Difficult personalities: A practical guide to managing the hurtful behavior of others (and maybe your own)

Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

Difficult personalities: A practical guide to managing the hurtful behavior of others (and maybe your own)

By Helen McGrath and Hazel Edwards 

Here is what I like about this 285-page book.  First, it is a practical book full of specific, applicable, and relevant suggestions.  The various strategies covered in each chapter is overwhelming.  Having written about this topic myself, I find their ideas useful and valuable.

Second, the various sections throughout the book are short and to the point.  There is little excess, padding, or what some people might refer to as flotsam and jetsam.  It is a tight book that is well-organized.

Third, the topics covered are important and relevant.  The authors deal with incompatible personalities (e.g., extroverts versus introverts, planners versus optionizers, and thinkers versus feelers), frustrating and annoying personality patterns (e.g., negativity, superiority, and bossiness), confusing personality types (e.g., the anxious personality, the inflexible personality, and the demanding personality), damaging personalities (e.g., the passive-aggressive personality, the bullying personality, and the sociopathic personality), and a part, too, on strategies (e.g., for coping with sociopaths, dealing with difficult situations and relationships, rational and irrational thinking, healthy self-assertion, and sections on managing anger (your own and others), and conflict, as well as a section on developing the skills necessary for maintaining a strong romantic partnership).

The weaknesses of the book include, first, that it tends to be a bit dry — a bit like a classroom textbook.

Second, the number of examples are useful, but they tend to be fewer than in many similar books; thus, trying to stay with the book is difficult.  Those used are fine; however, many more throughout the book would make it more user-friendly.

Third, I think the best use of the book is as a reference tool.  For those in relationships or in business where different personalities always exist and must always deal with each other in various ways, it is great to have a reference book to which you can go at once to find practical, specific, and well-grounded advice.

Overall, the book is solid, and I recommend it; however, be aware of what you are getting.  This is not a light read even though it is well-written and gets to the point in each chapter. 

Available at Amazon.com for $14.95 or LESS: Difficult personalities: A practical guide to managing the hurtful behavior of others (and maybe your own) 

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

 

The Texan says, "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

 

The Kerry farmer says, "Ah sure, I know, sir.  We have tractors like that over here, too."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #176 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

The messages people don’t want to hear

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    

What prompted me to make a return visit to my seven “Messages” essays is the current state of politics in America.  This is not designed as a political essay, and I am trying not to take sides; however, the political climate, best symbolized in the expression, “the party of ‘no,’” brought my “Messages” essays to mind.  I haven’t written an essay entitled, “Messages Politicians Need to Hear,” but the political climate certainly encourages me to make the effort.  It would easily fall into line with six of the other seven “Messages” essays, the essential message of which is: “take responsibility for yourself and your behavior.”
    
Forget about potential political ramifications; forget about the rejectionist strategy they're following (oppose Democratics at every turn, regardless of policy difference) as a political tool; and forget prognosticators who predict outcomes of such behavior (benefits or mistakes?), because what it all boils down to—no matter which side you’re on—a complete abdication of responsibility.  It’s obstructionist politics and political score settling at its worst, and it is our country and its citizens who suffer the most.  

It doesn’t matter what the issue is, whether it is spending, taxes, unemployment benefits, jobs, the environment, support for small businesses, energy, intervention in the economy, etc., one side is opposed to change of any kind if it is supported by the administration.  That doesn’t reveal politicians representing their citizens and the country.  (Of course, some would claim that’s exactly what it is.)  What does it reveal?  Selfishness, self-interest, self-serving, self-indulgent, and self-importance.  
    
When it all comes down to the two positions: 1) Democrats are helped if any bill passes, and, 2) Republicans make gains if any bill the administration supports fails, then our country and its citizens are left bereft of any concern by those chosen to represent them.  Our country and its citizens are, as a result, not part of the equation and play no role in what takes place in congress..  
    
It is too bad that integrity, common sense, and responsibility are not characteristics one would assign to most of our congressmen.  It’s too bad that more of them cannot feel liberated from an urgent need to satisfy their interpretation of the feelings and needs of their constituents as well as their donors and interest groups.   It’s too bad more of them cannot become freed from the shackles of party loyalty and be spared attack by the opposition so they can vote intelligently, vote their conscience, and vote in favor of positive, productive change for the good.  It is only upon the announcement of retirement when this can or does this take place—if at all.
    
Here is what Lee Hamilton, vice chairman of the 9/11 Commission, served for 34 years in Congress representing Indiana's Ninth District, currently serving on the President's Homeland Security Advisory Council, and director of the Woodrow Wilson Center on Congress at Indiana University, writes about the job of a congressman, “Politicians keep the country going by accommodating different points of view and developing consensus. It really does take a lot of skills to be an effective congressman, but the skill of bringing people together, finding agreed-upon solutions to our nation's problems, is perhaps the greatest skill of all. Without that skill the country would come apart at the seams.”  That would be my expectation as well.  Does that sound like it represents politicians who have been labeled by some, “the party of ‘no’”?
    
