know who I was. Not a great deal of thought was given to campaign promises, the need for change, or any kind of campaign platform, and that, indeed, may have been one of our weaknesses. These latter three items were to be handled solely in the campaign speech.
Implementation was simple. The group (there were about 5-10 of us) worked together on the strategy, and each member of the group was given a job to do with respect to advertising — seeking permission to hang the banner, obtaining janitorial help (a ladder) to hang it, getting the posters and business cards finished and then putting them up and handing them out. Other members of the group worked on the campaign speech. All of us looked at the entire experience as an adventure, not as a set of risks. “Risks” were never a consideration. To complete the adventure, we all looked forward to the action forthcoming.
Part of any true risk-taking experience, too, is evaluation. If you are to learn anything from what has taken place, some assessment must occur. What did you do that was right or that worked? Where did the campaign go wrong or what didn’t work? Where could the entire experience have been improved? That is, what could you have done better? What could you have done that you didn’t do? Overall assessment may be helpful as well. Given what you know now, how might you approach such a situation differently? Did you achieve the goals you set for yourself? What were the obstacles, and how could you overcome them in the future?
There were several important learnings that emerged from my run for student-council president. First, and this is supported by research, I never regretted the effort. A report in the journal Psychological Science reveals that whether you miss achieving a goal by a little or a lot, you won’t lament going after it nearly as much as you think you will. The failures from risk-taking behavior, for the most part, don’t last long with respect to regret, sorrow, sadness, disappointment, or residual unhappiness.
The second set of learnings from my run for president is that I still got a great learning experience, I still got the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I tried doing something,
and I still got the knowledge of how to do something. My mind was now freed up to start working on other things. As a kid, I was never a slacker; I always had things to do; and I always worked hard at whatever I tried.
From this experience — and other similar risk-taking adventures — I have some advice for those who want to increase their ability at taking risks. First, approach any risk with a positive mental attitude and strong positive expectations. You must slay the dragons of negativity as soon as you notice them creeping in. Take any risk with an intensely strong belief that you will succeed.
Second, if you approach any risk with a success mindset and the right mental attitude, more often than not you are going to succeed. You will be amazed at the resources you are able to assemble — your own and those of others — to make success possible.
Third, if the risk you are planning to take (or are currently engaged in) is not right for you, you will start noticing your intuition giving you certain messages (e.g., warnings, more information, barriers, etc.) about it that will help you make the right decision.
The important thing to remember when it comes to taking risks is that you live life only once. Life is too short to be wasted on things you don't want to do or on things that you have done over and over. That’s how comfort zones develop. You don't need to live on the sidelines. Trying to achieve new goals, cross fresh barriers, or develop new skills, will broaden your horizons, generate new knowledge, and expand your repertoire of options and alternatives. With such results there will be no regrets, and you will die knowing that you did the best you could. Start now taking healthy risks. If you believe you can, you can.
-----
Frances Lefkowitz, at wholeliving.com, has an excellent essay entitled, “The importance of taking risks.” At the end of her essay, Lefkowitz discusses “The Rewards of Risk,” and ends her essay saying, “Perhaps the most immediate benefit of risk is that it's simply plain fun. Neuroscientists explain this bliss with biochemistry: New, challenging, and risky activities trigger the release of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that's part of the brain's reward system. Call it the ultimate antidote to boredom -- it's the best way I know of to wake up and feel fully and ecstatically alive.” Lefkowitz also has an essay on “Risk-Taking Tips."
At Accessmy library.com, Mary R. Rolison and Abraham Scherman, have a sophisticated essay entitled, “College student risk-taking from three perspectives.,” that I found both fascinating and enlightening. Rolison and Scherman stated at the outset, “With so many college students taking risks involving so many negative consequences, it would be beneficial to have one general model or framework from which to understand college student risk-taking behavior,” but three were discussed, and no single unifying theory was proposed in the portion available online. First, “one theory indicates that individual traits, such as self-esteem, social skills, impulse control, sensation-seeking, and locus of control, may explain risk-taking.” Second, “problem-behavior theory has been offered as a way to explain risk-taking in adolescents and young adults. Problem behavior theory looks at risk-taking from a developmental and personal environment interaction perspective.” Third, “college student risk-taking could also be explained from the decision-making perspective. Furby and Beyth-Marom have proposed that adolescents may not be capable of competent decision-making.”
