Christmas jokes

I decided to compose a different kind of essay to celebrate Christmas this year.  Here, then, I have listed some of my favorite Christmas jokes.  Although some of the jokes are clearly better than others; there is no order in their presentation here.  Some are a little more sophisticated than others, but most are quite silly.  I begin with one that fits the “silly” category very well—and I apologize in advance. 

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." 

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"  

A second joke.  On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. 

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 

The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."  Now, I like that joke, and for much the same reason, I like the next one, too. 

A third joke.  Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

The third man answers, "They're Carol's." 

Christmas jokes would not be complete without at least one stupid one.  One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. 

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." 

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." 

I would love to say this next joke is original, but it isn’t.  None of them are; however, this one reveals my respect for proper pronunciation.  In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. 

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. 

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here,  The three wise man came from afar.'" 

Sometimes the short Christmas jokes work well to grab attention and provide a quick guffaw. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?  Santa Clues! 

Let me end with a politically correct Christmas:  On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) 

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. 

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. 

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At this web site, you will find a wide variety of Christmas jokes.

At About.com , there are a large variety of Christmas jokes.

The Family Yak web site, Bernadette Dimitrov has an essay in which she includes, “7 Classic Christmas Jokes: Guaranteed to Get a Laugh!”  One of them is a “knock-knock joke,” and the other six are standard two-liners.  Then she goes on in her essay to talk briefly about laughter.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.