I have always believed that my representatives—whether senators or members of the House---operate with the “consent of the governed.”  Their job is to strive to make sure that their constituents' voices are heard and their interests are fairly considered within the federal system.
    
As I was looking for information for this essay, I came across the following ezine@rticle, “A Job Description for Congress,” by S. Vance: 

          “Wanted. Genial, ethical, trustworthy, highly intelligent, photogenic worker who plays well     with others. Must be willing to fight tooth and nail for the interests of his or her region while also maintaining a national perspective [italics mine]. Will be responsible for approximately 750,000 to several million customers, depending on the region. Must be able to work independently, but not TOO independently.”
    
What I found interesting is that my seven essays on “Messages,” reflect many of the same problems even though they focus on other groups.  For example, “The Message Citizens Don’t Want to Hear,” discusses the responsibility that citizens have to vote: “The problem is that democracies require more than just an occasional vote from its citizens to remain healthy. It may well be that the lack of steady attention, time, and commitment from many people has resulted in where we are today and what we have. I’m not saying that it did, but I would contend that with greater information, more informed (and perhaps better) choices would and could be made.”  
    
In “The Message Men Don’t Want to Hear,” I claim, “If we are to have a generation of civil, slender, readers, with manners, then it is mandatory that parents take charge. Children and teenagers will be as responsible as their parents were in raising them. Sure, it’s a message parents don’t want to hear, but it is a message of parental responsibility that is important to society as well as the next generation.”  In “The Message Relationship Partners Don’t Want to Hear,” the problem is commitment: “One area of relationships those who are just starting out either don’t realize, don’t understand, or simply don’t know is what a “commitment” to a relationship means.”  Do our congressmen know what a commitment to represent our country and its citizens mean?
    
In the essay, “The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear,” I end the essay saying: “Drop the excuses, change your attitude, and recognize that it’s all up to you!”  In, “The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear,” my final line in the essay reads, “Just remember that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.”
    
Here’s my point.  People must take responsibility for their lives, true, but they must be responsible, too, to the job at hand—whether it is citizens, relationship partners, men, women, or politicians.  They must take responsibility for those who voted them into office.  Voted them into office!
-----
Although the web site is biased, but Timothy Delasandro writes an interesting essay, “What We Want in Our Next Congressman."   His prerequisites: 1. We want a Congressman that will actually vote our values.  2.We want a Congressman that is available to us.  3. We want a Congressman that isn’t a professional politician.

At the Examiner web site, Dave Benjamin writes an essay entitled, “Congressman discusses responsibilities of office ‘It’s not easy,’  Holt says during visit to classes at Marlboro High School.”  Benjamin talks about Rep. Rush Holt and quotes him as saying: "It’s part of my job to give voice to what’s on your mind and to represent you in that way." But how long does this intention last when money, lobbyists, and special interests raise their ugly head.
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Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Day #234 - Take criticism lightly, but learn from it.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"When you hear that people have criticized you, simply reply that had they known the rest of your faults, they would not have ended their criticism having mentioned only these alone." --Richard L. Weaver II

Day #234 - Take criticism lightly, but learn from it.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  This is just one of four motivational quotations on Day #234.
Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

Interview with Author Richard L. Weaver II, New Blog Design, and Thursday Essay Preview

Blog Design Changes

Have you seen our redesigned blogs?  If you're getting our blog via email and haven't visited our online blogs, you're in for a treat!  Our goal was to create a better navigation system throughout our blogs.  Using the colored navigation tabs above, you can easily click to the news, quotes, essays, fine art+, jokes... and then some!  Each blog open in a new tab in your browser. We hope this will help you keep track of where you started from.  Everyone dislikes getting lost in links and hitting the "back" button in our browsers ad nauseam.  Our brain gets fried and we end up not caring where we started from.

Here's a great place to start... Let's Laugh

New Video Interview with Richard L. Weaver II

And Then Some Book 1 has been hard to describe.  There are 50 essays covering a variety of subjects from self-improvement, public speaking, relationships, travel, and more.  Richard L. Weaver II and Anthony Weaver discuss how And Then Some Publishing's first book came to fruition, and Dr. Weaver's inspiration and approach to this book.

See lots more videos with author Richard L. Weaver II via ANTworkstudio YouTube Channel

Thursday's Essay Preview

What prompted me to make a return visit to my seven “Messages” essays, is the current state of politics in America.  This is not designed as a political essay, and I am trying not to take sides; however, the political climate, best symbolized in the expression, “the party of ‘no,’” brought my “Messages” essays to mind.  I haven’t written an essay entitled, “Messages Politicians Need to Hear,” but the political climate certainly encourages me to make the effort.  It would easily fall into line with six of the other seven “Messages” essays, the essential message of which is: “take responsibility for yourself and your behavior.”

Thursday's Essay Excerpt

In the essay, “The Message Students Don’t Want to Hear,” I end the essay saying: “Drop the excuses, change your attitude, and recognize that it’s all up to you!”  In, “The Message Women Don’t Want to Hear,” my final line in the essay reads, “Just remember that, in the end, the burden for the strength and endurance of your relationship falls squarely on your shoulders.”