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Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
At the time I didn’t think of it as a risk, although I stepped far beyond my comfort zone to do it. Now that I look back, I found the experience to be valuable in both learning and personal growth. I had never done anything like it before. From my previous leadership experiences — head of the hall monitors, captain of the junior deputies, leader of my scout troop and my cub scouts as well, president of junior achievement — I realized this experience was just one more on my growth chart. I really believed I had the interest of students at heart, and there were some changes I wanted to work on during my term — giving students more freedom and responsibility. Also, I never thought about failure. Even when I failed, I didn’t look back. It had no immediate effect on me. (Long term, it gave me an essay topic some 50 years hence!)
Until now I haven’t reflected on the whole experience. By challenging what was, looking to what could be, and having a healthy disregard for the impossible, I truly thought I could make a difference in the students’ world and in that of those people around me. I thought big. A risk taker — and I certainly didn’t think of myself as one at the time — challenges his or her comfort zone and becomes comfortable being uncomfortable.
One of the things about running for student-council president that stands out in my mind is all the preparation that went into it. I remember, for example, that all my friends who supported me had examined the situation and thought I could win. We began early, even before my chief competitor (and winner) entered the race. We knew the risk of losing, however, all of us thought the challenge and the run would be fun — there was really nothing to lose except, perhaps, our pride, but a loss of pride never entered our mind. We were young; who cared?
It was the group as a whole that clarified the objectives of the campaign, agreed on the slogan I came up with, evaluated basic approaches we needed to take, and decided on me to spearhead the movement — as the one most willing (or stupid enough!) to take the risk. We planned the posters, designed banners, prepared small business cards with the slogan to hand out, even decided where we would stand around the school (covering all the exits) to hand out the cards and shake hands. The strategy was a saturation campaign so everyone would at least know who I was. Not a great deal of thought was given to campaign promises, the need for change, or any kind of campaign platform, and that, indeed, may have been one of our weaknesses. These latter three items were to be handled solely in the campaign speech.
Implementation was simple. The group (there were about 5-10 of us) worked together on the strategy, and each member of the group was given a job to do with respect to advertising — seeking permission to hang the banner, obtaining janitorial help (a ladder) to hang it, getting the posters and business cards finished and then putting them up and handing them out. Other members of the group worked on the campaign speech. All of us looked at the entire experience as an adventure, not as a set of risks. “Risks” were never a consideration. To complete the adventure, we all looked forward to the action forthcoming.
Part of any true risk-taking experience, too, is evaluation. If you are to learn anything from what has taken place, some assessment must occur. What did you do that was right or that worked? Where did the campaign go wrong or what didn’t work? Where could the entire experience have been improved? That is, what could you have done better? What could you have done that you didn’t do? Overall assessment may be helpful as well. Given what you know now, how might you approach such a situation differently? Did you achieve the goals you set for yourself? What were the obstacles, and how could you overcome them in the future?
There were several important learnings that emerged from my run for student-council president. First, and this is supported by research, I never regretted the effort. A report in the journal Psychological Science reveals that whether you miss achieving a goal by a little or a lot, you won’t lament going after it nearly as much as you think you will. The failures from risk-taking behavior, for the most part, don’t last long with respect to regret, sorrow, sadness, disappointment, or residual unhappiness.
The second set of learnings from my run for president is that I still got a great learning experience, I still got the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I tried doing something,
and I still got the knowledge of how to do something. My mind was now freed up to start working on other things. As a kid, I was never a slacker; I always had things to do; and I always worked hard at whatever I tried.
From this experience — and other similar risk-taking adventures — I have some advice for those who want to increase their ability at taking risks. First, approach any risk with a positive mental attitude and strong positive expectations. You must slay the dragons of negativity as soon as you notice them creeping in. Take any risk with an intensely strong belief that you will succeed.
Second, if you approach any risk with a success mindset and the right mental attitude, more often than not you are going to succeed. You will be amazed at the resources you are able to assemble — your own and those of others — to make success possible.
Third, if the risk you are planning to take (or are currently engaged in) is not right for you, you will start noticing your intuition giving you certain messages (e.g., warnings, more information, barriers, etc.) about it that will help you make the right decision.
The important thing to remember when it comes to taking risks is that you live life only once. Life is too short to be wasted on things you don't want to do or on things that you have done over and over. That’s how comfort zones develop. You don't need to live on the sidelines. Trying to achieve new goals, cross fresh barriers, or develop new skills, will broaden your horizons, generate new knowledge, and expand your repertoire of options and alternatives. With such results there will be no regrets, and you will die knowing that you did the best you could. Start now taking healthy risks. If you believe you can, you can.
