When all else fails...

by Richard L. Weaver II

What people of every age need to know is that they have resources beyond which they understand, appreciate, or use; thus, when all else fails, to depend on these resources may well overcome the restriction, resolve the problem, make the right choice clear, or offer the alternative that leads the way out of the dilemma.

If everyone followed (or has followed) the advice in this essay, many of their resources would already be clear because they would be often practiced and, thus, known.

In my essay, “Good, memorable advice from a father and grandfather to a younger generation,” from the book (and formerly published in The (Toledo) Blade), And Then Some: Essays to Entertain, Motivate, & Inspire there are at least 20 pieces of specific advice. That essay is an excellent place to begin for it talks of opportunity, knowledge, hard work, bouncing back, staying informed, friendship, health, responsibility, happiness, and much more. This one proceeds from where that one left off with some small amount of overlap.

When all else fails begins with belief in yourself and your abilities. Nothing else that follows here matters when there is no self-efficacy. It is the essential and fundamental cornerstone of any edifice. You must convince yourself subconsciously that you can achieve what you set out to do. In that way your efforts will be boosted and the results will reaffirm your self belief and strengthen your trust in yourself as well as your self-confidence.

Closely related to a belief in yourself is thinking of the world in a positive way. If you have a positive outlook, you will feel it. Sometimes you have to pretend, and that’s okay. When you have a smile on your face, nobody knows what’s going on inside. Also, when you’re optimistic and encouraging (reinforcing the smile on your face), others respond to what they see, and, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it begins to take hold within you, and you begin to believe that you are truly positive and optimistic — no matter how you felt in the beginning.

When all else fails, friendships will pull you through. When you’re a good friend, someone others can count on, you will attract people who are good friends: honest, true, faithful and fun. True friends not only stand the test of time, but they will be by your side time and time again — there for you when all else fails.

When all else fails, too, persistence pays off. There are many reasons people fear failure — how society rewards success, the disapproval and deprivation associated with it, how it may expose their unworthiness. Quitters, however, never win and winners never quit. Thus, success means trying again, and trying again, and.... When you are at bat, it is better to go down swinging than just holding the bat and wondering what happened. It feels better to try something and fail than not to try at all, because if you are afraid to fail you are likely to become afraid of acting. That’s how drop outs occur; that’s how people avoid risks; and that’s the way to sidestep any new situations. Until you face your fear — Who taught it to you? Are others being overly judgmental or perfectionistic? Are you letting someone push you to succeed in ways not right for you? — you will avoid the important growth, development, and change that comes from taking risks, confronting new situations, and persisting through failures and disappointments.

When all else fails, drop back to the goals you have for yourself. You need to have goals — both short and long term. It doesn’t matter what they are, you need to work towards them. Your goals will change with new knowledge, experiences, relationships, and successes. However, when you set goals, really put in the time and energy needed to accomplish what you want. Expect action from yourself knowing that you have the ability, self-discipline, and self-motivation to accomplish whatever you want.

When you are having difficulty achieving your goals, engage in self-assessment. Ask yourself the questions: Are your goals appropriate? Are your standards the right ones for your life? Are they really your standards? Give yourself a chance to grow and develop in ability. Don’t take on excessive tasks or aim for unreachable achievements; go step by step.

When all else fails, remember that you are more than what you do or make. Beware of defining yourself only as the sum of your achievements or the bottom line of your financial status or even of the trips, clothes, friends, or possessions you accumulate. You will always be a growing, changing, developing person who can learn from all the experiences of your life, even the unpleasant ones. When all else fails, consider what you can learn from what is taking place now? When all else fails, view it as part of the process of exploring your world; make a note of its lessons and move on. Often, the lessons of a past failure pave the way for a future successes.

When all else fails, too, make adjustments in the myths that guide your life. For example, you do not have to be the best to be acceptable. Anything less than perfection isn’t failure. Worldly success isn’t everything. More important than worldly success is developing loving and supportive personal relationships, gradually improving your skills and abilities, learning to try new — and therefore risky — ventures.

When all else fails, look for the simpler way, answer, approach, alternative, or solution. Everything doesn’t have to be difficult, complicated, or troublesome. For example, be accepting of others and yourself just the way you are. You are enough. You are always enough. Depend on yourself for your own happiness. Live and let live. Celebrate all those things about yourself and others that make you and them unique.

When all else fails, look at yourself. Your insides are so much more important than your outsides — what you reveal to the world. It’s your brain, kindness, empathy, and sense of humor
that make you who you are. If you love to do something, do it. This is your life, your time to be alive. Try everything and anything (as long as it’s safe), and open yourself to all kinds of adventures. Make good choices, of course, but make the choices — and don’t wait.

Finally, when all else fails, look at the lighter side. Step outside of yourself, and see the humor in what you do, how you act, and who you are. Have fun. Whatever your fun might be, delight in life. Smile. Giggle. Laugh. (Roar! Hoot! Howl!) Life is too short not to have fun. Fun isn’t a feeling, it's a mindset. You control what's fun and what's not. Even cleaning can be fun, because if you tell yourself, this is fun, it becomes fun! Think about it! The reason you find anything fun is because you tell yourself it’s fun! So why not do that with everything in life and have a blast all day long?
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At Psychology Today Blogs, Timothy A. Pychyl has an essay, “Structured Procrastination: When all else fails,” in which he summarizes what John Perry, a professor of philosophy at Stanford University, says in his web essay and on his “Philosophy Talk” podcast - "the program that questions everything --- except your intelligence." Pychyl’s summary is enjoyable, and Perry’s theory has some merit.

At CelebrateLove.com, Larry James has an essay that deals with relationships entitled, “. . . And If All Else Fails,” in which he begins by asking: “When you have done the best you can, and your relationship seems to be falling apart at the seams, what other possibilities exist? What can you do when you have difficulty sustaining intimacy in your relationship?” James advocates counseling, and he ends his essay saying: “So, if you want to work things out, dump your preconceived ideas about what people will think or what your love partner will think if you choose to pursue therapy on your own. They are going to think whatever they think and there isn't anything that you can do about it. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think. It's your problem. You must do what you must do.”

For sheer fun, when all else fails, I recommend the book How to be funny on purpose: Creating and consuming humor, by Edgar E. Willis. It will bring humor into your life in a big way!
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Copyright January, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.