Mandela’s Way: Fifteen lessons on life, love, and courage

Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

Mandela’s Way: Fifteen lessons on life, love, and courage

By Richard Stengel

Before embarking on this book, know what you’re getting.  This is not a biography.  As a self-help book, it does not contain earth-shattering, newly discovered, unique ideas that will move you from where you are to where you want to be.  Also, it is not an in-depth examination of any aspect of Mandela’s life.

It is, indeed, an easily digestible, comfortable collection of vignettes written by an editor of Time magazine who has “distilled countless hours of intimate conversation [and experiences] with Mandela into fifteen essential life lessons.  For nearly three years,” the front flyleaf of the book continues, “Stengel collaborated with Mandela on his autobiography and traveled with him everywhere.  Eating with him, watching him campaign, hearing him think out loud, Stengel came to know all the different sides of this complex man and became a cherished friend and colleague.”

The book gives you but a glimpse of the man; however, if that is all you want or care about, you get solid and interesting insights.

There are several things I really enjoyed about this book.  First, it offered me more than enough information about Mandela.  I really needed to know nothing more!

Second, the personal insights and observations were delightful.  I didn’t just enjoy the information Stengel shared with readers, but even more, I enjoyed the manner in which it was shared.  Stengel is a good writer, and the material flows effortlessly and comfortably; thus, reading the book is a pleasure.

Third, the stories, anecdotes, experiences, and insights are wonderfully engaging.  This is truly an entertaining book.

Fourth, it is a quick read.  It is a small book to begin with, and with each line widely separated from the one before and the one after, there are only 25 lines on a page.  Also, with only 239 pages of content, it is a very quick read.

Fifth, although the “lessons” are not earth-shattering, as noted above, it is always nice to have some fundamentals reinforced.  Lessons include: courage is not the absence of fear, be measured, lead from the front, lead from the back, look the part, have a core principle, see the good in others, now your enemy, keep your rivals close, know when to say no, it’s a long game, love makes the difference, quitting is leading too, it’s always both, and find your own garden.

Jill Guntur of New York ended her review of the book at Amazon.com in this way: “This wonderful book takes you through the life of Nelson Mandela from his childhood, through the freedom fighter days, into prison and the incredible journey of 27 years that could not destroy his soul, and then into his life after and his second marriage. It is an inspiring book and is beautifully written.”  I couldn’t agree more.

Get this book at Amazon.com:

Mandela’s Way: Fifteen lessons on life, love, and courage -  By Richard Stengel

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.  It's perfect."

 

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #167 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

Self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivation: Like 3 peas in a pod

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

From where does hard work, pressure to excel, push, and drive originate?  In the final analysis, it doesn’t come from friends, parents, siblings, or teachers, although all of these can lend some assistance.  Look at the three sets of words in the title of this essay, and you find one common denominator: self.  Hard work, pressure to excel, push, and drive all originate with your self.  If you yourself do not have the efficacy, discipline, and motivation to work hard, excel, push and drive yourself, then there is little (or no) hope that it will appear.
    
For some, it is too bad that friends, parents, siblings, or teachers cannot instill efficacy, discipline, and motivation in them.  In that way each person — you and I — would not have to hold ourselves responsible for our lives.  In that way you and I would have someone to blame for our inability to achieve, attain goals, arrive at self-constructed destinations, accomplish what we set out to do, follow-through on promises and resolutions, execute our life plan, earn success, and reach for the stars.  If we didn’t succeed in any way, the only problem would be finding those who we could blame!
    
With the full knowledge that it is us — we ourselves — who are responsible for our lives, should provide the incentive, stimulus, inducement, and inspiration to find out how to develop (or improve) efficacy, discipline, and motivation for it is these three — like three peas in a pod — that not just determine our success in life, but influence and establish our fate (destiny) each day, that is, our ability to function successfully.
    
At Self-Esteem-Enhances-Life.com, in an essay entitled, “Self Efficacy - Believe and Achieve the Life You Want,” the author begins by saying that belief is the activator, “Believe that you are capable, believe that you are able, believe that you have the wherewithal to achieve the life you want. Life is firmly on your side. Your part in this partnership is to understand that, to know that, to realize that, to ponder that, to utilize that, to believe that.  To believe that you can achieve. To believe that you can overcome. To believe that a good, wholesome, healthy life is your right. To believe and then go get it.”  And the writer makes it clear, too, that it isn’t belief alone.
    
We need to believe in ourselves, true, trust in our abilities true, and give ourselves opportunities.  In the same essay as that cited above, the author writes, “the only failure is giving up, quitting on ourselves, not learning, not growing, not developing, not taking up the baton.... Otherwise we can move forward.”
    
As an activator, belief is a beginning because “what people believe, think, and feel affects how they behave,” according to a chapter on “Social Cognitive Therapy: General Concept” posted on the web.  Then what?  Sometimes it is just a matter of belief, but sometimes, too, it is lack of discipline, motivation, confidence, action, image, control, dedication, determination, commitment, or management.  Then what?  It is a fact that the cause for a lack of efficacy, discipline, or motivation is unique to each person; thus, the ways for overcoming the deficiency may be idiosyncratic as well.  No method is likely to work for everyone, but having a method is better than having none!
    