-----
Frances Lefkowitz, at wholeliving.com, has an excellent essay entitled, “The importance of taking risks.” At the end of her essay, Lefkowitz discusses “The Rewards of Risk,” and ends her essay saying, “Perhaps the most immediate benefit of risk is that it's simply plain fun. Neuroscientists explain this bliss with biochemistry: New, challenging, and risky activities trigger the release of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that's part of the brain's reward system. Call it the ultimate antidote to boredom -- it's the best way I know of to wake up and feel fully and ecstatically alive.” Lefkowitz also has an essay on “Risk-Taking Tips."
At Accessmy library.com, Mary R. Rolison and Abraham Scherman, have a sophisticated essay entitled, “College student risk-taking from three perspectives.,” that I found both fascinating and enlightening. Rolison and Scherman stated at the outset, “With so many college students taking risks involving so many negative consequences, it would be beneficial to have one general model or framework from which to understand college student risk-taking behavior,” but three were discussed, and no single unifying theory was proposed in the portion available online. First, “one theory indicates that individual traits, such as self-esteem, social skills, impulse control, sensation-seeking, and locus of control, may explain risk-taking.” Second, “problem-behavior theory has been offered as a way to explain risk-taking in adolescents and young adults. Problem behavior theory looks at risk-taking from a developmental and personal environment interaction perspective.” Third, “college student risk-taking could also be explained from the decision-making perspective. Furby and Beyth-Marom have proposed that adolescents may not be capable of competent decision-making.”
-----
Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
New EdgarEWillis.com website unveils on Friday
And Then Some Publishing News
The new EdgarEWillis.com will debut this Friday, October 1, 2010. Check out the new website on Friday... it rocks! (At least we think so.)
Great book reviews every Monday: Book Club... And Then Some!
Thursday's And Then Some Essay preview:
Thursday’s essay is called, "The lessons of college translate well into life." What are the lessons students learn from their college life? So many students today doubt the value of college because they don’t believe, first, that it has any practical value. Will it prepare me for a job? Second, time spent in college is time wasted when it comes to earning money, as far as they’re concerned. And the more time that it takes, the more money lost. Third, it is a lot of work, and they feel they have just put in a lot of work finishing high school, and they just can’t see putting up with a whole lot more of that “crap.”
The lessons of college translate well into life
by Richard L. Weaver II
Excerpt:
Students need to understand that if the point of life is to not just to run the race but to succeed, college helps teach them that what they sacrifice today, they will gain tomorrow. I know that for me college reinforced the importance of hard work, strengthened my ability to work as part of a team, underscored the value of playing by the rules, buttressed the role that rewards played in my life, encouraged my change in direction because of a teacher’s influence, and, in addition, deepened, enriched, and improved my ability to live beyond the college walls.
And Then Some Works!
The new EdgarEWillis.com will debut this Friday, October 1, 2010. Check out the new website on Friday... it rocks! (At least we think so.)
Great book reviews every Monday: Book Club... And Then Some!
Thursday's And Then Some Essay preview:
Thursday’s essay is called, "The lessons of college translate well into life." What are the lessons students learn from their college life? So many students today doubt the value of college because they don’t believe, first, that it has any practical value. Will it prepare me for a job? Second, time spent in college is time wasted when it comes to earning money, as far as they’re concerned. And the more time that it takes, the more money lost. Third, it is a lot of work, and they feel they have just put in a lot of work finishing high school, and they just can’t see putting up with a whole lot more of that “crap.”
The lessons of college translate well into life
by Richard L. Weaver II
Excerpt:
Students need to understand that if the point of life is to not just to run the race but to succeed, college helps teach them that what they sacrifice today, they will gain tomorrow. I know that for me college reinforced the importance of hard work, strengthened my ability to work as part of a team, underscored the value of playing by the rules, buttressed the role that rewards played in my life, encouraged my change in direction because of a teacher’s influence, and, in addition, deepened, enriched, and improved my ability to live beyond the college walls.
And Then Some Works!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Learning how to fly
When I was nineteen and living in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) with my parents, I worked at the United States Information Service (U.S.I.S.) making an enormous amount of money and having no way of spending it all. The choice to take flying lessons occurred because I had the money, time, and interest. The plane was a single engine, dual-open-cockpit, bi-wing, Tiger Moth—the same kind flown by Snoopy — and lessons took place weekly on a remote, unused concrete airstrip outside of Dacca, the capitol city. It was, by far, one of the most exciting, risky, and adventurous events in my life.
