The should haves, could haves, if onlys, and what ifs of your life

by Richard L. Weaver II

The slogan, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” may be just a popular aphorism, but it carries great strength and importance when it comes to dealing with the “should haves,” “could haves,” “if onlys,” and “what ifs” of our lives. It’s not easy to release our old hurts, sadnesses, imbalances, and injustices in our lives from our past and present. Think of the power and effect that a broken marriage, a serious and debilitating illness, a serious car accident, or financial ruin can have on us now and in the future.

We all have moments in our lives that can be categorized into regrets that make us think about how different our lives would be if only XYZ had (or hadn’t) happened. It could be something as simple as “if only I had learned how to type” or as thought-provoking as “if only the first plane had missed the Tower.”

Release yourself from the pain of the past, and focus on the future.

There is no doubt our lives could be significantly different if only XYZ had (or hadn’t) happened, and we can spend enormous amounts of time imagining the various scenarios and even slipping into those fantasies. Whether there was a specific moment or some definite detail, we could have done something different, and it is even likely that this moment or detail would have made us a completely different person than we are today. Since this is true, and since the past remains the past and cannot be altered today in any way, why waste the time? We need to learn what we can learn from the past, and then move on. After all, think about it, will focusing on the should haves, could haves, if onlys and what ifs of our life change anything?

Spend some time (if necessary) — but limit it — to sorting out the reasons why what happened in the past happened. Search yourself carefully and honestly, and examine your intentions and motives. These answers may be important guides for you when you reach a crossroads point again. But, once this short and limited process of self-examination is complete then close the door, and spend no more time on it. Refocus.

Keep in constant touch with what makes you feel good about yourself. Savor all the small pleasures and successes that come your way. List the ways you naturally succeed in living a satisfying life even in humble and inconspicuous ways. You are doing the best you can so far, given what you know about yourself and life.

How do you overcome the regrets of the past? First, stay active — whatever you do, don’t drop out, lapse into obscurity, distance yourself, hide from your problems, sequester yourself, lie low, or go underground. This is no time for passivity and self-pity. One of the best ways you have for avoiding thoughts about “what might have been” is to keep your mind active and focused on other things.

How do you keep your mind active and focused on other things? Continue to be a creative, giving person by putting extra effort into personal relationships and helping others. Enjoy the comfort and warmth of your family and friendships. Help your children with their homework, or play games with them. Help your spouse with some project you’ve been putting off. Play tennis with your spouse or friends. Do volunteer work.

If you can afford to, refresh and nurture yourself by taking a vacation now. Take your camper and go fishing. Visit friends who live in Hawaii. See the Grand Canyon. Take a self-improvement course, or enroll in a course designed to hone and polish your skills. Jog, swim, bowl, paint the house, coach Little League. Spend time teaching your kids how to do something special. Remain positive, strong, and confident.

If you know that you’re going to have free time on your hands, create an agenda of things to do. Plan the time carefully by laying out a schedule, getting up early, following the schedule, and staying on track. Don’t sleep all day, overeat, over drink, or complain excessively. These are self-defeating behaviors that should trigger a need to get back to your schedule.

Keep your morale high. Do things that make your mind and body feel good. Learn techniques of relaxing, such as meditation, deep breathing, and yoga. Read the classics, or biographies of people who not only interest but inspire you.

Examine your feelings about being a success and what your criteria for success include. Perhaps the idea of high achievement — in whatever area of life — makes you uneasy. Don’t overrate the value of worldly success. Don’t let the pursuit of success replace more important goals such as developing loving and supportive relationships, gradually improving your skills and abilities, or learning to try new — and therefore risky — ventures. Beware of defining yourself only as the sum of your achievements. You are more than what you do or make. You are more than the money you earn — or the trips, clothes, friends, or possessions you accumulate. You are a growing person who can learn from all the experiences of your life, even the unpleasant ones. Give yourself credit for wanting to grow, develop, and change in new, positive ways.

Here is an important guide that can help you as you proceed in life. If your goal is to face anything in your life that comes your way — what life dishes out — with all the vigor, strength, and ability you have, then you need a clear mind and an open heart. These characteristics — the clear mind and open heart — come from living in the present moment, free of the attachment to concerns about the past or the future that dwelling on regrets can cause.

Remember, the if onlys and what ifs in your life are unhappiness generators. When you dwell on them, they inform you that you can’t be happy now, and they open the door to pessimism, stress, illness, and isolation. Failure is part of the human condition. You have a human right to make mistakes, to try and not succeed, to fail outright. Wins and losses are both temporary. Your value as a person does not rest on your success at any one thing; failing at a task does not mean you’ve failed as a person, rather, it is clear and evident proof that you are human and have proper, normal human traits.
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Ezine@rticles, includes an essay on their website, “Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life,” by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Author, "101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life," that is short, buoyant, and uplifting. This one is worth a read.

At LifeOptimizer, there is an essay entitled, “Live Life to the Fullest Through Personal Growth,” that includes a series of short introductions by Donald Latumahina with the titles, “10 Essential Tips to Change Your Life,” “Do You Want to Stay Positive? Turn Off the News,“ ”Tacking: A Strategy for Personal Success,” “A Simple Tip for Finding Good Ideas,” and “Sharpen Your Axe: The Value of Preparation.” These are essay titles, and the icon is included at the end of each scenario for reading the complete piece. Each piece has numerous specific, practical, and important suggestions for accomplishing these ideas.
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Copyright January, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.