“The component skills,” (which I have adapted for this essay) according to Barry J. Zimmerman , in an essay entitled, “Becoming a Self-Regulated Learner: An Overview,” for moving beyond belief into action include: (a) setting specific proximal [immediate] goals for oneself, (b) adopting powerful, and specific strategies for attaining the goals, (e) monitoring one's performance on a continuing basis and selectively for signs of progress and success, (d) restructuring one's physical and social context to make it compatible with one's
goals and to make success more likely, (e) managing one's time use efficiently so that sufficient time can be (and is) spent on achieving these specific goals, (f) periodically evaluating both one's methods (for their success) and results (for their completion), (g) attributing causation (one’s ability and commitment) to results, (h) rewarding oneself for accomplishment in a direct, proportional, and appropriate manner, and (i) adapting future methods to what has taken place.  To follow such a plan requires a great deal of self-discipline and self-motivation.
    
This step-by-step method can be applied to any goal one wants to achieve, but, as noted, it begins with the essential activator: belief.  Self-efficacy — your belief in your own ability to do whatever it is you set out to do — has been substantially supported by research.  Quoting here, in part, from the website Connextions, in a module entitled, “School Administrators’ Efficacy: A Model and Measure,” by McCollum, Kajs, and Minter, self-efficacy is related to individuals’ persistence, effort, and success on tasks they perform, and their ability to determine successful outcomes through effort and persistence.  Also, observing successful action of others raises a person’s self-efficacy through seeing, visualizing, or being mentored by people whose successful actions can raise one’s capabilities or encourage their development of self-efficacy.
    
Having self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivation are essential to succeeding in life. Those who don’t possess these traits will find themselves left behind.  Developing these characteristics means that you believe that you can succeed even when others may say you cannot and continuing on even when you would really like to quit. Those who have these attributes will be more likely to complete tasks, try out new things, and not give up when things are hard.  Having self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivated means that you have important internal goals that you want to reach and reasons for doing things.  It is like being motivated to fill your time with purpose and direction.  It is like being stimulated, invigorated, and inspired on a daily basis.  It is like having a reason for living rather than just occupying space.  
    
When you possess these features, you will change your life, and you will know — from personal experience — where your own hard work, pressure to excel, push, and drive originate.  And, your confidence in yourself, belief in your abilities, and trust in a positive, productive future will all increase proportionately.
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At the website personal-development.com, Chuck Gallozzi, in an essay, “Developing Self-Discipline,”offers eleven specific ideas for developing self-discipline which offer a comfortable and important addendum to my essay.

John Wesley, at PickTheBrain.com , has a terrific essay, “How To Motivate Yourself - Self Motivation,” offers a number of specific suggestions, and like Gallozzi’s essay, serves as a useful buttress of and support to my essay.
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© Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
    
   

Day #233 - Paint bright colors on each day.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box. --Anonymous

Day #233 - Paint bright colors on each day.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  This is one of five quotations on Day #233.
Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

Essay Preview - Self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivation: Like 3 peas in a pod

Thursday's And Then Some Essay preview:

From where does hard work, pressure to excel, push, and drive originate?  In the final analysis, it doesn’t come from friends, parents, siblings, or teachers, although all of these can lend some assistance.  Look at the three sets of words in the title of this essay, and you find one common denominator: self.  Hard work, pressure to excel, push, and drive all originate with your self.  If you yourself do not have the efficacy, discipline, and motivation to work hard, excel, push and drive yourself, then there is little (or no) hope that it will appear.

Self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivation: Like 3 peas in a pod
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:
Having self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivation are essential to succeeding in life. Those who don’t possess these traits will find themselves left behind.  Developing these characteristics means that you believe that you can succeed even when others may say you cannot and continuing on even when you would really like to quit. Those who have these attributes will be more likely to complete tasks, try out new things, and not give up when things are hard.  Having self-efficacy, self-discipline, and self-motivated means that you have important internal goals that you want to reach and reasons for doing things.  It is like being motivated to fill your time with purpose and direction.  It is like being stimulated, invigorated, and inspired on a daily basis.  It is like having a reason for living rather than just occupying space.

Love Is the Best Medicine: What Two Dogs Taught One Veterinarian about Hope, Humility, and Everyday Miracles

And Then Some Publishing Book Review Mondays

Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

Love Is the Best Medicine: What Two Dogs Taught One Veterinarian about Hope, Humility, and Everyday Miracles

By Nick Trout

This is a very interesting book for several reasons.  First, you get an inside, educated, and detailed look at the workings of a specialized veterinary clinic.  Trout is a staff surgeon at the Angell Animal Medical Center.  If you’re a person who just enjoys finding out how other facets of our society operate, then this book can be read and enjoyed for this reason alone.  And, it’s written for a layperson and includes no jargon or sophisticated vocabulary.

Second, Trout tells engaging stories, and it is fascinating to find out how the cases he treats resolve themselves.  The cases are interesting, the details are specific, and readers will truly want to keep reading to see what happens.