Why would my lessons in learning how to fly merit an essay? Because, I feel, the requirements that go into learning how to fly are similar to those that signal when a little bird is ready to leave its nest — or, when a child is ready to leave home. Not to fill the basic prerequisites is likely to create major problems if not disaster.
What I was told as I began my lessons was, first, to take a trial flight just to see what it would be like. It is similar to sticking your big toe into the bathtub to make sure the water isn’t too hot before getting in. That trial flight whet my appetite like nothing else could. The wind, noise, and speed charged-up my engines like only adrenaline could, and it took just one circle around and above the runway to know that I was ready to begin.
Having a skilled (English-speaking) and knowledgeable instructor was important, and after that trial flight we were not back in the air for another week while I read about the instruments, learned the rules, regulations, and laws, and took a very basic medical examination. Admittedly, the instrumentation in the old Tiger Moth airplanes was simple compared with airplanes today, and the rules, regulations, and laws governing our flights (and any future flying I was to do in East Pakistan) was uncomplicated. My physical health turned out to be excellent, and not being prone to heart attacks, effects of heights, or weaknesses in either sight or hearing, my clear bill-of-health allowed lessons to begin at once. My teacher was both patient and understanding, and he relished the opportunity of teaching an American. I was an eager and willing student.
Every lesson I took began with a briefing, and the first one was no exception. The first one included what to do in emergency situations like engine failure or rapidly deteriorating weather, and the first instruction was simulated only. In other briefings, my instructor explained in detail principles behind the forthcoming flight and what I could expect to make sure that I understood what I was about to learn. In every case, too, he gave me plenty of time to ask questions. He knew I couldn’t remember everything, and that much of what he covered would become clear once in the air. The briefings were simply overviews.
My instructor obviously had confidence in me for he let me take control of the instruments the first time we were in the air, and after a number of air maneuvers that helped me understand how the plane moved in response to what I would do in the cockpit, we began to do take-offs and landings, which are—by far—the most difficult part of flying. I found take-offs and landings to be the best part of flying because there were so many variables involved in trying to get them perfect, and, yet, there was such a tremendous sense of satisfaction when everything came together to yield a perfect take-off or landing.
Usually your first solo comes between 10 and 20 hours of time in the air. My first one came between 5 and 10 hours because my instructor felt I was ready. He wanted to know if I thought I was ready, and my reply, as a cocky, confident, and self-assured teenager was, “Definitely.” It was, to be sure, one of the most exciting moments of my life. I’m not certain I would have been ready to handle an emergency situation at that early stage in my training; however, the goal of my instructor — on that very calm (no wind at all) and beautiful day — was to instill greater confidence and certainty in my skills and abilities.
Given the same situation, if I had been the instructor, I don’t think I would have been as willing to turn that Tiger Moth — one of the sources of my income as the instructor — over to a brash and arrogant American 19-year-old!
I remember it well. The take-off went smoothly, and there was a wonderful sense of command and control knowing that I was in charge of this airplane. I rose from the end of the runway out over the lush, uninhabited, green of the forests below, and once I leveled-off at about 500 feet off the ground, I banked into a comfortable left turn, and I could look down on the runway not far below. I could even see my instructor standing and watching me. I made a big arc, and I gave myself plenty of room as I made the final left bank to line myself up with the runway out ahead of me. There was no center line because this was a very old, unused airstrip, so I just centered my plane as best I could and slowly began to push the yoke (or stick) away from me to lose altitude. Fortunately, I was right on target gauging from the number of practice runs I had taken with the instructor, and as I came closer to the runway, I adjusted my flight altitude by pulling the yoke toward me to bring the nose up, up, and further up until I felt the wheels hit the runway. It was a perfect landing, and I simply used the rudder to control my path down the runway, ever so slowly beginning to brake my speed until I came to a complete stop. What a thrill that was.
There was no computer screen, no auto-pilot, and no bells and whistles. There was a great deal of control over everything that happened, and my confidence was rewarded.
There really isn’t a great deal of risk in learning to fly. It is, instead, depending on what you have learned, practicing the fundamentals, and relying on yourself — your knowledge, your experience, and your skills and abilities. If you do what you know you will be successful.
Learning how to fly — becoming independent — is much the same as learning how to fly. Learn the fundamentals, gain as much experience as possible, then rely on yourself. Many people say it requires a willingness to let go; however, I would contend that it requires use of all your resources. Your instructor — just like your knowledge and experience — stay with you and, mentally, continue to provide suggestions and guidance. You never “let go.” If you have the commitment and the patience, you, too, can learn to fly.
