A small, friendly corporate takeover

by Richard L. Weaver II

It came unannounced, and I was totally unprepared. On a calm, beautiful, fall day, I was working at my computer writing an essay when the phone rang. At first, because of the official-sounding voice on the other end, it sounded like a telemarketing call, but, being on the National Do Not Call Registry made that unlikely. The voice on the other end simply said, “Is Dr. Richard L. Weaver II there?”

I answered, “This is him.”

(I thought maybe I had won a lottery, although I have never in my life entered one, or maybe this was how the “home makeover” people made their first contacts. I expected his next comment to be, “How are you today, Dr. Weaver?” — which is how many telemarketers make it appear they not only know you but are actually concerned about your health!)

“Dr. Weaver, this is Earl Knightly, President and CEO of Earl Knightly Enterprises, an international conglomerate of publishers, and we are interested in your future plans regarding And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.,” he said in an austere and spartan manner.

Taken by surprise, I really didn’t know how to respond. First, I wondered, what business was it of anyone else about my publishing company? Second, I had no information at all on Earl Knightly or Earl Knightly Enterprises. Third, I had never thought about the future plans regarding And Then Some Publishing. We are a small publishing company producing motivational types of books, and our goal is to be successful (to make some money!).

“Mr. Knightly,” I said rather hesitatingly, “I am interested in why you might be asking me this question?”

“Dr. Weaver,” he repeated, “We are an international conglomerate made up of a wide variety of small publishers, and we are always on the lookout for successful small publishers, like yourself, who have excellent products, a successful marketing strategy, and a powerful, positive, and impressive footprint on the Internet, who might be interested in growing quickly from the advantage of an international marketing strategy.”

“Go on,” I said, still revealing a great deal of skepticism in my voice.

“What we have to offer you, Dr. Weaver, is a five-fold strategy for advancing the interests, prospects, and success of your company. First, we will assure that you have the right global image. It will be a cost-savings image because it will target only those who may have interest in your products, and we will market to affluent customers — our primary audience. Your business cards and envelopes will reflect the high quality and top design marketing materials from our world-class artists and will reflect the exact image you are trying to present.

“Second, Dr. Weaver, our in-house writing specialists will create a sophisticated slogan that will be a mini-vision statement of your company. It will be carefully crafted to convey the standards and mission of your company. It will be brief and incisive to encapsulate your strengths and yet fit into the intercontinental matrix our company represents.

“Third, Dr. Weaver, with our background and history, we offer you a well-tested and well-developed marketing plan. Our global marketing plan targets customers, listens to them, and spells out your company's objectives. We possess a proven strategy for producing customer growth, and we have already done the surveys and conducted the polls to determine your company's position in the worldwide marketplace. The features and benefits of your company will be promoted both uniquely as a separate entity and, too, as part and parcel of Knightly Enterprises which will offer even greater credibility, integrity, and visibility.

“Fourth, Dr. Weaver, and this is important. Knightly Enterprises, because of its size and presence in the marketplace, is at the very forefront of technology-driven companies. We always have the latest version of equipment. Our software is updated on a daily basis, our communication system continues to be outstanding, and our multi-faceted, multi-pronged, customer-relations’ programs have been rated among the top in the world.

“Fifth, Dr. Weaver, is pricing. Knightly Enterprises will evaluate your pricing monthly to see if we can increase your bottom-line profit. We will take the responsibility for checking out the competition to see what they are charging for competitive merchandise. We will evaluate all your costs and show you why one of the strengths of consolidating is a cost-savings that will immediately appear on your bottom line.

“You can see, Dr. Weaver, how working with Knightly Enterprises can benefit your company. We will not only help you organize and manage And Then Some Publishing L.L.C., but we will, as well, assume all the risks of your business. Knightly Enterprises lives in the future. All those who work with us have creative personalities. They are remarkably innovative with a long track record of accomplishment and success. Further, they thrive on change, adaptation, adjustment, and transformation.

“Do you have any questions, Dr. Weaver?”

“I understand what you are saying, Mr. Knightly,” I said without pause, “But I would really like to know what you are offering or suggesting?”

“That’s an excellent question,” he responded immediately. “What I would like to do is have several representatives from our Board of Directors make a personal visit. I would like you to have a chance to meet them in person and talk with them regarding possibilities.”

“Is that something that can happen in the near future?,” I asked.

“Well, we are a global company, and those who sit on our Board come from various parts of the world. But, because of our interest in your company, and how we feel it fits into the Knightly Enterprises amalgamation, I think we could assemble Board representatives to meet with you next week if that would fit into your schedule?”

“I think something can be worked out,” I said. “I would like to have all partners in the And Then Some Publishing L.L.C. corporation at the meeting, if that would be all right?”

“That is what we would prefer,” said Mr. Knightly. “And, I would like to be present, too, along with my Board members. I will have my secretary stay on the line to talk with you and arrange a meeting.”

“That will be fine.”

“Thank you Dr. Weaver for your time. And, thank you, too, for your interest in meeting with us. I look forward to meeting you personally.”*



* The meeting was scheduled for April 1st. It never took place, but all those concerned had a small, friendly corporate laugh — and enjoyed the joke.

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At the Museum of Hoaxes website, the title of the entry is, “The Top 100 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of All Time.” If you haven’t read these, you’ll love them — or, if you have read them before, they offer a pleasant re-experience!

The April Fool’s Jokes website, has an incredible YouTube presentation labeled, “Best early 2008 April Fools Joke,” about Kyle Kendrick (of Philadelphia) being traded to Japan. Watch the 4-minute, 49-second video for a real treat. You will laugh along with the players. Guaranteed!

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Copyright April 1, 2009 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.