Third, whether you are an animal lover or not, it is delightful and charming to see the way a truly dedicated veterinarian treats both the animals in his care and the people who own those animals.  This is a book of compassion, and you don’t need to be an animal lover to appreciate it.  It can serve as a model for the compassion needed between relationship partners, neighbors, and those with views that differ from others.  It is a warm, endearing, and enchanting (even beguiling) story of both the empathy and sympathy needed as we deal with others.

J. Zeh, of Richmond, Virginia, wrote the following as part of his (or her) review at Amazon.com: “The author really shines in his descriptions of those slices of life, brief scenes that illuminate the people so clearly. Here is one about Ben and Eileen, deciding to pursue expensive cancer treatment for their dog:  "Could he really justify the cost without the promise of reward?... Ben never wavered. He had no idea how he would do it but he would do it, because at that moment, what was passing between them was precisely what his marriage to Eileen was all about. You could forget about the romantic getaways for two, the candlelit dinner at a fine-dining restaurant, or the contents of a small, velvety box. This intimate, unadorned moment, this connection, this was what mattered. This was the substance of their relationship, the inexpressable spark that lasts and reminds you how lucky you are to be sharing it.

“I hope this author keeps writing,” J. Zeh continues, “because I love these descriptions of small moments. They are like nuggets of gold in an overall pretty good book, which is a very enjoyable read. I look forward to more books from this author.”

L. A., of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has neatly summarized my feelings about this book: “This is a very touching book about how special animals can show humans the best things in life if we let them. Animals have a way of living in the moment, not worrying, loving unconditionally, always forgiving, and being happy no matter what. The author details how two very amazing dogs do that for him.”

Love Is the Best Medicine: What Two Dogs Taught One Veterinarian about Hope, Humility, and Everyday Miracles

By Nick Trout

LAUGH . . . And Then Some

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

 

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #166 in a complete manuscript  compiled by Richard L. Weaver II

It all boils down to self-efficacy

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

For much of my life I have thought that growth, development, and change all depend on a single element: self-discipline.  On January 6, 2009, as I was sitting at the dining-room table reading The New York Times page on “Health," in an article by Tara Parker-Pope entitled, “If You Find the Motivation, Exercise Follows,” I discovered the underlying key to self-discipline. It revealed itself, and I was astounded I hadn’t thought of it much sooner.  It all boils down to self-efficacy.

Parker-Pope discusses the purchase of exercise machines — so common at this time of year, and in the essay, she says, “...having home equipment is not the most important factor.  What matters more is ‘self-efficacy’ — a deep-seated belief that we really do have the power to achieve our goals” (p. D5).

It is, indeed, self-efficacy that secures “your confidence in your ability to stick to your exercise program when you’re on vacation, when you’re not feeling well, when you’re busy.”  Because I exercise early in the morning (before it gets light outside), I must get up between 3 and 4 a.m.  Inevitably the question becomes, “Do I really want to leave the warmth, softness, and comfort of this wonderful bed to stretch my sleepy body, push my muscles to their limit, and jog three miles in sub-freezing cold?”  It’s true that I, just as inevitably, answer the question positively each time it arises, but the question I seldom ask is, “What is it that causes me to answer this way?”  I have always thought it was self-discipline, but clearly it is something rooted much deeper — a belief in my own ability to do whatever it is that I set out to do.  It is self-efficacy.

There are four main factors that affect the self-efficacy that I demonstrate, according to an essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” by Shannon Clark at HubPages.  They include 1) actual experience, 2) vicarious experience, 3) verbal persuasion, and 4) the emotional and physiological states I find myself in.

With respect to my actual experience, I have to admit that I am a creature of habit.  I have written about how my habit of writing developed in my essay, “On Being a Writer — An Irresistible Compulsion!."   When it comes to self-efficacy it is just such experiences that determine your ability at any given time.  Do you persevere in the face of challenges, or do you give up?  Do you consistently find yourself determined to fulfill your resolutions, or do you forget about them?

Vicarious experience plays a role as well.  What do you see others doing?  For example, if you surround yourself with successful dieters, the chances for your success increase.  If you have friends who exercise regularly, chances are you will, too, especially if you accompany each other.  Vicarious experiences can be absorbed from the programs you watch on television or the books you read as well.  What you must remember, however, is doing the best you can given your own circumstances and limitations — and not judging yourself based on standards others use.

Verbal persuasion is a combination of all the talk that goes on around you when you are dieting, exercising, and completing projects.  As a writer, I remember the positive things people would say after reading an article, chapter, essay, or book, and their comments served as verbal persuasion to continue what I was doing.  I have often heard others remark on my ability to maintain my workouts, and there is no doubt they further enhance my motivation.

The emotional and physiological states I find myself in have an effect on my self-efficacy, too.  One element that continually pushes me toward the completion of my goals is my feeling of self-control over situations.  I not only want to be in control, but of most situations I encounter, I feel I am in control.  When I feel as though I am absolutely starving, and I am trying to maintain a diet, I think about how important it is to maintain my weight.  I don’t like it when my clothes feel tight, and I don’t like my doctor recording a weight with which I am unhappy.  Diet, weight, exercise, and writing are all processes important to me and over which I exert control.