-----
At the Silver Express website, in an essay from the 1996 Flight Training magazine, “Twenty life lessons I learned from becoming a pilot,” Susan E. Paul said she learned patience, the need to keep a step ahead, how to communicate effective, clearly, and concisely, conserve and control your energy, be thorough and precise, relax, face your fears, take care of yourself physically and mentally, use all of your senses, know yourself, focus, practice and be proficient at the basics, be light at the controls, accept responsibility, know your priorities, follow through to the end, be courteous, persistent, flexible, and to keep it simple. In the essay Paul discusses each of these elements.
At the Lessons From the Cockpit website, Christopher Laney writes an essay, “White-Knuckle Living: How to Succeed by Letting Go,” (really just a post on his blog), where he talks about the lessons he learned from learning how to fly: 1) give yourself permission to make mistakes, 2) recognize that you know more than you think you know, and 3) let go (which is the best entry and includes five separate items that tend to hold people back). Also, Laney has included 22 reader comments to his post.
-----
Copyright September, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Why would my lessons in learning how to fly merit an essay? Because, I feel, the requirements that go into learning how to fly are similar to those that signal when a little bird is ready to leave its nest — or, when a child is ready to leave home. Not to fill the basic prerequisites is likely to create major problems if not disaster.
What I was told as I began my lessons was, first, to take a trial flight just to see what it would be like. It is similar to sticking your big toe into the bathtub to make sure the water isn’t too hot before getting in. That trial flight whet my appetite like nothing else could. The wind, noise, and speed charged-up my engines like only adrenaline could, and it took just one circle around and above the runway to know that I was ready to begin.
Having a skilled (English-speaking) and knowledgeable instructor was important, and after that trial flight we were not back in the air for another week while I read about the instruments, learned the rules, regulations, and laws, and took a very basic medical examination. Admittedly, the instrumentation in the old Tiger Moth airplanes was simple compared with airplanes today, and the rules, regulations, and laws governing our flights (and any future flying I was to do in East Pakistan) was uncomplicated. My physical health turned out to be excellent, and not being prone to heart attacks, effects of heights, or weaknesses in either sight or hearing, my clear bill-of-health allowed lessons to begin at once. My teacher was both patient and understanding, and he relished the opportunity of teaching an American. I was an eager and willing student.
Every lesson I took began with a briefing, and the first one was no exception. The first one included what to do in emergency situations like engine failure or rapidly deteriorating weather, and the first instruction was simulated only. In other briefings, my instructor explained in detail principles behind the forthcoming flight and what I could expect to make sure that I understood what I was about to learn. In every case, too, he gave me plenty of time to ask questions. He knew I couldn’t remember everything, and that much of what he covered would become clear once in the air. The briefings were simply overviews.
My instructor obviously had confidence in me for he let me take control of the instruments the first time we were in the air, and after a number of air maneuvers that helped me understand how the plane moved in response to what I would do in the cockpit, we began to do take-offs and landings, which are—by far—the most difficult part of flying. I found take-offs and landings to be the best part of flying because there were so many variables involved in trying to get them perfect, and, yet, there was such a tremendous sense of satisfaction when everything came together to yield a perfect take-off or landing.
Usually your first solo comes between 10 and 20 hours of time in the air. My first one came between 5 and 10 hours because my instructor felt I was ready. He wanted to know if I thought I was ready, and my reply, as a cocky, confident, and self-assured teenager was, “Definitely.” It was, to be sure, one of the most exciting moments of my life. I’m not certain I would have been ready to handle an emergency situation at that early stage in my training; however, the goal of my instructor — on that very calm (no wind at all) and beautiful day — was to instill greater confidence and certainty in my skills and abilities.
Given the same situation, if I had been the instructor, I don’t think I would have been as willing to turn that Tiger Moth — one of the sources of my income as the instructor — over to a brash and arrogant American 19-year-old!
I remember it well. The take-off went smoothly, and there was a wonderful sense of command and control knowing that I was in charge of this airplane. I rose from the end of the runway out over the lush, uninhabited, green of the forests below, and once I leveled-off at about 500 feet off the ground, I banked into a comfortable left turn, and I could look down on the runway not far below. I could even see my instructor standing and watching me. I made a big arc, and I gave myself plenty of room as I made the final left bank to line myself up with the runway out ahead of me. There was no center line because this was a very old, unused airstrip, so I just centered my plane as best I could and slowly began to push the yoke (or stick) away from me to lose altitude. Fortunately, I was right on target gauging from the number of practice runs I had taken with the instructor, and as I came closer to the runway, I adjusted my flight altitude by pulling the yoke toward me to bring the nose up, up, and further up until I felt the wheels hit the runway. It was a perfect landing, and I simply used the rudder to control my path down the runway, ever so slowly beginning to brake my speed until I came to a complete stop. What a thrill that was.