It is my belief in self-efficacy that gives me control of the events that affect my life!  It is what determines how I feel, think, and behave.  It makes me feel better about myself, more powerful, and in control.

It is self-efficacy that helps us manage illnesses.  Illness is a challenge to be mastered not a threat to be avoided.  It is self-efficacy that allows us not just to set goals, but to stay committed to them and not give up if we make mistakes.  It is self-efficacy that assists us in bouncing back from failures.  It is self-efficacy that permits us to overcome our own weaknesses and provides the confidence that we can eventually succeed.  When we don’t give up, and when we begin to feel a sense of our own power and control, that is when self-efficacy is most noticeable.

In Thomas Creer’s essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” at the website, Manage Your Illness, he underscores the same four ways to develop self-efficacy that Clark writes about.  First, engage in mastery experiences.  “Successes,” writes Creer, “build a belief in your personal efficacy.  Failures undermine it, especially if they occur before we have established a sense of efficacy.”  Once you are convinced you have what it takes to succeed, you will persevere in the face of adversity and rebound from setbacks.  Second, says Creer, observe others.  Find models similar to yourself.  “The greater the similarity between models and ourselves,” he writes, “the more persuasive their successes and failures are to us.”  Third, Creer writes, is social persuasion.  “To the extent that persuasion leads us to try to succeed, it promotes the development of skills and a sense of personal efficacy.”  A valuable aspect of social persuasion is structuring situations in ways that will bring success and avoiding situations where failure is likely.

The fourth and final method for developing self-efficacy is reliance on your gut feelings and emotional states in judging your capabilities.  For example, can you interpret your own stress reactions and tension as signs you may perform poorly?  Can you read the signals of fatigue, aches, and pains as signs of physical weakness?  Do you have positive feelings regarding a potentially challenging situation?  “People with a high sense of efficacy,” Creer writes, “are likely to view arousal as a facilitator of performance.”

The point of this essay is to demonstrate how to develop self-efficacy.  Since it is so important, I wrote about the same four methods from the point of view of two writers.  Of course, it is easier said than done, however, awareness of how to achieve it is the first stage of developing it.  People who are successful have self-efficacy.
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This essay entitled “Self-efficacy,” is written by P. A. Heslin and U. C. Klehe, in 2006, and it can be found in the Encyclopedia of Industrial/Organizational Psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 705-708), and is published by Sage.  I mention it here because the authors first explain its nature, how it affects performance and well-being, how it is measured, sources of self-efficacy, how it can be undermined, and what happens when there is too much of a good thing.


At TheFreeLibrary.com website, the essay by Felicia Saffold is entitled, “Increasing self-efficacy through mentoring.,” in which she reports the results of a study: “This study focuses on the benefits for eight teacher mentors in an urban school district. Results indicate that the mentors' self-efficacy grew stronger as they interacted with new teachers.”  This study is simply one more piece of evidence that supports the value of self-efficacy: “Teachers' self-efficacy beliefs strongly influence their teaching. The stronger the sense of efficacy that a teacher has, the greater the effort, persistence, and resilience  he will demonstrate in his teaching.”
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Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
   

Day #232 - Find opportunities in crises.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day #232 - Find opportunities in crises.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.  This is one of five quotations for Day #232.
Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

Essay Preview: It all boils down to self-efficacy

Thursday's And Then Some Essay preview:
For much of my life I have thought that growth, development, and change all depend on a single element: self-discipline.  On January 6, 2009, as I was sitting at the dining-room table reading The New York Times page on“Health.”  It was in an article by Tara Parker-Pope entitled, “If You Find the Motivation, Exercise Follows,” that the underlying key to self-discipline revealed itself, and I was astounded I hadn’t thought of it much sooner.  It all boils down to self-efficacy.

It all boils down to self-efficacy
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:
The point of this essay is to demonstrate how to develop self-efficacy.  Since it is so important, I wrote about the same four methods from the point of view of two writers.  Of course, it is easier said than done, however, awareness of how to achieve it is the first stage of developing it.  People who are successful have self-efficacy.

In and out of Hollywood: A biographer’s memoir

And Then Some Publishing Book Review Mondays


Book review by: Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.


In and out of Hollywood: A biographer’s memoir

By Charles Higham

If you are interested in one person’s (an insider’s) personal reflections on some of the past (and current) stars of Hollywood, if you like knowing some of the secrets of the stars, and if you have an interest in the dangers and excitements of gay life in Hollywood before AIDS, then I highly recommend this book.  Forget about whether his insights are correct or whether or not he has evidence to back up his facts — if you just accept Higham’s views for what they are (personal reflections on his own and other’s lives), then this book will offer both an interesting and entertaining read.

Higham was born in England in an upper-class family and here describes his home: “We had a staff of eight, four living in and four, including a gardener and his assistant, housed nearby.  Those living in included a cook-housekeeper, a lady’s maid, a butler-chauffeur, and my latest nanny.  We traveled by Silver Phantom Rolls-Royce to and from our home at Savoy Court in London” (p. 6).

One thing I enjoyed throughout Higham’s book is his easy, comfortable writing style which is personal and engaging.  The stories are insightful and full of detail so that it is easy to picture what he describes, identify with the situations, and fully appreciate all his reactions and reflections.  Not being one who was intimately familiar with most of the people he writes about, and never having read any of Higham’s previous books — taking but a passing notice of the lives of Hollywood personalities in general — his book still held my interest (which is a bit unusual!).

Another discovery readers make as Higham describes his early life, is not only how he developed his interest in literature but, too, his fascination with detail: “I walked more miles all over the city [London], enjoying the sense of being lost, relishing every vista, peering into the windows of mysterious dark shops that sold a vast range of jumbled goods.  A favorite haunt was the Musée Grévin, the chilren’s waxworks museum, a place of magic that made Madame Tussauds seem merely humdrum” (p. 40).

As an author myself, I loved the way Higham told about the production of his many books and how, at one point in the development of his book, Errol Flynn, production was stopped so that he could pursue a couple of leads he had discovered.  It is this kind of insight and description that makes reading this book fascinating.  Those leads were the ties that Higham made between Flynn and the Nazis — Flynn’s documented aid to the Nazi regime.   That is but one example of how Higham revealed some of Hollywood’s best-kept secrets.

If you just enjoy pleasure reading and like good stories, this would be a great choice.  Gail Powers of Harbor County, Michigan, and North Naples, Florida, writes this in her review of Higham’s book that effectively summarizes my viewpoint: “Mr. Higham . . . discusses his career as a journalist, his varied projects, stories he couldn't use in the course of his research, and many interesting tidbits relating to the celebrities he came to know often on a social basis. And if that weren't enough, this book took many interesting twists and turns regarding odd fortune which resulted in some pretty heady stuff.”

In and out of Hollywood: A biographer’s memoir

By Charles Higham

LAUGH . . . And Then Some!

"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly.  "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.  What a dream."

 

"I had a great dream too," said the other.  "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

 

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

 

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

Laugh Like There's No Tomorrow: Over 2,000 jokes from the Internet

From Day #164 in a complete manuscript compiled by Richard L. Weaver II.

If you want to change, you must be open-minded

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I was talking with a religious conservative, and when I suggested a number of problems with religious conservatism, this person stopped in mid-discussion to say, “Don’t go there.  I am very proud of my religion, and I don’t accept anyone attacking it.”  Mine was not an attack; rather, it was expressing some personal concerns I had, and the purpose was not to change the person but simply to make him aware of my concerns.  

Here was a person, as I quickly discovered, entirely satisfied, not eager to make any changes in either thought or behavior, and unwilling to hear ideas contrary to his set of beliefs that came from his parents and the parents of his parents.I have no problem with people who are secure in their beliefs, but I do have a problem with those who are unwilling to listen.  Also, I have a problem with people who are unwilling to explore and discover new ideas. 

The problem comes first from apathy and contentment, “I like the way I am, and I have no interest in or reason to change.”  The problem comes, second, from laziness.  “If I don’t want to change in any way, why should I listen to ideas contrary to my own?”   

Let’s consider a bigger problem than religious conservatism.  Let’s take an example, instead, of a weak self-concept.  The reason this can become a problem has to do with the relationship of self-concept and perception.  A weak self-concept weakens your flexibility.  For example, with stronger self-confidence, you will have a sturdy base of operations — more strength and confidence in your ability to anticipate, assess, and evaluate situations. 

Second, with more accurate perceptions you will increase your repertoire of available skills and behaviors; thus you will have more from which to select and, likely, more accuracy and precision in their application.  What it comes down to is your ability to face new situations.  What you need are more tools in your toolbox.  It comes down to the age-old aphorism that when all you have in the world is a hammer, every problem you encounter looks like a nail.  This is black-and-white thinking that eliminates all shades of gray from your base of operations.  A strong self-concept permits shades of gray 

What is important to know with respect to strengthening your self-concept is that it doesn’t take much change to influence your communication and life.  The starting point for change can be just as soon as you want it to be, and you will notice the results immediately.  But, it is also important to know that nothing at all will change if you are closed-minded, reluctant, and hesitant or full of fear, doubt, and concern. 

For many people, it isn’t necessarily fear, doubt, and concern, it is that you either think you know everything you need to know, or you think there is no need or room for improvement.  Another possible problem is that you know that a change in your self-concept may require other changes, new behaviors, actions you cannot anticipate, and an unknown set of problems that you are just not ready or willing to take on. 

All of these are legitimate concerns; however, the fact is some change is going to occur whether you like it or not.  To be open to change is more likely to prepare you for anything that might happen — the anticipated and unanticipated alike.  What this requires is open-mindedness. 

“The trait of open-mindedness is best understood as a disposition, rather than an occurrent state of mind. It's not about what beliefs you actually have, but how open you are to revising them in appropriate circumstances. It requires the true humility of self-acknowledged fallibility. It requires that our minds be open to new evidence. But this is something very different from suggesting that we should be equally accepting of nonsense as we are of sense. That's not open-mindedness; it's gullibility, or perhaps stupidity,” writes the author of the blog at Philosophy, et cetera.