There was no computer screen, no auto-pilot, and no bells and whistles. There was a great deal of control over everything that happened, and my confidence was rewarded.
There really isn’t a great deal of risk in learning to fly. It is, instead, depending on what you have learned, practicing the fundamentals, and relying on yourself — your knowledge, your experience, and your skills and abilities. If you do what you know you will be successful.
Learning how to fly — becoming independent — is much the same as learning how to fly. Learn the fundamentals, gain as much experience as possible, then rely on yourself. Many people say it requires a willingness to let go; however, I would contend that it requires use of all your resources. Your instructor — just like your knowledge and experience — stay with you and, mentally, continue to provide suggestions and guidance. You never “let go.” If you have the commitment and the patience, you, too, can learn to fly.
-----
At the Silver Express website, in an essay from the 1996 Flight Training magazine, “Twenty life lessons I learned from becoming a pilot,” Susan E. Paul said she learned patience, the need to keep a step ahead, how to communicate effective, clearly, and concisely, conserve and control your energy, be thorough and precise, relax, face your fears, take care of yourself physically and mentally, use all of your senses, know yourself, focus, practice and be proficient at the basics, be light at the controls, accept responsibility, know your priorities, follow through to the end, be courteous, persistent, flexible, and to keep it simple. In the essay Paul discusses each of these elements.
At the Lessons From the Cockpit website, Christopher Laney writes an essay, “White-Knuckle Living: How to Succeed by Letting Go,” (really just a post on his blog), where he talks about the lessons he learned from learning how to fly: 1) give yourself permission to make mistakes, 2) recognize that you know more than you think you know, and 3) let go (which is the best entry and includes five separate items that tend to hold people back). Also, Laney has included 22 reader comments to his post.
-----
Copyright September, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Assholes at work
I’ve always assumed the best when encountering other people, and it takes me a long time to form an opinion so severe and critical that I could actually label someone “asshole.” Although I’ll admit the word is in my vocabulary, there are few instances when I use it, nor would want to use it. More often than not, my use of the word is in retrospect, a little like Monday-morning quarterbacking, when you look back on a situation, analyze it, and then realize that the negative consequences occurred simply because someone was acting like a total jerk.
I had a brother-in-law like that who always seemed to take a contrary position in discussions just to antagonize and provoke. He loved the verbal battle. I had a colleague like that as well who all faculty members tried to avoid. It seemed the faculty members of our small department would almost always see eye-to-eye, even agree to disagree at times, but got along with each other famously except when this one person would become involved. It was as if a discordant ingredient was put into a recipe that seemed to spoil the overall flavor, texture, or appearance. Without it, no problem; with it, yuck!
It seems as if this world is more full of assholes today than in the past. I’m talking here about people who quickly, and often thoughtlessly, throw out personal insults, invade our personal space, make uninvited physical contact, use verbal and nonverbal means to threaten and intimidate, use unwanted sarcastic jokes, offer-up withering e-mail flames, inject rude interruptions into conversations, appear two-faced—one face cordial and accommodating, the other face condemning, vilifying, and attacking—ready to give dirty looks (in Hawaii they call it “stink-eye”) at a moment’s displeasure, and treating others as if they are invisible.
For this list, and for stimulating this essay, I am indebted to Robert I. Sutton and his book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t (Warner Business Books, 2007). My list of characteristics, above, comes from his list of “Common Everyday Actions That Assholes Use” (p. 10). I have avoided using quotation marks throughout most of this essay for ease of reading, but I acknowledge my dependence on this terrific book that is well worth reading.
The best way I have found to successfully deal with assholes is to avoid them, or, in a business, get rid of them. Sometimes it is a matter of proceeding with the first approach— avoidance—until the second takes place—departure. Looking back, in all cases that I can recall, this was exactly the procedure that took place.
In talking with my father-in-law, a former department chairperson, one faculty member was not only an asshole, continued to provoke and display his negative personality on a daily basis, affected everyone’s demeanor and morale, became known throughout the profession and university for just what he was, and — to everyone’s delight and amusement — ended up taking a faculty position at a university in Australia. Out of sight, out of mind! (The trail of negative memories and stories, however, paved a muddy and treacherous course of recollections well beyond his presence in this country.)