Open-mindedness requires that you be open to new findings and understandings, and you must be open to options, alternatives, and possible new choices.  It can be a great journey, but without a commitment from you, there’s likely to be no journey at all — just words on a page or ideas that travel in one ear and out the other — if, indeed, they get that far. 

“Can we will ourselves to change?” Joann Ellison Rodgers asks, then answers her own question in her article “Altered Ego: The New View of Personality Change.”  “Yes,” says Rodgers, “especially if we think we can. . . . The power of belief is the key.” 

But it goes much further than the power of belief alone.  That, of course, is a starting point, and it is a good starting point.  With the power of belief operating at full tilt, it is more likely that you will be able to embrace the ideas of others.  This boils down to one absolute essential: respect. 

In practical terms what you can do when others speak is to avoid looking for points to disagree with.  Rather, take a completely different tact: look for ideas to increase your wisdom.  Realize that everyone has something to offer you.  It comes back to the example of the religious conservative with which I opened this essay.  I love Chuck Gallozzi’s quotation, “The open-minded see the truth in different things, but the narrow-minded see only the differences,” found at his website personal-development.com in an essay, “Being Open-Minded.  It is as Gallozzi expresses it, “We need our differences.  For they provide us with more options and possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.” 

The second thing you can do is abandon your need to be right.  By doing so, according to Gallozzi, you turn power over to others and “grant them the right to be themselves.”  It is a matter of acting generously and to quote Gallozzi once again, “One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift.” 

These two changes, respect for others and abandoning your need to be right, are easier said than done because your current behavior is based on entrenched habits.  If you can believe that you can change, the results of open mindedness — stronger self-concept, more well-rounded personality, acceptance and respect by others — are worth any effort you devote to change. 

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At the website, Affirmations For Positive Thinking/Creating Power (How you can create the life you want), there are a number of motivational essays that are interesting and fun to read.  Please note, this is a sales website; however, that does not deny the potential value of the essays. 

Here is an excellent essay, “Is it good to be open-minded?” by William Hare of
Mount St. Vincent University that includes 42 footnotes.  Yes, it is a bit long, but it is comprehensive, interesting, and worth a read. 

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Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Day #231 - Accept who you are.

SMOERs: Words of Wisdom

"Why compare yourself with others?  No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you."  --Anonymous

Day #231 - Accept who you are.

SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules! - Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living
An everyday guide full of quotations to uplift your spirits.
Free 30-Day sample: smoers.com

Happy New Year and Essay Preview: If you want to change, you must be open-minded

Happy New Year!


We hope your New Year's was safe and lots of fun! In 2011 And Then Some Publishing will be releasing more videos through our ANTworkstudio YouTube channel. These videos will include "How-to Paint a Portrait," more interviews with Richard L. Weaver II about his books, and the introduction of eBooks to our repertoire. We expect 2011 to be a GREAT year!

Thursday's And Then Some Essay preview:
Thursday’s essay is called, "If you want to change, you must be open-minded." Open- mindedness requires that you be open to new findings and understandings, and you must be open to options, alternatives, and possible new choices.  It can be a great journey, but without a commitment from you, there’s likely to be no journey at all — just words on a page or ideas that travel in one ear and out the other — if, indeed, they get that far.      


If you want to change, you must be open-minded
by Richard L. Weaver II

Excerpt:
For many people, it isn’t necessarily fear, doubt, and concern, it is that you either think you know everything you need to know, or you think there is no need or room for improvement.  Another possible problem is that you know that a change in your self-concept may require other changes, new behaviors, actions you cannot anticipate, and an unknown set of problems that you are just not ready or willing to take on.

The Male Brain Book Review

Book Club - And Then Some

The Male Brain

By Louann Brizendine, M.D.

Book Review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

For this 271-page book, there are 40 pages of “Notes,” and 82 pages of “References,” or 122 pages out of 271 devoted to sources.  Basically, this is a 135-page book.

It is truly a quick, interesting read full of stories, case studies, real-life scenarios, and anecdotes.

Despite the number of notes and references, this is not a scholarly work.

If you’re new to the area of “brain science,” this book will serve as an introduction to the chemical/hormonal world of a man’s brain.

What Brizendine shows readers is how the brain is affected by various chemicals and hormones (i.e., testosterone, cortisol, oxytocin, vasopressin, etc.), how the brain ages from infant to elder, and how these changes affect the male personality.

Because the book is relatively jargon-free, uses plain language (despite her scientific background and the sources provided), is written in a clear, accessible style, its pop-culture-like feel, and her story-telling approach, the book should be read by women, boys, students, and others interested in a clear, direct, easy-to-understand approach.

It is truly an entertaining read, and women will not only understand men better, but they will be less likely to blame them for being men, and, thus, decrease the likelihood of conflict, especially conflict over issues that are deeply embedded in men’s genes.

If her book, The Female Brain, is anything like this one (I haven’t read it), I would recommend it to all men!