My problem with Sutton’s top ten steps, “Enforcing the No Asshole Rule,” is simple. It is difficult to detect assholes, because they are so good at disguising themselves before people who do not know them. So often, when you meet for the first time a person who has been labeled an asshole, recognized as an asshole, and roundly supported as an asshole by people you respect and admire, you are astounded at what you discover. Here, you think, is one of the most cordial, friendly, warm, genial, affable, amiable, pleasant, polite, warmhearted, and good-natured people on the face of the earth! The critics must be wrong!
The key, I’m afraid, is to base your judgment on that of those who are credible and whom you trust and respect. What other recourse do you have? In an organization, Sutton claims, assholes hire other assholes, so get rid of them fast. Treat them as incompetent employees. Remember power breeds nastiness. “Beware that giving people — even seemingly nice and sensitive people — even a little power can turn them into big jerks” (p. 90), says Sutton. In dealing with them, you must develop a culture in which people know how to argue and when to stop fighting. Often, it means gathering more evidence, listening to other people, and implementing decisions even when the asshole disagrees with them.
Although it is important to emphasize — in business, education, or even in small meetings — that treating people with respect rather than contempt makes good sense, it doesn’t always register with those for whom the words should resonate the loudest. The resonation falls on deaf ears — or rebounds with no purpose or direction within an empty head, if it makes it that far — especially when things are going badly!
When you have to hunker down and take it, here are some of the suggestions Sutton makes for surviving nasty people. First, reframe the situation to escape the source of stress and reduce the damage being done to you. Above all, avoid self-blame, hope for the best while expecting the worst, and develop indifference and emotional detachment. Second, look for and celebrate small wins. “The advantage of taking small actions is that they bring about noticeable and typically successful changes” (p. 140), says Sutton. “Using a small-wins strategy can enhance your feelings of control, make things around you a little better, and maybe — just maybe — chip away at the vile and vicious culture in which you are trapped and start making it a bit better” (p. 147). Third, limit your exposure to dampen the damage that assholes do. Fourth, build pockets of safety, support, and sanity. When you can hide, hangout with decent people, or engage supportive family and friends in constructive, positive, and helpful conversations, often these social networks can buffer you against the stress of working with an asshole.
One problem with assholes is the residual effect they can have on your mind, mentality, and memory. Just writing this essay, for example, brings back memories I would rather not entertain. Forgiving and forgetting is a great thought, but sometimes doesn’t serve to purge such experiences. Although Sutton discusses both revenge and calling their bluff, I have seldom seen these tactics work well. There are some tactics that work and that are discussed above, and they may be all you have. Fortunately, assholes make up a small percentage of the population!
----
At the HuffingtonPost.com, Robert Sutton writes, “The No Asshole Rule: Part 1,” where, in his own words, “I thought it would be fun to introduce the book to Huffington Post readers by sharing 13 of the most fascinating and funny things that have happened so far [since his book was published]. The first six are in this post the other seven in my next post.”
At Bob Sutton’s own website, he offers an essay, “Updated Tips for Victims of Workplace Assholes,” which he introduces with the paragraph, “I’ve talked a lot here about methods for enduring abusive bosses and co-workers. Some of these tips come from your comments and e-mails, some from the No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I thought it would be useful to list some of the most effective methods in one place. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!” He gives six or seven tips then includes numerous comments from messages he receives at the website.
-----
Copyright July, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
I had a brother-in-law like that who always seemed to take a contrary position in discussions just to antagonize and provoke. He loved the verbal battle. I had a colleague like that as well who all faculty members tried to avoid. It seemed the faculty members of our small department would almost always see eye-to-eye, even agree to disagree at times, but got along with each other famously except when this one person would become involved. It was as if a discordant ingredient was put into a recipe that seemed to spoil the overall flavor, texture, or appearance. Without it, no problem; with it, yuck!
It seems as if this world is more full of assholes today than in the past. I’m talking here about people who quickly, and often thoughtlessly, throw out personal insults, invade our personal space, make uninvited physical contact, use verbal and nonverbal means to threaten and intimidate, use unwanted sarcastic jokes, offer-up withering e-mail flames, inject rude interruptions into conversations, appear two-faced—one face cordial and accommodating, the other face condemning, vilifying, and attacking—ready to give dirty looks (in Hawaii they call it “stink-eye”) at a moment’s displeasure, and treating others as if they are invisible.
For this list, and for stimulating this essay, I am indebted to Robert I. Sutton and his book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t (Warner Business Books, 2007). My list of characteristics, above, comes from his list of “Common Everyday Actions That Assholes Use” (p. 10). I have avoided using quotation marks throughout most of this essay for ease of reading, but I acknowledge my dependence on this terrific book that is well worth reading.
The best way I have found to successfully deal with assholes is to avoid them, or, in a business, get rid of them. Sometimes it is a matter of proceeding with the first approach— avoidance—until the second takes place—departure. Looking back, in all cases that I can recall, this was exactly the procedure that took place.
In talking with my father-in-law, a former department chairperson, one faculty member was not only an asshole, continued to provoke and display his negative personality on a daily basis, affected everyone’s demeanor and morale, became known throughout the profession and university for just what he was, and — to everyone’s delight and amusement — ended up taking a faculty position at a university in Australia. Out of sight, out of mind! (The trail of negative memories and stories, however, paved a muddy and treacherous course of recollections well beyond his presence in this country.)
My problem with Sutton’s top ten steps, “Enforcing the No Asshole Rule,” is simple. It is difficult to detect assholes, because they are so good at disguising themselves before people who do not know them. So often, when you meet for the first time a person who has been labeled an asshole, recognized as an asshole, and roundly supported as an asshole by people you respect and admire, you are astounded at what you discover. Here, you think, is one of the most cordial, friendly, warm, genial, affable, amiable, pleasant, polite, warmhearted, and good-natured people on the face of the earth! The critics must be wrong!
The key, I’m afraid, is to base your judgment on that of those who are credible and whom you trust and respect. What other recourse do you have? In an organization, Sutton claims, assholes hire other assholes, so get rid of them fast. Treat them as incompetent employees. Remember power breeds nastiness. “Beware that giving people — even seemingly nice and sensitive people — even a little power can turn them into big jerks” (p. 90), says Sutton. In dealing with them, you must develop a culture in which people know how to argue and when to stop fighting. Often, it means gathering more evidence, listening to other people, and implementing decisions even when the asshole disagrees with them.
Although it is important to emphasize — in business, education, or even in small meetings — that treating people with respect rather than contempt makes good sense, it doesn’t always register with those for whom the words should resonate the loudest. The resonation falls on deaf ears — or rebounds with no purpose or direction within an empty head, if it makes it that far — especially when things are going badly!
When you have to hunker down and take it, here are some of the suggestions Sutton makes for surviving nasty people. First, reframe the situation to escape the source of stress and reduce the damage being done to you. Above all, avoid self-blame, hope for the best while expecting the worst, and develop indifference and emotional detachment. Second, look for and celebrate small wins. “The advantage of taking small actions is that they bring about noticeable and typically successful changes” (p. 140), says Sutton. “Using a small-wins strategy can enhance your feelings of control, make things around you a little better, and maybe — just maybe — chip away at the vile and vicious culture in which you are trapped and start making it a bit better” (p. 147). Third, limit your exposure to dampen the damage that assholes do. Fourth, build pockets of safety, support, and sanity. When you can hide, hangout with decent people, or engage supportive family and friends in constructive, positive, and helpful conversations, often these social networks can buffer you against the stress of working with an asshole.
One problem with assholes is the residual effect they can have on your mind, mentality, and memory. Just writing this essay, for example, brings back memories I would rather not entertain. Forgiving and forgetting is a great thought, but sometimes doesn’t serve to purge such experiences. Although Sutton discusses both revenge and calling their bluff, I have seldom seen these tactics work well. There are some tactics that work and that are discussed above, and they may be all you have. Fortunately, assholes make up a small percentage of the population!
----
At the HuffingtonPost.com, Robert Sutton writes, “The No Asshole Rule: Part 1,” where, in his own words, “I thought it would be fun to introduce the book to Huffington Post readers by sharing 13 of the most fascinating and funny things that have happened so far [since his book was published]. The first six are in this post the other seven in my next post.”
At Bob Sutton’s own website, he offers an essay, “Updated Tips for Victims of Workplace Assholes,” which he introduces with the paragraph, “I’ve talked a lot here about methods for enduring abusive bosses and co-workers. Some of these tips come from your comments and e-mails, some from the No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I thought it would be useful to list some of the most effective methods in one place. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!” He gives six or seven tips then includes numerous comments from messages he receives at the website.
-----
Copyright July, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
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